Desires
of the Heart
Chapter
Five
By zapenstap
It had been a mildly cool winter day that darkened into evening before afternoon was over. Outside, the chill was almost to the point of frosting car windows and making the roads slick, but not quite. It was warm for winter, but still cool.
Relena sat on the couch before a fire in her apartment with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. The room was lit only by the fire roaring in the hearth, the shaded lamp on the glass table by the far window and a few scented candles burning silently on the mantle. Her bare feet were propped up on the brick in front of the fireplace, warming in the heat of the blaze as the burnt rose-colored lacquer hardened on her toenails.
She was cold because she was dressed only in a pair of gray sweat shorts and a white winter tank top. It was what she slept in these days, alone in her bed in a silent, empty house where no one could possibly remark on the informality of her dress. When she got home from work, she often stripped and stepped into the shower first thing, after which she threw on these casual sort of bedclothes and sometimes wrapped up in a robe. There was nothing to do after work on most days, and she spent her time in formulaic fashion. After her shower she would eat a hot dinner by herself, finish any work she had left over from the day, indulge in a bit of reading, watch the evening news for the media’s interpretation of events and then fall into bed and as early as possible. Oftentimes, she let her hair—thin and long as it was—disintegrate into a stringy and unmanageable tangle for the remainder of the day before letting her head sink into her pillow. At work she was poised and prim enough, but at home she was alone.
But tonight was different.
Relena gazed at the hot dancing flames in the fire, aware of the clock ticking on the wall behind her, reading just past six. Today she had gone home from work and taken a shower same as always, but tonight her hair was blow-dried, combed and styled. It was not stringy at all, but flowed together in a thin, but beautiful wave of honey-golden brown with blonde highlights. She had cleaned and exfoliated her face before applying make-up, including a lot of stuff that she didn’t usually wear, and every inch of her skin glowed with expensive, scented lotion. To her own hands, her arms and legs and stomach felt as soft and smooth as the wing of a dove, and something in her stomach wouldn’t stop quaking with the thought that maybe somebody else might think so too. Maybe not by the end of the night—that would be a little fast for her—but maybe someday.
She closed her eyes against the heat of the fire, and felt her eyelids cooking in the warm glow. The air around her seemed to hum with a soft, beautiful expectation, a sweet sort of tenderness that beat in time to the echo in her heart.
She tried to keep her thoughts from exploring too much. She didn’t want to persuade herself one way or the other. Thoughts that this dinner with Heero was only a silly meeting or a hopelessly awkward and fruitless date warred with thoughts that this was the beginning of the first romance of her life, maybe the beginning of something that would last forever.
A few years ago love had never been a serious consideration for her. She had always assumed that she would get married someday and the standards she had for herself warranted a strong love commitment in that, but she had never concerned herself over it. She assumed that it would just happen and she had never done a single thing to advance the realization of that assumption. Many guys had been interested her during school as she was the wealthiest girl in the district, elegant and well-mannered, but none of those boys had meant anything to her. She had never been kissed or cuddled or held or wooed and she had been starting to feel very strange about it. Of course she reminded herself that the right person just hadn’t come along, and in the stage of her life where the subject was often entertained lightly for the experience of it she had been far too busy with matters that affected the entire world to bother. Now that all of that was said and done there was a feeling of emptiness in her, a quiet longing for…well it was difficult to imagine it, having never felt it before.
She had never allowed herself be in love with Heero, of course, not really. It was a little different now, but when she first met him it never crossed her mind to let herself just fall in love with him, to have a crush like any idiot girl. He had been immediately alluring, though, as no one had ever been. At the time, he was a mystery, a soldier on the beach who was strange, elusive and dangerous. And then, over time, she became concerned about him, about his part in the war, about the horrible way he had been treated all his life about matters that really were not his fault and not his concern save by choice. It was partly that choice that inspired her to make those matters her concern too, to motivate her to do all that she had done. After all, if a fifteen year old boy without a hope in the world and no one to care whether her breathed or died could do so much, what might be expected of someone like her, with her resources, connections, education and grit? Yes, Heero had been her motivation, the model that pushed her into action. It was for him that she initially had done anything for everybody. It was for him that she had bled her soul and sold her country and herself to Romafeller for true peace. But had she fallen in love with him? Not exactly.
