Heart of the Sword
Chapter 13
by Zapenstap
Duo, Trowa, Quatre and Wufei sat around a solid oak table in a small, but
well furnished room in the
The Gundams Sandrock and Wing needed repairs and were now stored in the open armory and training courtyard of the palace to be fixed. Deathscythe Hell and Altron had been moved to the airport. Because of its unpredictable firepower in close civilian quarters, Heavyarms was never brought. They had saved the city, and would be honored, gundams and pilots alike. It had all been Heero's plan.
The gundam pilots didn't say anything to one another, and hadn't for some time. Duo did not try to start up a conversation. He couldn't stop thinking if Heero had survived the night, for they had heard nothing yet from the hospital. Over and over in his mind he pondered what he had seen and heard yesterday, still bewildered by it all. Quatre had explained to him what happened when Relena arrived, how she and Heero had looked at each other in complete oblivion to anybody else watching. Duo was only sorry he had missed it.
He needed no proof or confirmation. He was not skeptical. Heero had fallen in a state of delirium in the ambulance. Duo and Quatre had sat with him and listened in astonished silence as he tossed and turned and cried out about having been thwarted by death, apologizing endlessly to Damion, who wasn't there, and begging all sorts of forgiveness from Relena. Her name escaped his lips most often, and several times brought tears to his eyes even as he thrashed in pain and sweated. Twice he told her that he loved her, and once took it back with mutterings about not deserving her, and then he ranted about killing and not wanting to kill, and finally fell unconscious. Quatre and Duo had watched and listened in stunned awe. Heero's ravings were so full of emotion it frightened both of them, but they believed every word. It seemed he was human after all, and desperately in love.
Relena had wandered into the palace late last night and after mumbling something about having just wanted to walk about the city and think, had flown into a room prepared for her and would not open the door. But everyone could hear her sobbing. Quatre had voiced in question more than once whether she cried for Heero or for Damion and no one knew the answer. Obviously, she had a decision to make.
Everyone had seen Damion. He was in the palace when they arrived, and though he made them feel welcome and offered them all manner of hospitality, he was not personal. His eyes more resembled a storm than the gray morning, and seemed to look through everybody. He did not try to see Relena, and those who had not been at the scene wondered. Those who had turned away with downcast eyes and said nothing. Damion was busy all day and most of the night directing everyone and everything and neither slept nor ate as far as anyone knew. There was evidence of redness about his eyes, from tiredness or tears, but he smiled falsely and went about his work and there was no doubt in anyone's mind from the way he moved to the way he spoke that he really was the prince of the city. It was suddenly difficult to notice anything else about him.
Abruptly, the door to the room swung open. Everyone turned, lifting their heads from where they studied their hands on the table. Duo swallowed.
She was sadly beautiful, pale cheeks and pale eyes that shimmered softly in the lamplight. She wore a short-sleeved, airy dress of a thin, clingy material that clothed her body close, simply cut with a swooping neck, yellow as her hair and as the sun, but the expression on her face would make even the loveliest ensemble a somber cloak.
"Relena," Quatre said, half standing to offer her his chair, but she shook her head mutely.
"Have you news of Heero?" Duo asked, though the words stuck to the roof of his mouth. The expression on her face was so melancholy, so apologetic. And by the redness around her eyes, she had been crying again. Could it be that Heero was dead? No way... "Is he gone?" he choked out.
Relena's lips curled into something resembling a smile, but the rest of her face looked like it might break with tears. "He is gone," she said, and seemed about to say more, but Wufei interrupted her angrily. Duo just stared at nothing in shock.
"This is all your fault, you know," Wufei said coldly to Relena, not meanly, but with the sort of blunt honesty characteristic of him in his worst moods. He had never liked Relena. She choked and a tear escaped her eye, which she caught and dashed away with the back of her hand, but others followed. Quatre stood up and made as if to hug her, but she fended him off.
