Welcome. *waves a flag.*
Desires of the Heart
Chapter 11
By zapenstap
Relena woke up twice in the early morning, aching, sore and uncomfortable. The first time, it was because she had almost slipped off the couch. The second time, she was cold, but it was still too dark to awaken fully. When she opened her eyes just a crack, it was in a state of somewhat confused emotions. She looked at Heero’s face, asleep and oblivious to her presence. He slept with his head titled up, neck and jaw extended to her line of eyesight, his hands limp, no longer touching her, chest moving slowly with the breath that entered and exited his lungs. Staring at him, half-cuddled in his embrace, she wondered at her feelings. She always remembered him as this aloof, self-contained individual, but she had also always felt the softness in him that existed underneath the cold, harsh exterior, that sweetness that was kind and caring and protective. Now, seeing him asleep in her presence, so vulnerable, she found that she wanted to touch his face, to trace the lines that made up his features from his forehead to his chin. She stared at his lashes, long and beautiful… like the rest of him. Her heart beat strangely, an intense, almost frightening reaction, and her body began to tingle with unfamiliar energy. Could I…she wondered Is it possible that I might really love him, after all this time of doubt, of thinking of him, of worrying for him? With the thought dancing in her head, she shut her eyes, determined to force sleep to pull her consciousness under.
Soft touches in her hair awakened her.
“You stayed the night.”
It was awhile later when Relena’s eyelashes fluttered open to sunlight streaming in through the windows. She felt Heero’s hands on her shoulders, his thumbs and palms caressing her bare skin. Her body stirred at his touch, gentle as it was, and she was immediately awake, tingling as she had before, aware of her body in ways she had never yet been. The sunlight lit up them both, and she was strangely aware of his clothes loose on her body, her legs and arms bare and pressed up beside him. She turned, rolling to face him, her knees bumping against his thighs. She swallowed, staring at him, but there was no surprise in his face, and nothing like lust to scare her. Instead, he ran a hand through her hair and studied her face in such a way that her heart thudded again in her chest, a dull, hesitant beat that seemed to suck all her thoughts out of her head, leaving her motionless in his power.
He smiled and the hand that was in her hair caressed her cheek softly.
“I must look awful,” she mumbled, staring into his eyes. There was still sleep in them, relaxed and lucid and drowning in color.
“Don’t say that,” he said. “You could never look anything less than beautiful to me.”
Relena melted, her reserve floundering. He leaned in suddenly to kiss her, not on the mouth, but on the neck, his hot, liquid breath turning the tingling along her nerves to a sudden fire. Maybe he wasn’t so sleepy. She accepted it without protest, her mind racing. His hands caressed her shoulders, circled around her back, his fingers slipping under the back of her shirt. Only moments and she realized she was trembling, that the mood had changed, that she could think of very little except for the sensations of her body. She tried to relax, to swallow, to breathe, but all she could think about was how she wanted him closer, covering her, coaxing the flame that flickered in her center and threatened to roar to life…
Her legs entwined with his as he bent his knees and crushed her close to his chest. She wasn’t sure how it happened, but she felt his thigh between her legs and hers between his. Maybe it was a little wrong, but it felt right, and it felt good, and the heat in her body flared to a greater force. He leaned over her, half beside her and half on top of her, kissing her neck and shoulders, jaw and cheeks. She wanted to whisper something, anything, but she couldn’t think of anything to say, and wasn’t sure if she should be thinking at all, though she couldn’t help it. Instead, her hands went to his head, her fingers digging into his dark hair as he leaned over her body and whispered into her ear.
She was aching with sexual desire she didn’t know what to do with.
His hands were on her sides, his fingers inching up under her shirt where she had permitted him to touch her last night. He didn’t speak, but his touches were words enough and Relena began to fear that things were about to go too far, and equally afraid that they would go nowhere and she would be left wanting. Despite her fears she shifted under him, repositioning them so that Heero rested fully atop of her. It felt so good…so right and so wrong. She soaked up the feeling, both irresistibly attracted and repulsed, drinking in his weight, his presence, the gentle, seductive way he touched her.
