Warning: This story is becoming pretty sexually focused, but the sex is going to be lime-ish in nature.

Desires of the Heart

Chapter 12

By Zapenstap

Somehow Relena began spending most every night at Heero’s. For awhile, as with the first night, he came to pick her up early in the evening to do something together, but after it got late she would simply end up spending the night. In bed they would touch each other modestly, silently, and Relena found herself gradually relying on the strength of Heero’s arms at the end of the day, of the comfort his presence offered her while they slept. Eventually it became obvious that she wanted to spend the night and therefore mutually more convenient for her to drive herself over so that she could get to work on time in the mornings. Mornings dragged themselves out, last kisses and last touches always ending in a frenzy of exploring hands and hot words that buckled her knees with ever-increasing desire. In the doorway, Heero lied to her about the time, begged her to stay, made her heady with kisses that dampened her thoughts and distorted her logic. But as long as she remained adamant that she must go he let her go, staying within the perimeters she set, though she found her borders gradually giving way to his mere proximity.

At work she obsessed about him, pen tapping against the desk, exploring one fantasy after the next and doing her job with her head in the clouds. Thinking about Heero heated her blood so that she blushed visibly, but she continued dreaming about him when she could, trying to dissect his feelings for her in the silence of his actions. She found herself wishing for more, for more phone calls, for more acts of consideration, for more conversation and for more touching. More of everything. She wanted more of him.

She admitted to herself slowly that she was in love. To think so much about someone she had known so long, to desire him with every fiber of her being… she could hardly keep her feet planted firmly on the ground, she, Relena Peacecraft, known for her solidarity, intelligence and conservatism.

Lying beside him with his silky skin under her fingers and feeling their mutual body heat warm the sheets, she even found herself wondering how long one was supposed to be in love before it was socially acceptable to be fully sexual with someone. The thought made her ears turn pink when she was alone. It almost made her feel scandalous, like she was a bad person or a wanton woman, but she dismissed such thoughts as prudish scruples. She thought about sex all the time, desired it all the time, accepted that it was perfectly healthy, and yet, despite her dismissal, she couldn’t convince herself that that was an appropriate step quite yet. But how long until it was? And were these normal thoughts?

After work, she sometimes went home for awhile to run errands and finish her work and sometimes went straight to Heero’s. Whenever she came over she would set down her purse and coat and they would talk for awhile, touching each other in soft, promising ways, and then eat dinner, and as soon as possible they would go to bed. She brought sleeping clothes with her now, and quickly found that the less she wore to bed, the more aggressive Heero’s attention became. She soon discarded her long sweats for high-cut shorts, t-shirts for tank tops, and watched Heero undress with eyes that could never get enough. He wore only boxers to bed, and she didn’t mind, because soon he would be leaning over her, dark hair half hiding midnight-blue eyes filled with undisguised desire as he kissed her heavily, his naked chest hovering over her body. She couldn’t help but touch him, running her hands up his chest and over his shoulders and allowing him to lie against her, to slip his legs between her legs and stroke her everywhere she would let him. It was intoxicating, so much harder to resist than she had ever dreamed. Eventually she would have to tell him to stop and they would separate, breathing in their own space, blood pulsing with desires that they denied. Sometimes she felt that the look in Heero’s eyes was appreciative when she set the boundaries, like it was something he couldn’t do himself, but needed to do because he was really as scared as she was of going too far.

“Heero,” she whispered in the darkness one evening as he stroked her hair away from her head and planted kisses along her collarbone from his position beside her. She turned her head, catching the light of his eyes as he looked at her. “Do you ever think about me?”

He regarded her for a moment in silence and then brushed hair away from her face, his fingers threading through the honey-colored strands. “A lot,” he whispered.

She remained looking at him, searching his eyes for the feelings she wished were easier to determine with someone like him. He never spoke much, or told her what he was thinking, even if she talked with him for hours about her fears and uncertainties. He listened attentively and offered good advice, but rarely did he volunteer his own personal information. She felt like she understood, and because she did not want to press him, she allowed him his space. But sometimes…sometimes she liked to know his thoughts.

“I didn’t know I could feel this way about anyone,” he told her suddenly. She felt his hand on her cheek, a gentle touch that spawned butterflies in her stomach as she found herself lost and helpless in his eyes. He leaned over her, his body covering hers, his mouth on her neck. “You make feel things I’ve never felt before.” Leaning closer, he whispered into her ear something she couldn’t quite understand, but she shivered from the sounds, fighting to hold onto her sanity as his hands caressed her bare legs, traveling up to his hips…

“Heero, are you seducing me?”