"That was uncalled for, Wufei," Trowa rebuked the Chinese pilot, looking at Relena with obvious concern. Trowa hated to see women cry, perhaps because it was so foreign to him. "This wasn't anybody's fault, and she has suffered greatly."
Wufei snorted and turned away, but he grappled with himself and finally muttered an apology.
"He's not dead," Relena said in a quavering voice, trying to hide her tears with her hands and everyone blinked in shock. "He is gone," she cried then. "He left the hospital." She crumpled, slouching over as tears shook her body. "The doctors say he will be fine, but the fact remains that he left and I may never see him again. I don't even know if he's okay. He is gone. He didn't want to stay."
Duo surged to his feet, out of his chair and grabbed her shoulders. "He won't just leave," he said hastily, not even really sure what he was saying. "He loves you. He said so in the ambulance when he was delirious." But he knew that whatever Heero may have said in his sickness, it would not stop him from fleeing something like this.
Relena only sobbed harder, shaking under his fingers. "It won't matter," she cried. "He can't admit it. He will leave me here and I will be left hollow. I can't love anybody else. I can't!" She threw her arms around Duo's neck and wept against his shoulder. Unsteadily, he held her, hands on her back and hair. He didn't know what to do. He had never seen anyone like this before, except in movies, and he could think of nothing comforting to say. Heero probably would just leave.
"No!" he said with sudden inspiration, pushing her away and trying to encourage her by looking into her eyes. "He won't leave Wing Zero behind. He will use that even as an excuse to stay awhile."
Relena swallowed and looked back at him. "I thought of that," she said quietly. "But I... If he doesn't want to stay..."
"He wants to stay," Duo assured her, and he believed it. "He loves you. Maybe he doesn't know if you return it."
"I do!" she cried. "He knows! He doesn't believe..."
"You'll just have to show him then," Duo said with energy, pushing her toward the door. "You must talk to him, today, before he leaves for good, but first you have to..."
"First I have to see Damion," Relena finished for him, and the tears were gone from her eyes. "I know." She bit her lip. "Thank you," she said to him, and repeated it again to them all. "I will give it one last try."
Once she was gone, everyone let out a sigh of relief they hadn't known they had been holding. Duo almost sat right down on the floor. As it was, he stumbled into his chair and began fanning his face with his hat. "This is stressful," he muttered. "I don't know how to handle any of this."
Quatre had a dreamy look on his face as he smiled after Relena. "You did well. I hope they work it out."
"Me too," Trowa said. "But I worry about Damion."
"He's strong," Wufei commented, crossing his arms. "He's not going to give up on life over a girl."
"I'm not worried about him giving up on life," Trowa returned, "but love is another matter." Quatre looked troubled.
Duo let his head fall on the table, "Well, hell! Who are we supposed to root for?"
"Love is not something one can win merely by being supported," Trowa said quietly. "It can only bloom if it is really there, and only if it is nourished."
Duo said nothing. Don't be an idiot, Heero, he thought. Just
tell her how you feel. But that might be too much for someone who
thought he was a weapon and nothing more. What had Heero said that one
stormy night? Weapons do not have hearts with which to love, and
they can be loved in return only by mistake. Duo let his head sink
into his hands. If Heero still believed that, it really was up to
Relena. Maybe it always had been.
*****
Relena knocked on the door to Damion's study with heaviness in her heart. She felt horrible, but she knew it would be more horrible to do anything else. She had caused so much pain, unintentional though it was. She knew it was not really her fault things had ended up this way, that she had acted within all apparent proper guidelines, that it was Heero and her own lack of persistence, honesty and attention to detail that had brought about this mess, but it would be Damion who paid the price. And for that she grieved almost more than she could bear.
"Come in."
Relena closed her eyes and opened the door, slipping in and shutting it softly behind her. Damion sat in a chair facing her with a steady expression, but she could not make herself meet his eyes and instead stared at the ground.
"I knew you would come," he said quietly, laying a book on the table. "I've been told that Heero has survived and will heal in time, and also that he left the hospital this morning." There was something in his tone that told her he knew what she came to say, and simply wanted her to say it and be done.
