~Bound~

Chapter One

"You put the lime in the coconut and drink them both together

You put the lime in the coconut and then you feel better

Put the lime in the coconut and he drank them both up

Put the lime in the coconut and call me in the morning."

-Lime in the Coconut by The Muppets

"You’re in town!?" Relena almost squealed as she excitedly gripped the screen.

Hilde smiled warmly. "Yep! Duo has a meeting with a sheet metal provider in this area, so we thought we’d come up a few days early and see if we can’t distract you from your very important duties for a little while." She winked at her blonde friend.

"You’re insane! Can you guys meet me for dinner tonight? I’ll even ditch my security." Relena grinned, whispering conspiratorially.

"That’s all I ask!" Hilde laughed. "Oh, but Duo won’t be joining us tonight. He’s got other business."

Relena looked slightly disappointed, but her eyes still shone with happiness.

"So, you think you could take the week off and go crazy?" Hilde bit her lip, crossing her fingers away from Relena’s view.

This was the most vital part of the plan. If Relena didn’t clear her schedule, then they couldn’t go forward.

Relena hesitated for an instant. "Oh what the hell. I don’t have anything that can’t be rescheduled, right!? Besides, it’s not every day you guys make it down from L2!"

Hilde’s breath left her in a slight whoosh. She practically beamed at Relena. "Great! So, where to for dinner?"

"I just need to give my secretary some instructions to hold my calls and reschedule this week’s meetings. You’re lucky missy, this week just happens to be incredibly mundane…soooo let’s say 7:30? Cactus Bar and Grill?" Relena suggested.

Hilde smiled. "Perfect."

~*~*~*~*~

Heero eyed the new distraction life had flung his way with great distaste.

"Come on, Heero, what’s it gonna be?"

The figure on the vidscreen pouted slightly, tossing long, glossy hair away from jeweled eyes that were currently flashing with impatience.

Truthfully, Heero had assumed he would never have to deal with this brand of chaos ever again. If he had known it would come back to haunt him he probably would’ve avoided tempting it from the beginning. But he had been so lonely…

Well, lying, ignoring, insulting, intimidating, and reluctant tolerance hadn’t gotten him anywhere. Maybe it was time for…the truth.

"I can’t. I have guard dut-…" Heero stopped mid sentence as his charge burst into his office.

"You’re off tonight, Heero! I have plans!" Relena grinned breathlessly before slamming his door shut again and racing down the hall.

Heero sat there a minute to absorb what Relena had just said, and the ramifications of it. Slowly, he turned his woeful eyes to the vidscreen currently displaying the unavoidable nuisance.

"Looks like you and me are on tonight, buddy." Duo Maxwell smirked, knowing he had the fellow Gundam pilot backed into a corner.

Heero sighed deeply, regretting the day he ever spoke to Duo Maxwell, unknowingly coaxing the braided idiot into friendship. "So, where are we meeting again?"

~*~*~*~*~*~

Duo turned to the girl next to him as he hung up with Heero.

"Alright, I’ve got Heero. We meet at the designated spot, and from there drop them off at the hotel. Did Relena clear her schedule for the week?"

Hilde nodded. "That’s a big 10-4. Apparently our timing was good. She had only a few meetings that she managed to re-schedule. You have the goods?"

Duo flashed Hilde a confident smile before producing two small envelopes from his pocket.

"Slip the contents into her drink. Remember, it has to be alcohol or the body won’t absorb it properly. She shouldn’t be able to taste it. But be sure you get her back to the car before it takes effect. I can carry Heero if he passes out too soon, but you won’t be able to handle Relena."

"This is gonna be harder than I thought. Neither Relena or Heero are drinkers."

"Don’t worry, babe, just stick to the plan. I guarantee it’ll come through."

"You realize that if we screw this up, Heero’s gonna kill us." Hilde pointed out, a little unsure now that the plan was actually in motion.

Duo snorted. "One thing you need to know about Heero- he’s the biggest bluffer I’ve ever met. I can’t tell you how many death threats I’ve been on the receiving end of."

Hilde smiled before taking her envelope from Duo and walking to her rental car.

"Remember!" She called back to him, "Eleven o’clock! No flirting with other girls!"

"I know, I know!" Duo waved her off as he got into his own rental car.

Both drove in opposite directions to meet their targets, neither noticing the forest green eyes that watched them intently from a well-concealed park bench.

‘Hm. It seems my services will be needed in the future."

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Relena!" Hilde waved as she noticed her friend standing timidly outside the restaurant. Her long, and normally loose gold hair was twisted, coiled, and pinned in place by a large, unadorned clip. Sunglasses were perched over her eyes even though it was growing too dark for her to really need them. For extra measure a scarf was draped over her hair, knotted precisely under her chin.