“Heero,” she said again, this time in a different tenor, and though she traced a hand over his shoulders and up his neck, her body fluttered with fear. She still wasn’t anything definable to him and it terrified her on some level to be so close to him and not know where she stood in his affections. She wanted to know what she meant to him, and she wanted to know what he meant to her. She had been raised to believe in love and marriage and modesty. She had grown up in an elegant and old-fashioned household. That she was in Heero’s home, that she had stayed over night at all, was not comfortable with her personal sense of morality. And yet, she felt, honestly, that at least some part was in love with Heero Yuy, and perhaps always had been. And another part of her desired to be with him always, as he had always protected her, because of that feeling. That same part of her wanted him in other ways too. To reconcile her reservation to her desires… it was more than she could sort out.
Heero must have sensed a change in her because he sat up, rocking back on his knees. As she pulled her own legs up and shifted to a sitting position, he smiled at her, a sweet whisper of a smile that warmed her heart. She flushed with pleasure that he was so sensitive to her moods, understanding her even when she did not lay it out for him with precise words. He leaned forward, touching her cheek with his fingers, and kissed her softly, with innocence. But even when he pulled away she saw in his eyes something that made heat burn beneath her skin.
“Are you hungry?” he asked, standing up and offering her his hand.
She nodded and took it, flushing as she stood up just beside him, clothed indecently in her mind and not knowing how to feel, but knowing only that she felt… incredibly good. Once standing she couldn’t stop staring at him, remembering the pleasure of the weight of his body and the stimulating touch of his hands.
His eyes lingered on her too. She trembled under his stare and half wanted to suggest removing to the bedroom, never mind breakfast, but knew she would never actually ask that. It felt wrong…it would be wrong, but god, a part of her thought that it would also be so good. As if seeing her thoughts in her eyes, Heero nodded and wrapped an arm about her waist and drew her against him. He took her hand, smoothing her fingers, and stepped closer to her. Her breaths came in little inaudible gasps as he did, her imagination spiraling out of control.
“Relena, you’re…distracting.”
Before she could move or speak he was planting kisses on her neck and collarbone. His hands cupped her hip bones and then slid higher to lift her shirt—his shirt—raising it just enough to expose a strip of her stomach. What he did next shocked her. Heero knelt on the ground at her feet, seemingly on a whim, and kissed her stomach, his lips covering her flesh with a warm wetness that caused her whole body to shake suddenly. Aroused, she trembled, literally shaking in the legs.
“Oh,” she gasped. If desire had been trickling through her before it was roaring now. “Heero,” she pleaded. “Breakfast.”
“Distracting,” he repeated with something like fever in his voice. He rose up, his hands climbing up her body to grasp her waist under her shirt. “Sorry. I don’t know what I…”
“It’s okay,” she told him, letting her arms encircle his neck. He felt so solid and strong, firm and powerful. She, in contrast, felt weak everywhere inside. “I feel…” She didn’t know how to describe how she felt. He looked good to her in all kinds of ways, something to hold onto, to immerse herself in. She felt so close to him. She had never felt this close to anyone. “I’m… okay.”
Her head swam.
He let go of her and led her to the kitchen. Even as she separated from him and sat down, Relena’s eyes followed Heero about the room, studying the movements of his body in ways she hadn’t before. Thoughts that brought a pink tint her cheeks were nothing to the way she felt all over.
Heero made her pancakes that were perfect circles and she ate them as she was, dressed scantily in his clothes, her hair a mess around her head and her face oily from sleep and no shower. She was embarrassed, and a little gratified that he didn’t seem to mind. When she voiced again that she must look a mess he only repeated what he had said before. Her complaints resided.
“When do you have to be at work?” he asked her when breakfast was over.
She looked at the clock. She ought to go home now, but well… if she didn’t curl her hair, she could save a few minutes, and if she picked out what she was going to wear mentally on the car-ride over she wouldn’t have to fuss about it after her shower. Looking at Heero, she felt like she could afford a few more minutes in his embrace.
It turned out that she still had a little time before she needed to be taken home.
For reasons she could neither remember nor justify, they persuaded each other to spend that time in Heero’s bedroom. They didn’t talk about it, or what they were going to do. It was just suggested and accepted, but Relena knew that their minds were still focused on the same thing.
