Desires of the Heart

Chapter 4

By zapenstap

The telephone was like a foreign object in his hand. Heero handled it with care, noting the details of its shape and structure, the feel of the smooth plastic against the palm of his hand. He thought of Relena, of what it would feel like to hold her, to take her out and get close to her. His palms were strangely sweaty. He swallowed and wondered where such thoughts had come from.

They frightened him.

Skirting away from his fear, an emotion he avoided if he could, he found himself in a blank void, a place that immediately filled with memories of a time when he had been completely in control, lacking nerves, lacking fears, lacking desires. He began to unconsciously sink into the cold mental state he assumed when on the battlefield. When he had fought, nothing fazed him. Explosions, wounds, destruction, death and even hopelessness were all distractions to be ignored out in the dust and the heat of battle. When the dust settled and the adrenaline thinned, the hollow emptiness that was the rest of his life rushed in. Out in the fight it was all skinned knees, burning heart, aching hands and a hazy mind held together by rigid control. Out of the battles it was all confusion and fumbling. He choked, banishing the thoughts, taking deep breaths until the memories receded and the task at hand came once more to view. Now, the thought of holding Relena was like cool water poured over his head. The thought that he wanted to be with a girl was a comfort and a welcome distraction. The heat and animal instinct that accompanied the thought was far more pleasant than the scorching fire of his memories of his life in battle. Out there, a racing heart was his only conscious link to his body; the sound of it pounding in his ears when he was about to lose consciousness reminded him of its primary use, to send blood to his veins so that he could do what was necessary. It took will power. At his lowest points he had always had that. Will power. It could do a lot for a man.

Numbly, he forced his past back into the black box it had sprung form and dialed Relena’s number. He held the phone precariously to his ear. His hand had a death grip on the edge of the table.

It rang once, twice…

He hung up.

“Did you call her yet?” Mandred’s voice came from the living room. His old mentor sounded so calm.

Heero took a deep breath and felt himself calming down. “No,” he said, pleased that at least he had full command of his voice. “I was thinking.”

“Are you going to call her?”

“Yes,” he answered automatically, irritated more at himself than Mandred, and picked up the phone again. He was surprised when he realized that he was shaking a little. Nervous. Yes, he had felt that before. It was easy to ignore it. Other people wouldn’t notice; not if he got the job done. People were always primarily interested in results. Nerves were better than emptiness. Even fear was better than that.

And he was certainly scared as his fingers punched in Relena’s office number. It was getting late. Would she even still be there? The phone rang once, twice, still with no pick up. Maybe she had gone home already. He was idly wondering if he preferred this to the battles after all when he suddenly recalled that he had her home phone number too. He didn’t remember why or how he had it, but he remembered that he had written it down somewhere at some time. No excuses then. Three times, four. His breath felt choked in his body. He didn’t even hear the fifth ring because the buzzing thoughts in his head were so loud they overwhelmed all other senses. He could feel his heart pumping, thudding loudly in his ears. He imagined the organ at work, the blood squeezing through his arteries. The sound carried that much detail it was so loud, but what good was it? This was not a strenuous activity. Six rings. No one expected you to hang on after the seventh. She probably wasn’t there. He could call back at another…

“Hello?”

Her voice was like having cold water dunked over his head. “Relena?” His voice was so quiet. He barely understood himself.

“Heero?”

She sounded surprised. He might have taken that as a tactical advantage if he could think as well as he usually did. Mentally, he tried to calm himself, choosing his words carefully. He wished he knew what to say. It felt like the words came out in a tangle. “Relena, I’m calling because of this afternoon…” He trailed off until he found himself in a comfortable silence, comfortable for him anyway. His voice and the words coming out of his mouth didn’t sound like him, at all, but what was he supposed to say? He was objectively conscious of the awkward gap he had left in the conversation. Through the phone, he could almost physically feel her confusion. The silence stretched. He knew he ought to say something, but his mouth remained closed. He just kept breathing. If he didn’t think too strongly about it, he could believe that getting this far was a bit of a victory.

Somebody should still say something.

“It’s all right, Heero,” Relena said. She must have cued in that he wasn’t going to say more. “It was good to see you.” It sounded to him like a confused, formulaic response pulled out her handbag of diplomatic replies, but at least she said something.

Heero fumbled for a response, one with purpose. He remembered Mandred’s advice, about asking for a meeting alone with her that had nothing to do with business, hoping she could figure it out. Several propositions took shape in his mind…

I have been wanting to talk with you privately, Relena. Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?

I’m sorry for the way I behaved. Would like me to take you out to dinner to make it up to you?

Relena, I was thinking about you the other day and it had come to my attention that I don’t see a great deal of you lately. Would you like to have dinner to catch up?

Relena, I know this is a bit abrupt, but if you’re not doing anything tomorrow night, would you like to meet me for dinner so we can talk for awhile?

Anything of the sort seemed like an adequate invitation. Several times he parted his lips to suggest one of them, but each time he found himself lingering in the safety of silence. It was like swimming in a pool with a shallow end and a deep end, hovering over the point where your feet no longer touched the bottom. He was pretty sure that he could swim, but he had never tested the waters. He was doing all right on the shallow end, so why risk what he had? The water felt the same out there as it did over here, didn’t it? Relena wasn’t going to become a different person if he took her out, and he already knew as much as he really needed to know about her, didn’t he? What good, what profit was there in trying for a closer relationship anyway? Well, there were some things about their relationship, possibly, that might change if he got closer to her…

“Heero, are you still there?” Relena’s soft voice came through to his ears.

“Yes,” he said automatically. “I was thinking.” Do you want to have dinner with me? It was so easy to say.

“What were you thinking about?” she asked.

I was thinking about you, came a fervent thought. She was so beautiful, long legs and slim hips and sweet, sparkling eyes. Do you… He still couldn’t seem to find his voice. Nervously, he began toying with the things on the table, and then took to pacing around the room. Silence weighed heavily on his ears.

“Heero?” she said again, still waiting for a reply. “Why are you calling me?” She was quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to talk to you more today,” she murmured suddenly. “Maybe we should have dinner some time to catch up.”

She had said it for him. He responded automatically, though surprisingly slow and calm. “I think that would be a good idea. I’d like to talk to you too.”

She paused again, weighing his statement. He wasn’t annoyed that she might weigh it correctly. If anything, all he considered was that, if she did weigh it correctly, it might never be necessary for him to ever tell her anything. If she could guess his feelings, like it seemed girls could, he needed never explain them. He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

“Where do you want to meet?” she asked. “I am free tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow night,” he agreed. He felt easier. Smiling, he suggested a place, a little seaside restaurant he had heard was highly recommended. He asked her when she would want him to pick her up. She said seven.

At length he hung up the phone and looked in the mirror hanging on the side wall. He looked all right to himself, though perhaps his hair could be combed. He had nicer shirts than this too… She had agreed to go to dinner with him. He hoped she realized that it was a date, though he still wasn’t sure how dates were meant to work. What were they going to talk about? He already knew everything important about her. He hardly considered it after a moment. Instead he just thought of her, letting his mind run free over the thoughts he had suppressed before. Could it really be possible that she and he could…? She had agreed to a date and he was taking her out to dinner. Maybe something would happen.

When he walked out of the room, he was confronted by Mandred sitting on the couch, one of Heero’s philosophy books in his hand. He lowered the book when Heero came into view and shook his head expressively. “Unbelievable,” he murmured with a small smile, and refused to explain what he meant by it.