Despite Relena’s precautions, she still looked stunning. If anything, her garb shrouded her in mystery, giving her an enigmatic appeal. Hilde sighed and rolled her eyes. She wondered if Relena knew her efforts to remain inconspicuous were a total waste. There was no way the former princess could go somewhere and not be noticed.

"I haven’t been spotted yet." Relena whispered into the shorter girls’ ear as Hilde walked over to stand next to her, a note of excited liberation sounding clear.

"I can’t imagine why. Relena, you look like a spy out of a James Bond film. Take off those sunglasses." Hilde sighed, almost giggling when Relena seemed to panic.

"But what if someone notices me!?" Relena whispered frantically, clutching the sunglasses to her eyes.

Hilde laughed. "Trust me, you already stick out like a sore thumb. Losing the shades will *not* make any difference."

Relena reluctantly relinquished the sunglasses as they both walked into the restaurant, and were seated.

"What may I get you two ladies this evening?" the young waiter asked cheerily, note pad at ready.

Hilde spoke before Relena could. "Vodka! And lots of it!"

The waiter scratched the order down before running off to retrieve the drinks.

"Vodka? Hilde, is there something going on that you’re not telling me?" Relena asked, eyes crinkling at the corners with concern.

Hilde feigned a weary sigh. "You see Relena, the thing is…me and Duo…we’re just not…"

~*~*~*~*~

"…doing so well. I mean the magic is gone- the lust, the romance, it’s all faded. I feel like I’m old and married or something." Duo lamented to his stoic friend, hoping he’d buy the lie.

"That’s very tragic, but I don’t seem to recall even asking about you and Hilde. What I *did* ask you however was why the hell you ordered my drink for me. I don’t even like tequila." Heero groused, still simmering over the fact that Relena had just run out on him, leaving him without an excuse to avoid Duo.

‘Probably on a date with some guy.’ Heero’s mood darkened considerably.

"I’ll be blunt with you, Heero. I do. In fact, the only thing I like even *better* than tequila, is a drinking buddy. And that’s exactly what I intend for you to be. I have a lot of sorrows to drown tonight." Duo confessed as the waiter set their shots down. ‘And if I’m lucky, yours will be included, my friend.’ He finished silently. Taking a lick of salt from his palm, the former pilot of Deathsythe grinned widely before hefting his glass up high. "Cheers!"

*more shots than you want to know later*

"Alright, pretty lady, after this one, you can bring me my bill." Duo slurred a little as he checked out the waitresses’ cute butt.

Noticing the line of his vision, she gave him a warning look before sauntering off.

‘Alright,’ Duo thought, eyeing Heero’s last shot ‘let’s hope I’m not too shit faced to be able to pull this off.’

He cast one last wistful look at his favorite pants before he deliberately knocked his drink over- straight into his lap.

"Ah crap! Just my luck. Heero-…"

~*~*~*~*~

"…could you get me some napkins?" Hilde asked innocently.

"Oh my gosh! Sure!" Relena got up a little unsteadily and walked over to the bar, having imbibed more alcohol than she probably should have.

Hilde glanced around suspiciously before dumping the contents of her envelope into Relena’s screwdriver. Using her spoon to stir the drink a few times she had to hope that the contents had dissolved properly as Relena approached the table. Quickly she hid her hands in her lap and directed her gaze towards the potted plant next to them- the same plant she’d been dumping half her drinks in when Relena wasn’t looking.

Hilde smiled as Relena sat back down. "Hey! Thanks -…"

~*~*~*~*~

"…a lot Heero I really appreciate it." Duo smiled gratefully at his disgruntled friend as he mopped up the liquid soaking through the material of his trousers.

Heero shook his head and downed his last shot. Duo tried not to watch him too closely as he swallowed. The spiky-haired boy set the glass down and looked pointedly at his friend. Silence stretched taut between them. Duo felt a lone bead of sweat trickle down his back- did Heero know? Had he been able to detect the drug in his drink?

"Are you gonna pay or not?" He asked, crossing his arms in annoyance.

"Oh! Oh, right! Sorry man, I guess I spaced out." Duo chuckled nervously as a heady burst of relief tore through his system.

Counting out a few bills, Duo tossed the money on the table (along with a hefty tip for the cute waitress named ‘Tina’), and walked out the swinging doors with Heero. Any minute now…

"Ugh. Something’s…wrong with me…" Heero commented vaguely before his eyes rolled back in his head.

Duo leaned over and caught Heero’s waist before he could fall. Hefting the slightly smaller man over his shoulder he made his way to the truck, his path weaving a little.

"Shit." Duo muttered to himself, upon realizing he was a lot drunker than he had expected to be. "Guess I overdid it a bit. Well, can’t say I wasn’t convincing." He laughed at this as he dumped Heero into the passenger side of the truck. It was gonna be one helluva ride to the rendezvous point.