Relena felt like some sort of wanton tease. She didn’t know how to feel about herself in this almost sexually aggressive situation. She felt like a strange, new person. No one had ever taken this kind of an interest in her before and the feeling of being wanted, and the memory of Heero’s lips and hands, was so powerfully intoxicating that she felt she could almost justify almost any behavior to get more of it. It took an effort to suppress a giggle and even more effort to keep her head from running away from her. And yet, she was so happy. Something…something had changed.
And the things he said to her… the way he looked at her… She wondered, is it possible he loves me too?
They just sat on the bed at first, both thinking that they would rather be laying as they had been on the couch before, yet unable to voice their desires to one another. So Relena got up and began looking around the room, touching objects and tracing her hands over pictures. It was a little like what Heero had done in her room, after the opera, and she wondered if he had desired her then as much as she desired him now. She remembered the way he had sat on her bed and massaged her shoulders and then pulled her against him. The physical contact…it was so reassuring. When Relena couldn’t take it anymore she returned to Heero and sat on his lap so that she could hold him close again. She climbed on his knees and threw her arms around his neck, running her fingers languidly through his hair.
She sat still for a moment, while Heero merely looked at her.
And then came the statement.
“Relena,” Heero said, and a flash of consternation stole across his face. “I want you to be my girlfriend.”
She stopped breathing, amazed and exhilarated and terribly confused. “Really? Oh, but, Heero. You said it was difficult, that you weren’t sure… How can you know now?”
“I think I can try,” he said, staring past her at the wall on the other side of his bed. “I don’t know for sure what I want to come of this, but I think I can try. I’ve been alone all my life, but something about you… I don’t know what it is but I want to give it a chance. So if it has to be that way with you, for us to get closer, I mean, then I think I can try. Will you be my girlfriend?”
She touched his face. “I will. I really…I really want you, Heero… in my life.”
He smiled at her one of those rare, soft-eyed smiles.
Caught off guard, Relena laughed shakily, then stopped, staring into those eyes and feeling her body stir again. Half in a haze, Relena babbled flirtatiously, saying things that sounded silly even to herself, about Heero’s choice in décor and things about his personality that she found scattered about the room. Heero responded by caressing her body again, his hands sliding up her shirt a little farther than they had already. Relena quieted, enjoying it, and wondering idly how far was too far, her very strong sense of propriety warring with her desire to feel his hands everywhere. She was already breaking rules that had been set in stone all her life, but how would she have known that this man would overwhelm her senses this much, or that her own body would crave his so desperately so fast?
“Ten minutes,” she stammered into his ear. “I can afford ten minutes before I have to go home and get ready for work.” Sitting on his lap, she wrapped her arm around his shoulders and then kissed the ear she had spoken into. Heero made a soft sound, his hands all over her back now, under her shirt, reaching all the way up to her shoulders, and she couldn’t quite find the words to restrict his movements.
Abruptly, Heero laid back and pulled her body over his lap except one knee so that she found herself straddling him. Clothes on, it was still provocative and she tensed, not sure what to do. Heero closed his eyes, and she watched in fascination as he swallowed, knowing instinctively and suddenly that she was arousing him and that he wanted her to do it. She was straddling his stomach, but out of curiosity she scooted back just enough to know where the relevant part of his body was sure to be reacting, and felt it, much to her surprise. Again she felt weak, and strangely lustful, and wasn’t sure what to do with herself, or him.
Heero’s hands had slid away from her back when he lay down, but now his fingers were exploring the waist band of her pants, toying with the buttons and pockets and the juncture where her thighs met her hips. He slid his hands down the top of her legs and back up again as his eyes opened, watching her for cues. She said nothing and could neither administer encouragement nor reprimand. Everything about him felt so good…even if she didn’t feel quite right about it. She knew he felt good too. She could tell by several indications; she just wasn’t sure what to do about it.
She really had to go. Ought to go.
“Heero…”
He sat up again, arms wrapping around her back, hands once again slipping under her shirt. “A few more minutes,” he whispered. Her shirt came up, exposing her stomach and good deal of her ribs. Heero’s head dipped down and his lips touched her stomach again. Relena swallowed, tingling from head to toe, enjoying the sensations and terrified by the situation.