She felt his smirk even though she couldn’t see it. His fingers were poised on her thighs, kneading her skin. “Do you want me to?”

She lay beneath him, conscious of everything, the blood pumping through her body, their mutual arousal. She was unable to keep her hands away from him, unable to keep herself from moving and teasing him, and yet felt too hazy to formulate a clear response. Her body ached for him, in places he hadn’t touched yet. She felt that he was more unclothed than she, that they should even it out. She wanted…

“Not yet,” she whispered in a strained voice, and she felt him move, rolling over and sitting up a little bit away from her. He brought up one knee, one arm hanging loosely around it as he breathed heavily in the darkness, trying to cool off.

She sat up too, and suddenly thought it very unfair of her to tease him. She didn’t want to have sex with him—not yet—but there were other things that could alleviate the ache inside and temporarily satisfy them both…except that she didn’t think she was brave enough to touch him that way, or even sure that she wanted to. She knew she wanted to feel good, and she wanted him to feel good, but she hadn’t been raised to accept anything on a partial level. All or nothing…but was that a fair standard to impress upon someone else?

“Are you all right?” she asked him.

He nodded without looking at her.

She struggled to her knees and scooted a little closer to him. She missed his touch already. “What are you thinking about?”

“It’s really hard for me not to touch you more,” he said quietly. “It’s hard to be close to you. I’ve never been close to anyone like this before. It scares me.”

It was perhaps the most personal thing he had ever told her, and her heart leaped to reassure him. “That’s okay,” she said. It was probably a good idea, she decided, that they have this conversation. “I haven’t either. It’s hard for me too. And I…I do want you to touch me more. I just…I don’t want to go too far. It’s important to me that there are feelings, and I’m not sure that going too fast won’t wreck that, so I want to be careful.” She hoped that was clear enough. It was hard for her to talk specifically about what she wanted and what she was afraid of when she was most afraid of frightening him away. If he was afraid of being close to her then she would have to be careful in her expectations, to be considerate of his feelings. If she demanded too much he might pull back, or disappear, or any number of things she didn’t want to contemplate.

“What if the feelings grow as we get closer?” he asked her.

“What do you mean?”

He was quiet for a moment, staring at the walls of his room, a faded blue in the darkness of night. Shadows cloaked his face as she waited, letting him think.

“I want you,” he said simply. “And when we’re together I feel things, and when I touch you they get stronger. I want to keep feeling that way.” He reached out and touched her face, his hand cupping her cheek as his fingers entangled themselves in her hair. She felt herself overpowered by his eyes, drawn in to their glow as he pulled her face close to his. “Relena,” he whispered. “You’re very special to me. I want you to know that…” His eyes closed, shutting out her face, “that you can trust me…not to go too far. We won’t do anything you don’t want to do. I like touching you. I like having you here. But I can control myself.”

She fell against him, her forehead hitting his shoulder and her arms wrapping around his neck. “I like it too,” she confessed. “I didn’t know it would be like this or feel like this. Heero…”

He kissed her, stealing her breath and her words, pushing her back down on the sheets and under him. She took a deep breath when his lips left her, her mind engaging in the feel of his body against hers as she wrapped her arms around his back. His muscles were hard, his skin soft, and she wondered what it would feel like to have her bare skin against his.

“Heero, it’s late,” she whispered before things got carried away again. “I have to go to work tomorrow.”

She felt his lips on her ear, a seductive kiss that she hoped was not accompanied by those melting whispers where he might be saying or thinking absolutely anything at all. “All right,” he replied. “Can I hold you?”

A sweet warmth spread through her at the question. Can I hold you? She didn’t know hearing him ask would make her feel the way it did. It was sometimes difficult to sleep with someone else so close, but she didn’t care for now. “Please,” she said.

She turned her back to him, rolling over and easing her head on the pillow. His body curved around hers, melting against her in all the right places. His arms went around her, holding her close. She could feel heat radiating from him, could feel his breath on her neck, and discovered suddenly that now she wasn’t tired at all.

He apparently wasn’t tired either. He began to stoke her body when it was clear she wasn’t sleeping, his hand running down her sides to her stomach. His fingers searched for any openings, sliding up her shirt to just below her breasts and then quickly retreating. She tried to keep her breathing down, but it was quickly speeding up as he ran his hands over her legs, down to her knees and then up to where her pant legs left convenient gaps for his hands to slip into. She was surprised when she felt his fingers graze the edge of her underwear, and even more surprised when she didn’t protest. She stayed perfectly still, afraid to encourage him and yet not wanting it to stop. His hands ran back over the outside of her shorts to her stomach, his favorite place to waste time, and then up the sides of her body again. This time, when he skirted over her shirt and around the edge of her breast, she shifted so that he touched her there.