"I'm sorry, Damion," she said, still unable to lift her head. "It wasn't meant to end this way."
"Tell me," he said. "Was I a means to an end for you? In the beginning, before all the madness that followed, did you humor me because you wanted Heero to be jealous and moved into action?"
Relena bit her lip. If that were true, then she really was at fault that Damion had been stabbed. That was how Heero was moved into action. He knew no other way. But she had been livid, not gratified, and she had really thought Heero through with her. "Not really," she said.
"Not really?" he repeated with scorn, and it rent her heart.
"Damion, please!" she implored, and looked up, tears coming to her eyes as she saw the look of absolute betrayal on his face. "I wanted to get over Heero, yes, and maybe that was my inspiration for seeing other people in the first place, but I did genuinely like you. I do genuinely like you."
He closed his eyes slowly and breathed as if she had given him some small tonic. "But not enough," he said, more to himself than her. "In the end, you chose him."
"It's not because you were lacking," she said. "I just love him. I can't make that go away. And I don't want to."
He nodded, elbows on his knees and head in his hands. "You love him. He loves you," he spoke bitterly. She wanted to comfort him, but knew that she could not without causing him further pain. They needed a clean break, as clean as it could be in this unhappy tangle. "I used to pray," he said slowly, his eyes sharp, "for love. I used to watch my parents in all their formality and pray to God to show me that love was real. And I used to dream of falling in love and building a home with a wife and children, full of joy and magic and hope."
"You still will," Relena encouraged, tears in her eyes. "It's a beautiful dream, Damion. Don't let it die because of this!"
He shook his head. "It's not just you," he said. "I am a prince and I have awakened from sleep and seen myself and my life for what it really is."
"Damion," she pleaded, and tears fell unchecked down her face now. "Please don't say these things. You are so much more and your life can reflect that. I believe you can!"
"What you believe doesn't matter anymore!" he shouted at her and she flinched. "Don't you get that? I have been cast aside to what blessings I was born with and that's all that's left! I almost lost that yesterday because I was busy chasing after some obscure idea that is probably only wishful thinking. I have responsibilities and I must stick to them. I don't have the leisure to chase butterflies and believe in fairy tales anymore. What chance I had I lost."
"Damion," she whispered.
"I don't hold you responsible," he said finally and his eyes were clear as he looked at her. "And I don't hate you. I still think you are wonderful. I am just sorry for myself that I lost you and angry that I messed up what was between you and Heero when I had no business to be there in the first place. All that has befallen me is my own doing and the result of my own stubbornness. I just have to grow up."
Relena bit her lip. "What do you want me to do?" she asked.
"Nothing for me," he said. "But don't let this sacrifice be worth nothing. You've chosen Heero. At least be true to your own desires and follow through. I will wish you happiness, and when I have recovered from these trials I will send you word."
"Please do," she said. Her heart felt wrenched with sorrow and a vague form of hopelessness, but she could think of nothing to do that would help. "Just promise me that you will reconsider these rash words. I could have loved you had I not given my heart to Heero first."
He smiled at her. "Thank you," he said. "But I can't promise anything. Now go to him, or my pain will be worth nothing."
She crossed the room and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "You have been beyond wonderful to me," she said, "and any girl who doesn't think you are worth loving is a fool who deserves her fate. I am sorry."
"So am I," he said as she left the way she came. "Relena," he called, and she hesitated in the open door, turning. "That night on the hill, during the storm, he told me that he loved you. I didn't believe him then, but seeing what I saw yesterday and the days before, I do now. If anything soothes my heart, it is knowing that he at least deserves love, for I perceive that he has lived hard and dangerously, without compassion, so I wish his happiness as much as I do yours. Perhaps that understanding has been my gift at the conclusion of these things."
Relena smiled sadly at him over her shoulder. "He thinks he is a weapon unworthy of love," she said. "And I thank you for your kindness and empathy, but there is no need to pity Heero Yuy. He has more strength in all his being than I have ever known, and I have patterned myself after him."