“I… have to go now,” she said, a bit of a strain in her voice. But her hands went unconsciously to his head, rubbing his hair, touching his cheeks. Her whole body seemed to be floating in an airless void.
He lifted his head and smirked at her, eyes catching hers with a flash of intelligence that made her breath catch in her throat. “It wouldn’t be so hard,” he said. “If you weren’t so beautiful. If I didn’t want you so much.” He dropped his gaze and refused to look her in the eye.
She saw him suddenly as the person she was always afraid was hiding under the strength and efficiency that was his armor and protection, someone who was isolated and desperate for human contact he didn’t know how to reach. Gently, she ran a hand from his temple to his shoulder, caressing him in a way she hoped would signify as some sort of answer.
He closed his eyes and nuzzled her, his face rubbing against hers for the personal connection. Then he kissed her again.
“I really have to go,” she said, and was surprised to feel sadness, and regret, well up in her heart.
He was quiet. “Okay,” he whispered, pulling away and releasing her. “I’ll drive you home.”
As Heero knelt up on the bed and stepped off, Relena was almost sorry he agreed at her insistence.
*****
Heero did a few errands after dropping off Relena and didn’t return to his house until just before lunch. Even after living here for so long it was still strange to have a permanent residence, but opening the same door everyday, and hanging his coat in the same closet, and opening the same refrigerator for a snack that was consistently stocked had a calming effect on his nerves. ]Ted butted his head against the inside of Heero’s knees and Heero scratched him behind the ears, smiling to himself as her accepted the dog’s affection. As he put away the pancake mix that had been left out on the counter, Heero pondered how had changed since the war.
He stared at his reflection in the microwave door. His face looked the same as he remembered, shrouds of deep thought and mental intensity wrapped in a face that was still all determined lines and exact angles, dark hair hanging over his face to partially conceal his eyes. His body had filled out a little bit, a little wider in the shoulders and a bit broader in the chest, but he supposed he would always be more on the lean side. Even so, he felt older, and he felt different. There was more hope in his heart than he had ever thought possible at fifteen. First the gundam pilots, whose social companionship had changed him even when he fought to ignore them with all his will. And later Mandred had taken him in, that mysterious figure from his childhood training that had become is mentor, dispersing the clouds of his past and opening a way to a future he hadn’t before been able to believe in. And now there was Relena…
His blood stirred at the thought of her. Exquisite torture, she was, holding her last night, thinking about her body in the darkness, her hair in his eyes, feeling the softness of her skin under her hands. Such wonderful pain he had never before known. The dreams he had had still haunted him, but since she didn’t know, he allowed himself to fantasize. But how much of it was fantasy, or would always be fantasy? He thought idly about when he would see her next and wondered at the progression of their relationship. He didn’t want to push her, but it was difficult not to touch her, to feel her, to draw her in closer. When she was near it was like his blood sang. He could feel it throughout his entire body, a need in him that until now had been ignored and denied but was still humming loudly. When he had her under him this morning it was like the whole world had taken on a different hue, deep reds that slashed through his vision. Starting himself out of such thoughts with a purposeful shiver, he focused on cleaning the kitchen.
The knock on his door was entirely unexpected.
It couldn’t be Relena. She had to work.
Putting the dishrag down, Heero followed Ted to the front door and looked through the peep hole. He was surprised to see Mandred’s face on the other side. Mouth parting in surprise, he opened the door.
“You are looking well,” Mandred told him, removing a pair of gloves from his hands and tucking them into the pocket of his vest.
Heero pulled the door open and allowed his old mentor to come inside, feeling slightly bewildered as he almost always did whenever Mandred was around. The man was sometimes his greatest comfort, solid in his knowledge and perspective, but other times he was just confounding. There was always something strange about him that Heero just could not quite grasp, like a hazy memory. “Is anything wrong?” Heero asked. Not a trace of worry entered his voice. Heero never worried much unless there was plausible reason. Everything was negotiable in the beginning and Mandred was always open to debate.