There was a pause in activity, and she held her breath as he hesitated before touching her breast again. She swallowed as he palmed it softly, feeling the shape and testing the yield under the pressure of his hand. Then his hands began moving again, massaging her breasts and then exploring her whole body with larger sweeps. He played around her legs and stomach for a long time while she laid breathlessly, mind blank while he teased her with creeping movements toward the center, going under and over her clothes until the ache in her was so strong she let out a slight sound like a whimper.

His voice was strained. “We won’t go too far,” he whispered, and on the outside of her clothes his hand slid between her thigh and hip to the center, his fingers slipping between her closed legs. Her body reacted immediately. She stared straight ahead, surprised to find herself on the verge of panting, her whole body tensing as her muscles clenched.

“Heero,” she gasped with need, and he began to move his hand against her.

She could only lie still for so long before she had to help. Her hips moved on their own accord, her heartbeat and breathing increasing without her express will. Heero’s fingers were a little off the mark, but with her clothes on and his inexperience, her only real thought was to correct it quickly. She shifted her body until he touched her in the right spot, and she let out a soft sound of pleasure before his fingers lost their place again. Maybe he was playing with her, testing her to see how much she wanted it, or maybe he really didn’t know, but as she rocked her hips against his hand she reached down to his wrist and moved him to where she wanted him to be. He caught on and obeyed.

“Oh,” she moaned, and shut her eyes to block out all other sensations.

It lasted only minutes, her climax coming and going swiftly, leaving her suddenly satisfied. As the feelings faded, she had to stop Heero from touching her. He wasn’t able to see her face, and she choked on her sounds so that he had no way of knowing when it was done. When he removed his hand she rolled over and buried her head against his chest, not wanting to think straight or move. All the build up of the last few hours had drained out of her in those moments of physical rush, leaving only a human girl who fell asleep almost before her head settled against the pillow.

When she awoke the next morning, Heero was already up. She lifted her head from the pillow and glanced at the clock just to be sure that she had awoken before she asked Heero to set the alarm. She remembered the night before immediately, and flushed with embarrassment, not really knowing how to feel. Now that the sexual tension was gone everything looked a little different. She hadn’t intended anything like that to happen, and yet, she knew she had encouraged it so there was nothing to be upset about. Pushing back the covers, she swung her feet off the bed and padded out of the bedroom.

“Heero?” she called.

When she got no answer, she continued down the hallway to the kitchen where Heero was feeding Ted. He looked up when he saw her come in.

“Good morning,” she said, and flushed under his eyes.

He didn’t say anything, but his expression hosted a small smile and a glint in his eyes that made her turn two shades redder. “Um…I have to take a shower,” she said hastily, and quickly retreated.

As she washed using the shampoos and soaps she now stored here from home, she wondered what he must think of her. All that talk about wanting to wait and not being ready and then letting that happen. The worst part was that she didn’t return the favor and had no idea how to feel about that. Was he angry that she had just fallen asleep? Why did she? Did she not want to touch Heero that way? Did she perhaps not feel that way about him after all? She narrowed her eyes, trying to sort out her emotions and shook her head. Every time he smiled at her she glowed. She craved to spend even a moment in his presence. He interested her so deeply. And she loved to touch him, and loved him to touch her. She had just been satisfied, and inexperienced. She wondered, though, if this was too fast, if maybe she shouldn’t have put the brakes on last night. Maybe they should have continued the proceeding conversation a little deeper or a little longer, to make things a little clearer. She leaned her head against the tiles, racking her brain for something she could be sure of. There was a queasy feeling of uncertainty in her stomach, but then, she was prudish and over-conservative so there probably should be. After all, this was her first experience, and these feelings were not something she was used to. Of course it would stand to reason that she would feel a little anxious about everything. She had heard that love was a scary and uncertain thing, but for some reason she had always believed that it would just feel right, and secure, and that she would just instantly know everything. Smiling to herself, she turned off the water, toweled off and dressed for the day. Even to the last she was idealistic and ignorant of reality. How like her.

She met Heero in the living room where he sat on the couch, scratching Ted behind the ears while he watched the morning news broadcast.

“Are you hungry?” he asked her. “I can fix you something quickly.”