"I have seen it, but your strength is your own," Damion told her quietly.
"Maybe, but I owe him my inspiration to develop it."
"One day I will have to hear the whole story," Damion said. "I keep getting it in bits and pieces, and I must say that it fascinates me. You both have many battles to fight, and together, you just might be unstoppable. Good-bye, Relena."
"Good-bye, Damion," she replied, and
slipped out of his study as she had entered it.
*****
Heero rubbed his face on the short, white sleeve of his dress shirt and went back to work on the Wing Zero. Taravren engineers had been working steadily through the night to fix his gundam, but he had chased them all away. He smiled up at Zero, feeling for the first time in a long time quite clear-headed and clean-hearted. He felt for all the world as he had right after the war, when peace had come to the universe and everyone he came to know had survived and he had begun his search for himself and his lost humanity. He was never really sure he had found it. Whenever he moved too far and too long away from Relena he would revert to the way he had always been, but he supposed that was who he really was, and there was no use denying it forever. He would leave for good soon enough and put all of this craziness behind him.
He remembered little of the day before. He remembered his pain, his coldness, his all-consuming desire for Relena infecting him with some mad disease and his persistence to block out everything in order to block out her, but that had passed now. He wasn't sure what made it go away, but he was thankful and did not ask questions. He remembered being wounded and not caring, fighting anyway as he would have done without question years ago, but he didn't remember what happened after that. He had lost consciousness he supposed, and was taken to a hospital to recover. He awoke stitched up, fresh and more than ready to be gone.
He remembered having a dream of an angel with Relena's face appearing to him in the Wing Zero when he was wounded. In that delicious dream she had soothed his hurts and kissed his hand and brought him out into the light. He had not wanted to wake up and remembered very clearly being lost in her eyes, eyes that shone with love for him and only him in such a way that all distractions outside the two of them vanished entirely. He had always tried to limit distractions affecting himself only, but in his dream he had somehow connected with her like they were one person and together floated in a void filled with their emotions for each other and inhibited by absolutely nothing else. It was the most exquisite and beautiful thought he had ever conceived, and too wonderful to be real. He remembered the angel-vision of Relena touching his face and he hers and being locked thus until the fires between them became too hot and he had to pull her hands away or be consumed. Then he remembered nothing else but a very different kind of fire and a frightening blackness that consumed everything for long afterward. He knew then that it was a dream, for it was soon followed by nightmares of many kinds, and those he did not want to remember, though the most powerful parts stuck with him anyway. There were the usual fears of being denied death forever and forced to kill over and over again until he lived on the blood of others like a vampire, but the worst visions were the ones where he destroyed Damion's home and person in his own rage and sickness and heard Relena telling him how much she hated him over and over and over.
But when he awoke in the hospital, that sickness that had long infected him was gone. He laid the cause on the angel dream, the first pleasant dream he had had in some while. He figured it had somehow calmed his desire, taming his fury and self-loathing. He could think of Relena now without savage lust, or anything even remotely sinful. He thought of her with warmth and gladness, like a breath of wind to a shadowed valley, and spent time thinking of her on purpose even as he worked on his gundam. Instead of flaming him to recklessness, thoughts of her face, her smile, her laugh, her light figure and queenly grace calmed him. They made him feel human and he had missed that sorely. The thought surprised him.
It used to be like that all the time. Since the war ended visions of her had made him feel at ease. For awhile he had not known what to do, knowing only that he could not really have her and so stayed by her only for her protection. He had dared once to kiss her, and regretted it when she did not kiss him back. He had thought she loved him when she begged him to let her care for him, but he supposed that was not the case. He had been too ashamed to talk about it, and knew that it had made her uncomfortable too. His feelings and reaction to her began to change around the time of Mariemaia, when the flames of rebellion and war spooked old demons and he began dwelling on past sorrows. Then her face became the only beacon of light in a red and hazy world and he had sought after her mindlessly without clear direction. Long had he had suppressed sexual feelings for her, but they got out of control the more he stayed just on the skirts of her existence and lied to himself about how much he loved her. He could admit that he did now, to himself anyway, in the quiet regions of his mind where no one could see, but that revelation had only come with full knowledge after he stabbed Damion and comprehended how sick he had really become. Then he tried to wash it away in coldness, freezing his heart to block out the heat effect her eyes had on him, but that only made him ruthless and he hated himself more, even unto death.