Mandred smiled at him and shook his head. “No. Have you always been so quick to jump to those kind of conclusions? I was just in the area and I thought I would stop by to see you. You never told me how your date with Relena went. The subject came to my attention the other day and I thought I ought to contact you regarding the matter.”
“It went…fine,” he said, a little startled that Mandred cared about such a personal matter. “She’s my… girlfriend now.” The word rolled awkwardly off his tongue still, but he could bear it, and he thought he could grow used to it, for her.
Heero waited patiently for Mandred’s
reaction, shutting the door and avoiding the other man’s eyes. He did not ask himself why, but when the
declaration was answered with a long moment of silence, a trace of annoyance
stirred in his stomach. Heero felt suddenly that Mandred must be angry, or
disappointed in him. Either of those
reactions in his
At length, Heero looked up.
“I see,” Mandred said when he did. His expression was puzzled. There was nothing to indicate anger or resentment or any kind of negative emotion, just puzzlement, a slight tightening of the eyebrows and gloss over the eyes. If he wasn’t angry… why the silence? Heero couldn’t for the life of him fathom what Mandred thinking, or why he seemed so caught off guard. “When did this happen?” Mandred asked as he took a several strides down the hallway.
Heero caught up and led Mandred into the dining room. He offered tea as he had been taught to do by Mandred himself ages ago, an offer that was almost always accepted. Heero kept talking as he set the stove to boil hot water in a teapot and steep the herbs. “This morning,” he said. “It’s still a bit strange to say,” he explained in low, quiet tones, “but I decided that was what I wanted.”
“This morning?” Mandred mused. “What did you and Relena do this morning? Watch the sunrise?”
Heero realized that Mandred was assuming that he had invited Relena over. “Oh, no,” Heero said. “It wasn’t a date really. She stayed over last night. We talked about it before I took her home…her and me, I mean.”
If Heero thought he had caught Mandred off guard before, the look on the other man’s face now was as about as close to shocked as Heero had ever seen Mandred. The man’s hands were poised hovering over the table, eyes widening slightly in genuine surprise, though his mouth remained shut and the rest of his expression perfectly balanced. When Mandred noticed Heero’s answering stare, he merely shook his head, his expression clearing. “Forgive me,” he said. “This would be considered a very strange practice in my culture. I suppose I don’t understand the custom.”
“It’s not a… custom,” Heero said slowly. A disconcerted Mandred was a strange thing for Heero to face, especially when he knew he was the cause of it. He almost felt as if he owed a kind of explanation, but Heero was not used to giving explanations for anything he did, even to Mandred. “She just stayed over,” he repeated. “Slept here last night. That’s all. We fell asleep and this morning I made her breakfast and took her home.”
He served Mandred tea in silence. His mentor said nothing in reply. His expression was the one Heero was used to seeing on him now, a sort of tranquil thoughtfulness of a man reconciling a vault of acquired knowledge to some new piece of information. And yet, there was a crease above his forehead, as if the thing he was acquiring was something strange and unsettling. “How did she come to stay here?” he asked as Heero poured himself a cup of tea and sat down across the table from him.
Heero paused right before he settled into his seat, and then deliberately lowered himself and forcibly relaxed. It was none of Mandred’s business. “She came over last night and then she stayed over,” Heero said. “I don’t know.”
“And then you asked her to be your girlfriend?”
“That’s right.” Heero glanced up at Mandred when the man’s attention was not entirely focused on him. “Did I do something wrong? Why does it matter?”
Mandred studied him for a moment and took a sip of his tea. “You’re getting better at this,” he murmured, and Heero knew he was talking about the tea from his tone. “I suppose it doesn’t matter, does it?” He lifted his eyes when he said it, but if there was meant to be an insinuation, Heero didn’t catch it.
“If you have some advice to offer…” Heero began.
“I don’t think my advice would be much use to you,” Mandred said. The surety in his voice caused Heero to flinch involuntarily. It was nothing sinister…it just made him uneasy with its certainty. “Where I come from things are done very differently, and for more than cultural reasons. Understanding human sexuality has always been difficult for me.” He blinked, sipping his tea and then turning his head to look out the window. “If I were to caution you in any way it would be to be careful of the girl’s heart, a standard lesson.”