“No, I’ll eat at work,” she said, and pushed her hair behind her ears. “Um…” She wasn’t sure what she wanted to say exactly.

He looked at her without expression and then stood, unwinding gracefully from the couch. She was always amazed by the way he moved. Adulthood and brought to him a certain flow of moment that was beautiful to behold. Had he been holding a weapon, he would have looked dangerous. He moved to stand in front of her and began adjusting her clothes. He had been doing that lately, turning back the collars of her coats and adjusting her buttons. She took it as a sign of affection, of minute care to her person, and smiled at him. Lifting a hand, she touched his cheek and smiled.

He stopped moving, looking into her eyes as if trying to assess her. She couldn’t read anything in his face, so carefully controlled was his expression, but after a moment he leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips.

“Have a good day at work,” he whispered. “I’ll see you tonight?”

She nodded.

At work, Relena found herself sitting with Olivia during lunch. Olivia was barely an acquaintance, a lobbyist for environmental supporters, but she spoke sharply and had a saucy, opinionated personality that Relena found welcoming after hours of meetings with overly polite diplomats.

Somehow Relena found herself sharing about her relationship with Heero.

“So how long have you been dating this guy?” Olivia asked, running a hand through, curly, unruly hair.

Relena sat poised with her knees and ankles together, a teacup in her hand and her lunch mostly finished on the table. “Oh, since the first date? About two and a half months or so, I think.” Was it really so short? It felt much longer.

“And you’re just now sleeping with him?” Olivia asked.

Relena blinked. Just now? It had seemed like a very short time to her, but she supposed different people did things differently. “Oh, I’m not sleeping with him,” she said, taking a sip of her tea. “I just…sleep over.”

Olivia nodded. “Are you not sure you want a serious relationship with him then?”

Relena blinked again. “Well… no, I think I do. I just don’t want to rush things.” She paused and turned her face toward the windows that flooded the room with light. A view of the city stretched out under the gaze of her eyes, but she found herself looking at the clouds, and the birds that winged gracefully through a clear blue sky. “I actually think I might be in love with him.” She flushed, feeling a little silly and unable to believe that she had said that to this stranger, but now that it was said aloud she felt it echo in her heart. Little lights danced inside her.

Olivia smiled at her. “It’s a nice feeling, isn’t it?” she said, and then she laughed. “I fall in love a couple of times a year, you know. I never get tired of it. Even when the men are jerks, as they all have been so far. I don’t know why I keep doing it.”

Relena’s features screwed themselves into a knot. “I don’t think it’s like that for me,” she said, and wondered if that was rude of her to say. She just wanted to talk about it so desperately. Her head was full of thoughts of Heero, and because she was afraid that telling him how she felt would frighten him, she talked instead to the next available person. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I think it’s special.”

“But you’re not sleeping with him?”

“Well, no, not yet.” She blushed. “I’m a virgin. So is he. I don’t want to rush things. I want them to develop. I would like to be in a loving relationship for my first time.”

Olivia stared at her. “You’re still a virgin?”

She couldn’t quite describe the feeling she had at this perturbing statement. She almost felt…guilty, certainly pressured, and a touch indignant. For some reason, she found herself raising a defense. “Well, I’ve been so busy with my political life there hasn’t really been time. And I want it to be with someone special, as I said. I’ve been waiting so long for the perfect time and the right person. I want it to be meaningful. I’ve always wanted to be with just one person forever, but I don’t want to be too idealistic. I know it’s a failing of mine. Even so, I want to be deeply in love at least.” She laughed. “My mother expects me to be married.”

“Huh. Well, it’s not going to be perfect no matter how long you wait,” she said. “It can be meaningful without being perfect, though.”

Relena knew. She could admit to pragmatics when pressed.

“If you want my advice I think you should lose it,” Olivia added. “If this guy means so much to you and if you love each other, why not? That’s close to perfect isn’t it?”

“It hasn’t been much time, though,” Relena said worriedly.

Olivia shrugged. “Yeah, maybe not. I guess you could wait awhile and see how things go?”

“That’s what I was going to do. I think I’d like to have it planned out.”

“Yeah. That’s smart. You don’t want to get accidentally pregnant or anything.”

That she would accidentally get pregnant had never crossed Relena’s thoughts. She was the straight-laced, uptown benefactress of the universe. Accidentally pregnant wasn’t something she could see happening to herself, and yet, she knew it could happen to anybody. Perhaps she ought to take precautions. That would be the smart thing to do. She could visit a clinic tomorrow and get some information. As for the act itself, she found herself musing, when was a good time?