She cared about him. She liked him. He had always loomed largely in her thoughts. But during the war it wasn’t that personal, not in a romantic way. She hadn’t allowed it to be, to let herself drown in such romantic whimsies. She hadn’t ever felt that he cared a smidgen for her, after all, not really. She knew that he couldn’t kill her, but she suspected it was because something in his heart was changing for humanity in general, maybe by meeting her, but it wasn’t her particularly, just someone caring. It wasn’t like he was in any way attracted to her. Not like that.
But then, after the war, when everything was over, she had found other things about him to think about. It was less motivation and more…idle, as if she had nothing better or more important to think about. Before Mandred came she had been scared for him and maybe that was part of it, because she saw that even with the newfound peace he was hurting and lonely and depressed, but all of that had changed. He was still Heero in the essential ways. He was still smart and quietly observant and he didn’t like to be around a lot of people, but he seemed generally happier, at ease with himself and his place in the world, at ease to let go of soldier in him and just live. She admired that change in him, coming so quickly, as much as she admired him in general, and her thoughts lingered on him for long periods sometimes, but was that love? She was a little breathless yesterday when he came in out of nowhere to see her, and the way he had touched her hand had sparked desires she had kept locked up tight all her life, but it was only in the way of speculation, though she wouldn't deny that she liked him even if it wasn't love.
But what if it could be?
She sat before the fire with her hair done and her toenails painted, staring into the flames, wondering what he was thinking and doing at this moment. In two hours they would have dinner, just the two of them, and if she wasn’t mistaken, he meant for it to be a date. He had made her ask, of course, she remembered with a frown, but she had been pretty dead certain that that was why he had called. Besides, his awkwardness was kind of adorable.
She smiled to herself, hands curling around her feet and the blanket slipping off her shoulders. He had been both cute and infuriating on the phone. She could see him through the receiver during the long, awkward silences, boring holes through the walls with those eyes of his, his slender frame probably straight and tense as a tree. His jaw must have clamped shut on him to account for all those pauses when he seemed to be waiting for her to tell him what he wanted. Men were supposed to take initiative, she had been told, but Heero was still a boy. He didn’t know what he was doing by calling a girl and asking for a date. He might as well be fourteen for all the likely experience that he had. Of course, she didn’t have any experience either, but that only made it more awkward and confusing, and she thought that girls tended to imagine such scenarios more often. At least, she had imagined how it would be if he would call her like that before; she just hadn’t believed he actually would.
When her toenails were dry, Relena stood up with the blanket around her shoulders and went upstairs to her room to dress. She dressed last so that her clothes wouldn’t get wrinkled from sitting around waiting and so that she would still feel new and confident in them. Heero hadn’t mentioned what she would wear, but she doubted he would be trying to impress her with anything ridiculously fancy, so she opted for something between work and weekends. The result was a knee-length black skirt fitted to her body and a sleeveless white top. Her arms would get cold without a coat, but she had a white one that would do quite well and black sandal shoes to match her skirt. For jewelry she wore small diamond studs with silver backs and a tiny, silver heart pendant with a small diamond in the center. Both were gifts from her mother—her adopted mother, anyway—on her last birthday. Her hair she wore down, to offset the heeled shoes in a gesture of informality, and also because she thought she looked better with her hair down. She refused to let herself think about how wearing her hair down might attract a boy’s desire to run his fingers through it, even if that’s what she was doing. Those kind of thoughts spawned butterflies in her stomach.
At last she was ready and
it was only
She was full-fledged panicking, and berating herself for it, when a quiet knock came at the door. Relena half dropped and half threw her book on the couch, bounding to her feet in a second. All at once she remembered a dozen things she hadn’t done that she had meant to. All the lights were on and her purse was by the counter in the kitchen. She had forgotten to lock her doors in advance and she had meant to grab some mints to put in her purse. Too late now.