He was grateful to the dream that had revived him, and prayed to God as he had never done before in thanks for that faerie angel that had brought him out of despair. He knew that in reality Relena still hated him for how he had been, and rightly so, and though she may marry Damion one day and be Queen of Taravren, he hoped to reconcile his debts to her and renew their friendship. That would be blessing enough now. And he had heard that God was graceful.
"Heero. I thought I might find you here."
Heero almost bumped his head on the Wing Zero at the sound of Relena's
voice, almost. He turned to look at her with sharp eyes, his breathing
suddenly strangled, his heart racing. She stunned him like the light of
the sun at noon day, and would even if she were dressed in rags, but in this
dress, with her hair soft and loose about her shoulders, she nearly filled up
the room,
.though nothing in his expression would show it. He leaped down from the
ladder. "Relena," he said, deftly avoiding a chair the
engineers had brought in, trying to keep the love out of his voice and
eyes. He couldn't be a burden to her anymore, though he loved her still
and would always. "Why are you here?"
"To see you," she said. "I went to the hospital this morning, but you were gone."
He looked everywhere in the room but at her face. He didn't think he could bring himself to meet her eyes, so he surveyed the area as if for enemies, coldly and without expression, though his heart burned. With the thought, a wave of heat and passion overwhelmed his head and he swallowed, feeling suddenly hot and uncomfortable. He had thought he kicked this thing, but as she came close it came back in full force. His eyes skipped over her face and traveled to her jaw line and her neck and shoulders. The dress she wore looked like it would come off those parts of her body fairly easily... he swallowed, his face flushing, and his eyes drifted around the room, avoiding her.
"I felt better so I left," he said, and knew he sounded cold. It was self-defense, throwing up those old barriers, but in a terrifying manner, she seemed to see right through them. "You shouldn't be here," he told her bluntly. She was too close. He managed to look into her eyes, and saw himself reflected there, but he could not see what she was thinking or feeling. He knew she probably hated him, and came only to tell him good-bye. "Do you have something to say?"
She looked at him for a moment, her eyes seeming to scan every inch of his face. "Heero," she said. "I don't think you are a sword without a heart."
Suddenly he realized she was now standing very close to him, so close he could see the breath from her mouth and the artistry of her eyes. He stared down at her and tried not to think of taking that mouth in his and breathing in life from her directly. He closed his eyes. "I know," he said a little shakily, unsure what she had even said anymore, but knowing his answer was true. "Do you have to stand so close?"
"Why don't you want me to stand close, Heero?" she asked quietly with real urgency, and he felt her hand touch his shoulder and her fingers reach for his neck. Her voice trembled. "Why don't you ever allow me to be near you?" Fire leapt from where her fingertips touched his skin, scorching him.
"Relena!" he cried breathlessly and tried to move back, but he hit the chair and fell into it. Relena fell into his lap. His eyes flew open to see her face before his, staring at him, felt her weight on his legs. Her hands were on his face like in his dream, caressing his skin. "Relena, don't touch my face," he pleaded. He realized he had his hands on her waist and that she was trembling even as he was.
"Why not?" she asked, and her voice quaked.
"It's too personal," he said hoarsely, and then begged. "Please." His own hands came up to hers to take them away but he found he did not have the strength to pull them down. Her hands felt beautiful under her fingers, so soft and smooth, and he stroked them unconsciously, still unable to look away from her. Tears unbidden welled up in his eyes, and as they did, they welled up also in hers. "Relena, don't torture me," he cried in dark tones. "Not when I know how much you must still hate me."