“I care a lot about her,” Heero said, feeling safer now. That was true. “I’m not trying to hurt her.”
Mandred just looked at him. “I know.” So sure.
Heero was definitely annoyed. “Is that all you came for?” He knew it was in the wrong tenor as soon as he closed his mouth.
Mandred’s answer wasn’t sharp, but the strength behind the gentleness carried a reprimand. “Is that a tone you should use with me?”
Heero clamped his teeth shut.
“Don’t glare at me like that. I’m not trying to reprove you. I am just concerned for your welfare. Tell me a little more about Relena and what the two of you have been doing.”
Heero began from the beginning, from when he picked her up and took her on their first date. He left out most of the details since then, treasuring certain moments for his heart and memory alone, like the way he felt when he held her hand or the twitch in his heart when he breathed in the scent of her hair. He kept to facts, and kept them brief, where they went, what they talked about, venturing into some of the things she said. Because Mandred listened with such a discerning look on his face, Heero elaborated where he felt that things had been really intimate between him and Relena, the moments when he saw himself in her and felt closest to her. He finished with Relena’s decision to stay over, and emphasized that they had—mostly—just slept. He didn’t tell Mandred about this morning, or about how hot she made his blood run, how intoxicating her body was when it was close to his. Mandred didn’t need to know any of that.
“She is very young,” Mandred said at last. “I don’t think she knows much about these things.”
“Neither do I,” Heero replied. “But I care about her. We’ll figure things out together.”
“I suspect you will,” Mandred said. “But just be careful. Women think differently than men. Sometimes we can hurt them without trying.”
Heero thought of something biting to say, but held his tongue, wondering why he even thought of it. Mandred was always cautioning him about certain things, always taking a conservative route. This was no different. Perhaps it was just because it felt so personal, or maybe it was just because anything that threatened Relena made him react with potency.
“I don’t know if it’s the best idea to let her stay nights,” Mandred said. “Though I will admit that I don’t understand your courting customs. That is always a burden being a foreigner. I hope you will forgive me if I offend. It is not my intention.”
“I like holding her,” was all Heero had to stay. Simple and true. He crossed his arms and leaned back. “If she wants to stay I’m not going to say no, Mandred, but I won’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. You don’t have act like you’re my father about everything. I can handle my own affairs.”
Mandred was silent, staring at him with eyes that seemed to see his feelings and his thoughts as well as his face. “Well,” he said. “I suppose you will do things your own way.”
“I will.”
Mandred shook his head, smiling. “In that case, I wish you happiness, you and Relena both. I know you like her, and care for her, and wish to protect her. Do what will make you both happy.”
“Thank you.”
Mandred inclined his head. “I’m sorry I have to cut my stay short. I merely wished to say hello and ask how things with you and Relena were.”
“I know you’re busy,” Heero replied. He didn’t mind having company, and he liked seeing Mandred, but he was used to being alone, and he had a lot to think about. “Your secret business, it keeps you busy.”
Mandred smiled a wry smile. “So you remember that then?”
“Hm. Architecture,” Heero replied. “Isn’t that what you said you do?”
Mandred laughed and glanced at where Ted was curled up by Heero’s feet. “Hm. Is Ted getting fat? What are you feeding him?”
Heero only smiled.
When Mandred left, he went upstairs and sat at his computer, attending to his own secret businesses. As he worked, he thought a little about what Mandred said, about Relena, and about his own happiness, realizing suddenly that that was how he felt.
A/N
A few people on ff.net have asked me who Mandred is. He’s an original character of mine from my original work and also for a fanfic I wrote a long time ago. The first story I think up for any series I become obsessed with is usually a crossover of some kind with my own characters. For GW I actually wrote one of these and though it was a very, very long time ago, it was something of an accomplishment for me. I really grew to like Mandred as a character and I wanted to keep practicing with him so he appears in this story for that purpose. He will have a small role to play, but it’s not necessary that you know that much about him. I really just needed an older person that Heero trusts and respects…none of the GW characters were suitable. Those who have read the Mandred Chronicles may get more out of his appearance, but choosing Mandred was really more to please myself. I hope nobody is too put off.