Dashing to the door, Relena opened it hastily, too hasty to prepare herself for the sight of him, or think about what to say.
"Heero," she stammered, pulling the door open wider. She beat herself mentally for sounding surprised like that when she knew it would be him. She ought to have said something warm and self-assured, something ladylike. Too late now. "Come in, please," she added, and stepped back to let him into her home.
The first thing she noticed was that she had dressed about right since he had actually bothered to dress up at all. He looked well groomed to her, beautiful in his walled-off, mysterious way, hands in the pockets of nice, gray dress slacks with a matching jacket. His hair was still unruly, but it wasn't in a disheveled way. He just wasn't somebody to comb or slick his hair back, which was fine with her because she thought that would look awfully strange on him. He didn’t smile, though, and she couldn't tell if it was because he wasn't happy or because he was nervous or concentrating on something. Either way, she did her best to ignore it and managed to smile at him.
After that, the foretold awkwardness set in. Simultaneously, they both seemed to realize that this was a date and took note that the other person knew it too.
Heero lowered his head and cleared his throat. “I have reservations…” he began.
“Of course,” she said, and new her eyes must be a trifle wide. “Just let me get my purse.”
They talked a little in the car, but most of the time she spent obsessing over her makeup, hoping the blush wasn’t too strong or the lip gloss too thick. If it wasn’t her makeup, it was her hair that bothered her, and it was an effort not to pull down the visor and look in the mirror on the passenger’s side. Instead, she smiled and asked him all the usual questions, and realized gradually that they were boring each other silly.
She didn’t want this to be a disaster. She knew they could both fascinate each other if they could only get to a level of comfort, but that seemed near impossible. Heero was nervous. She could tell even though he appeared to be rock steady. To her, he just seemed to be doing everything a little too carefully and too perfectly. Looking at him in the darkness of the car, she noted the way his throat flashed when he breathed, and how quickly he was breathing. With that observation she was overcome by a sudden desire to take the hand he was not driving with in her own, but the minute the thought became clear she froze up and lost all focus of conversation. They drove the rest of the way to the restaurant in silence.
The lights inside were welcome and brought the smile back to her face. For once, nobody appeared to be staring at her. It was such a nice feeling not to be stared at. Heero talked in low tones to the host and then glanced at her over his shoulder when it became apparent that it was time to be led to their table. Relena smiled and walked up to his side, though she did not take his arm or stand too close. When the waiter gestured for them to follow, Heero waved her to walk in front of him politely.
Dinner was wonderful, other than trying not to pick anything too expensive on the menu or worrying whether she had anything stuck in her teeth. Heero was a quiet date. But then, he was a quiet person. When they were ordering, he didn’t talk; he merely read his menu in silence while she watched and contemplated his face. He really did have a very beautiful face. When he finally did look at her, his eyes held her steadily in their gaze for several moments before he began to speak. He neither blushed nor tripped over his words, but simply began talking with her.
“I was up in L1 a few weeks
back,” he said in those smooth tones of him, not smiling, but not unhappy. “It was strange seeing the construction that
they’re doing now. All
the armaments being torn down to make room for more resources. Did you hear the plans that professor from
She hadn’t even known someone else had taken interest in that. A spark lit up in her breast at such a strange and gratifying connection. Now that the war was over, researchers in a swarm of universities were proposing all sorts of new ideas. When she replied with equal knowledge, he also seemed surprised. Even so, throughout the entire conversation she noticed that he only blinked his eyes twice. It gave him a bit of a terrifying appearance, even though she was not afraid.
When dinner came, they broke off the conversation a little to eat and then resumed it again with a different topic. Heero asked her what she had been doing all this time, which sparked an easy flow of conversation that seemed to shift back and forth. Heero was fairly open with his comings and goings since he no longer had anything to hide, but even then she had the distinct impression that he was telling her things he wouldn’t have said to anyone else. It brought a smile and quiet glow to her face, and gradually she became aware of how much she wanted this to work. She wasn’t willing to commit to loving him yet—certainly not—but she felt for the first time in her life the glimmerings of a special care for a particular person. True, for him there had always been something there, but not like this. This was romantic and strange and wonderful all at the same time, and even if it was hesitant, she found that she couldn’t stop smiling.