~*~*~*~*~

Hilde glanced at her watch in an agitated manner. Duo was twenty minutes late. She pulled fingers roughly through her hair, tugging sharply on the short locks.

The plan had to go off without a hitch. They weren’t dealing with your average people here, it was Relena and Heero! The President of the Earth Sphere Unified Nation and the most-lethal-fucking-person alive, otherwise known as *her bodyguard*! Hilde blew out a frustrated sigh. Of all the times for Duo to be late. Hilde just knew she’d be finding her own way to the hospital once Heero had killed Duo and was finished with her.

She almost jumped when the pick-up truck pulled into the parking lot. The engine ground to halt as Duo stumbled out of the door, almost tripping as he emerged.

Anger ignited in Hilde’s eyes.

"Heya Hilde!" Duo waved lazily, grinning as Hilde stalked over to him.

"Duo! You’re *drunk*! You drove here *drunk*!" Hilde practically screeched.

"Now Hilde, calm down. I managed to pilot Deathsythe after a run-in with the Zero system. This is just child’s play as compared to that." Duo assured her, reaching a hand out to pat her shoulder in a comforting manner. Unfortunately, he miscalculated the direction severely, and ended up with a handful of breast.

Hilde slapped him, and Duo, being toasted as he was, promptly fell on his butt.

"Now is *definitely* not the time to be groping me. We’re half an hour behind schedule. We need to get them to that hotel as fast as we can."

"Nice thinkin’, babe." Duo attempted to give her a ‘thumbs up’, but got confused and ended up giving her an ‘index and pinkie finger up’.

Hilde rolled her eyes. "I’m not even gonna *wonder* much less *ask* how you managed to drive here safely in the state you’re in. It’s just your good luck that you know your way around machines better than the inside of our fridge. Go get Heero, we’re taking my car, and *I’m* driving. Honestly, just when I need you, what do you do? You go get hammered!"

"Hilde?"

"What?" Hilde snapped, turning to face her boyfriend still sitting on the pavement. He gave her a dreamy smile.

"I love you."

The words sank in with the easy gentleness of a jackhammer. Hilde opened her mouth in shock, desperately trying to formulate a response. Upon realizing there was nothing she could possibly say to a drunken declaration of love that she might or might not regret, she shut it quickly. She turned to back to Duo only to realize that he had already loaded Heero into her car in the backseat next to Relena’s limp form.

"What’re you doing, slowpoke? I’ve been waiting like, five minutes!" He called in an infuriatingly playful voice.

Hilde had to strongly repress the urge to bash her head against the lamppost next to her.

~*~*~*~*~

Sunlight was Heero Yuy’s greatest enemy. It reached across an impossible expanse of time and space just to pierce his eyelids in the most painful manner it could conceive. He let out a groan as he felt a strong kick of nausea curl it’s way through his stomach. Squinching his eyes closed even tighter he fervently wished that he had never regained consciousness.

‘Never again,’ he vowed, ‘never again will I drink with that paragon of stupidity.’

As he pulled one arm up he heard a soft tinkling before his limb was jerked back by a sudden weight. Heero’s eyes shot open as he realized that this was not a normal occurrence. Shooting up in the bed he was rewarded with an instant headache as he took a good look around. The room was unfamiliar, and badly decorated. Hotel. He was in a hotel. He tried to lift his arm again, and was reminded of what had caused him to wake up so abruptly in the first place.

He looked down at his wrist. Clasped around his wrist was a cuff. Intense blue eyes followed the chain linked to that cuff, finding a twin around a small, feminine hand. His gaze traveled upward to identify the owner of the hand.

It was Relena Darlian.

He was in bed, handcuffed to Relena Darlian.

Heero did the only thing he could think of.

He yelled, and he yelled reeeeeal good.

~*~*~*~*~*~

AN: Kids, don’t drink and drive. Just because Duo did it doesn’t mean it’s cool….

Alright, okay, *everything* Duo does is cool, but that still doesn’t mean you should be doing it! I mean, after all, you guys don’t walk around and proclaim yourself the God of Death do you? Hush up all you Duo-fanatics. My point is, there’s a difference between reality and fan fiction.

In fan fiction, convenient alloys get discovered and humans who have consumed far too much alcohol can still drive without wrecking.

In reality, you gotta handcuff ‘em the old fashioned way, and you will most likely *not* emerge from a drunk driving session as unscathed as our loveable Duo.

That being said, please return to you regularly scheduled fan fiction.

The Soundtrack:

Jug Of This (traditional Irish Drinking song)

Miracle by Electrasy

Respect by The Temptations (I think)

Narcolepsy by Third Eye Blind

Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

Lime in the Coconut by The Muppets (the song I am *convinced* got me through those nasty transitions during the bar scene. Thank god for Kermit ::bows to her Kermit shrine:: )