Her hands began to move on his face as she peered at him, wiping away the sudden and violent tears on his cheeks as he sobbed for her to release him and be gone. "I don't hate you, I don't hate you," she said over and over, and she was crying. Suddenly, he felt her lips on his forehead, and then on his cheeks, kissing away the tears that trickled from his eyes. He hadn't cried since that one fateful night, and never in his recollection before then. He struggled, breathing in the scent of her hair, her skin, the dab of perfume on her neck. It was driving him crazy.
"You don't?" he said softly, her words breaking through the fog in his head slowly.
"No," she said, leaning back, her hands still on his face. She looked him right in the eyes. "I am afraid, Heero," she said seriously. "I am afraid that whatever happens here now, when it is done you will leave and I will never see you again."
"Relena," he began.
"I don't hate you," she said, tears in her eyes, her voice shaking. "And I never could, because I love you, Heero Yuy. That night when I said that, you hurt me deeply, because you did wrong and I love you."
He froze, his mind reeling, his hands tightening around her waist. She was staring into his eyes in silence now, reading them, and he knew every thought in his head must be laid open for her there, and he didn't care. "Say it again," he breathed in disbelief.
"I love you."
He closed his eyes, shudders passing through him, and pulled her to him tightly, arms wrapped around her back, fingers tangled in her hair, making sure that she was really there. "I love you, I love you, I love you," she whispered frantically in his ears.
"But Damion..." Heero breathed in protest, and made to release her.
"No," she said, and wrapped her arms around his neck to keep him close. "Don't think that way. This is between you and me. I broke up with Damion. He knows, Heero. He saw, yesterday, when I tended you. Everybody saw."
"My dream," he said, his head swimming, flying. It was real. She had come to him and that love he had seen in her eyes, that moment they had shared... He pulled her back and sought her face with his in wild inspiration, kissing her as forcefully as he knew how, mouth to mouth, his hands roaming over her face, fingers threading through her hair as he tried desperately to drink her spirit. Her lips were warm and full, her breath hot and in his throat. She kissed him back with equal force, rising in his lap until she hovered over him and he felt the power of her kiss in his toes. He could taste her on his tongue, feel her hands in his hair and on his face, his mouth moving against hers repeatedly as they fought to consume the other at the same time.
He broke off for air and went for her neck, breathing heavily. "I love you," he said ruggedly into her throat, and kissed her neck as he had always wanted. He pulled back the sleeves of her dress and caressed her shoulders before kissing them, rubbing his cheek against their soft smoothness in wonder.
He meant to go no further, being satisfied that she was alive and real and his, but looking again into her eyes, he saw to his amazement that they were closed in bliss as she breathed, her head lying against his shoulder, her mouth curved in a smile. He stared at her face, lost in her beauty until she blinked herself to full consciousness and stared at him with eyes that shimmered blue-green like a lagoon. "Why did you stop?" she asked, and he could see the desire for him to continue plain in her eyes. It surprised and thrilled him.
"I don't know," he said, swallowing, "but I think it for the best. For now. Let's not ruin it."
She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned her head on his chest, snuggling up against him contentedly. "I love you, Heero Yuy," she whispered. "You will come back to Cinq with me?"
He nodded, kissing her hair.
"And will you stay?" she asked. "And always be where I can find you, and never be afraid to love me?"
"I'll stay forever," he said, "I do love you."
Her arms tightened around his neck, and the lines on her face seemed to smooth into a contented peace. He had never seen her so peaceful. "I will love you always," she murmured quietly, "and if ever you need to leave, allow me to follow and I will. Just don't lie or leave me anymore."
He pulled her tightly to him in silence, and wondered as she fell asleep in
his lap, arms still draped over his shoulders. He began to lift and carry
her to her bed, but stopped, remembering what she had said about being afraid
that he would leave her when this was through. So instead he sat back and
brushed her hair from her face and studied her expression for nearly an
hour. At length sleep caught up with him and he rested his head back, his
left hand holding her right, and slept as she slept, even as Wing Zero watched
them both from above.