By the time they finished eating, Relena gradually lost sense of propriety and slipped into a comfort zone she rarely had even when alone at home. Her voice rose when she grew excited about a topic and she laughed whenever she found something funny. She was only vaguely aware that her posture had lost some of its perfect rigidly and she didn’t notice the way Heero had gotten very quiet, leaning with his elbows on the table and staring at her with eyes that almost seemed to shimmer. A small, barely detectible smile made his face look more genteel and angelic than she could ever remember and he watched her with that expression for some time before she became aware of it. When she did notice, she grew quiet too, her good mood sinking into her heart and her face relaxing. A slightly embarrassed blush bloomed in her cheeks.
“Are you finished?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” she said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to dominate the conversation.”
“I meant with dinner,” he said in that same quiet voice.
She blushed again. “Yes,” she said, and couldn’t help wondering what he was thinking.
Heero sat up straighter and called to the waiter to bring the check. His expression was the way she remembered it again, composed and mysterious, but it also seemed more personal to her, and she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the arch of his neck or the smooth lines of his nose and chin and cheeks.
They left the restaurant when the waiter returned with Heero’s check, and this time Relena did stand a little closer to him, though she wasn’t sure she ought to. When they crossed the parking lot and came close to the car, she felt Heero put his hand softly on the small of her back. Her heart began thumping faster for some reason, but all she did was open the door and sit down on the carpeted seats. She sat shivering in the cold as Heero walked around the back of the car and got in beside her. She didn’t speak while they waited for the engine to warm up. She didn’t speak when they were on the road and heading back to her house. She just couldn’t think of a damned thing to say.
When he was in her neighborhood she cleared her throat, feeling that if she didn’t say something now she wouldn’t say anything at all. “Thank you for dinner, Heero,” she said politely. “I had a wonderful time.” Did that sound too polite, as if she really hadn’t enjoyed herself?
Heero smiled a sweet, closed-lip smile. “Thanks for coming with me,” he said.
As he pulled up to the curb of her house, Relena felt her heart flutter. She had to ask. To be sure, she had to ask. “Heero,” she said as he put the car in park and the lights turned off. “Was this a date?”
He stopped moving for a second, his hands frozen on the emergency brake and the wheel. “Yeah,” he said, and turned his eyes to her.
For a second, she wondered if he was going to kiss her, and a shock like electricity went through her system. His face looked so kissable at that moment, but he didn’t make any move of that sort. Maybe she only wanted him to.
“Is that okay?” he asked. He actually sounded unsure, and again she felt like taking his hand in hers. When she didn’t respond, he looked like he was about to say more, something unnecessary like an apology.
“Yes,” she said, and flushed at how empathetic it sounded like that, a lone word blurted out in the dark interior of a car. “I was hoping that was what you meant to say when you came to see me the other day,” she added.
He looked satisfied, and relieved, relaxing a little in the car seat.
Abruptly she realized nothing more was going to happen tonight. “I guess it’s late,” she said, though it wasn’t much past ten.
“Yeah,” he said. “You have to get up early.”
Smiling at him, she opened the car door and let herself out. She didn’t expect him to walk her to her door now, not Heero, but she did sort of wish he would. “Heero,” she said, leaning back toward the door. “Was this the last date?”
That same look that she had seen in the restaurant came across his face again, that sweet, contemplative expression that seemed to be considering her in the most appealing light. “No,” he said, and she believed him. “I had a good time too. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
She would have waited on the porch while he drove away, but she also knew he wouldn’t drive away as long as she stood on the porch, so with another smile and one last thank you, she walked back to her door and let herself in with her keys. When she turned on the hallway light and locked the door, she heard the sound of tires moving and looked out the window in time to see him drive away.