My Relena

By wsprs*nda*drk

I can feel the weight of the gilded door solidly against the bone of my

forehead. The wood stands unyielding, giving a feeling of stable security, and

mahogany tinted finish shines dully in candle-lit patterns, creating a sense of

quiet serenity. The oak calmly supports my resting brow, if not the thoughts

contained within.

Why? Why is this so difficult? Why can I not just… enter? Is it because I am

wary of what I will find on the other side of this barrier? Or..

..Is it because I know this is goodbye?

My eyes focus dimly on the decorative scene in front of me. I lift my hand as if

drawn to do so, and spread my fingers to touch the beauty of the wood. The

carvings are sophisticated, and dust has collected in the grooves in thin

speckled layers. The effect makes the door seem regal and imposing, but quiet -

and yielding - in a way which seems to invoke sorrow. I run the flesh of my

fingertips over the shapes and miniature statues, and try to make sense of the

ache that throbs inside my rib cage robbing me of breath. It seems so much a

part of me now - like it has lived there all my life, and it stirs within me at

my acknowledgement. It spreads beyond my lungs and all throughout me until I can

feel nothing else, and it slowly eases my body into its comfortable embrace. 

It’s strange how serene one becomes just as one is faced with destruction. 

My vision blurs, and I blink to clear it. The figures mock me with their

mimicry. They too endlessly gaze into space with pupil-less penetration, seeking

answers that will never come. It is more than that, though. I see all of myself

reflected in those soulless eyes. Heavy. Heartbroken. Forever holding the burden

of silence and misery - utterly powerless as everything is taken away atom by

atom, and unable to change any of it at it forces its way in and around.

I take in a shaky breath and attempt to squeeze the thoughts from my brain with

eyes pressed tightly. I am determined to be collected when I face you. I cannot

allow you to see my weakness. I have known the heaviness of heartbreak every

time I turn away from you – and I vow I will not permit you that same heated

wound. I only hope my training has been enough, for this promises to be the most

difficult battle of my chaotic existence. I am ready. At least, I hope I appear

to be. I must be. For you. 

***************************************************************************************

Under my weight, the door slowly pushes inward. Whether it is from the weight of

my body, or the weight of my soul, I don’t know. All I am aware of is the sudden

engulfment of stillness as I penetrate the thick silence of your room. It’s

strange – prior to this moment, the statuettes on the door were soulless and

mocked me. But compared to the chilled indolence around you, the carvings have

abandoned the frozen and inhuman indifference of the stone cousin they so

resemble to adopt a warm and inviting manner that invokes ease and comfort. The

abrupt shift in their nature amplifies the stillness of your room, making the

hopelessness appear more exaggerated. More horrifying. 

And you. Standing beyond the threshold of your room where I have come to find

you. You are… breaking.

A searing, jagged cry gurgles its way from the pit of my tattered being and

lodges itself in my clenched throat. It never had a chance to erupt from me, yet

despite this, I bring my fist to my mouth in an attempt to destroy it. I fear

sound is not needed for the scream to be vomited outward to pierce the air

around you, and I can only hope the silent thunder will echo within the caves of

my lungs and leave you unaware. My eyes are frozen on you, too cold to shed warm

tears. The frailness of your broken spirit reflected in the glass of the window

is unbearable - I swear I can feel you falling. No. You will not fall. I won’t

let you. Stand, Relena. Stand.

You stagger, and barely remain upright. Your struggle seems more augmented -

more futile and desperate, by the stillness around you. All is Motionless.

Frozen. Stone.  But you have not fallen. Perhaps by my will alone - but you have

not fallen. If you must, retreat to the bed for support, but do not allow

yourself defeat. You must win! Yes. You are a victim of the harsh, cold glass,

and the phantom stares back and scorns you. But you cannot allow it to triumph

over you. Stand, Relena! Stand! 

My wish must have found you and given you strength, because your fingers nail

themselves to the wood of the window pane, and your eyes defy the reflection in

the glass. It is then that you seem to find composure. You seem to recover

further as your fingers glaze over the ghost-like image of yourself. The tension

has yet to leave me, but I can do nothing to move towards you. I am forced to

remain where I stand and watch you numbly observe your likeness in the glass,

watch your fingertips rise to kiss the silk of your face. The touch calms you.

Maybe you have realized that indeed you are real, thus tangible and able to

break. Flailing within wind-shorn emotions, you must wonder if you are the image

of sorrow - or just the victim of it.

It must be confusing to witness one’s self when one isn’t sure what reality is. 

***************************************************************************************

As you regain yourself, I suck in a relieved breath through clenched teeth. And

your body stiffens. So. You know I am here. Why?! Why can I not find the

strength to move my feet from the floor? I wish to the point of pain to hold you

now. To soothe you and comfort you. To rock you gently as you drift to sleep, to

watch over your dreams and ensure they are peaceful…But I cannot. I have

forsaken the right to do such things so that I can battle the horrors that

plague you. I need these hands, Relena. I have to fight. I can’t hold you with

the very hands that are needed for fighting. For you. I have been through Hell

to protect you from it, for you, I will do so for the rest of my life. I will

not see you endure any more than I have just now seen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry! You

were never meant to feel pain. I have failed you, Relena. 

Relena….

You turn towards me, but your eyes do not meet mine. Why will you not look at

me? Do you fear that I will see into you? Is that why you hide in shadow? That

doesn’t matter. At this moment, I am doing all I can to hide from you as well. I

need to bring myself under control. To find the darkest pit of my blackened

being and place myself in its talons. I can’t allow you to see the inferno

raging inside. You can’t know how icy devastation rips into me and threatens to

shatter what’s left of my soul. 

You could always see past my masks, though.

I don’t fault myself for that weakness. Everything that remains human begs to

let you in. The part that feels wants you to know that had I a soul to break, it

would be yours… and I would gladly condemn myself into darkness for just one

moment in the light of your love. 

Thunder resonates the pounding rhythm of my heartbeat in my ears, and the echoes

quietly ricochet until they sluggishly fade into nonexistence. What is this? Why

does my body feel so weak?

And then your eyes sear through the blackness and find mine, granting strength

to my limbs. I can’t hide this. I can’t hide from you. I have never known fear.

But now, I am trembling. Is this fear? I don’t feel frightened. But.. I’m

terrified. Of you? I don’t think so. I..I just don’t know what to fight against

anymore. The salvation you offer me, or the promise to fight for a symbol the

soldier has forsaken long ago? A symbol that has come alive in you. I was never

meant to have that for myself, Relena. Don’t you know that? You KNOW me. You

know what I am, what I’ve done. So make me understand why you reach your hand

out to me? Do you not know that I cannot accept your forgiveness? I can’t afford

to be changed! 

Why? Why can’t I see you apart from the symbol? 

I try to look away, but I cannot. I feel you inside me, invading my mind. It is

as though I were the phantom in the glass, trying to discern reality from fable.

Am I real? Or am I the reflection? What do you see in me? Do you see the

longing? Or do you see the frozen hatred built upon horrors no one should ever

see? Do you see that I cannot afford regret?

You walk over to me. Perhaps you sense that my sanity is stretching. Have you

come to save me again? 

Relena…. 

I see the questions in your eyes. Don’t you know I can’t find the strength to

answer and not suffer for it? 

I collapse into myself, pleading with whatever holds me to release me. Let me

either submit to the inevitable, or find escape. I don’t know. Maybe both. But

don’t leave me a hollow husk of nothingness. There must be…something… that I can

have. Something that is not forbidden - a way for me to keep you despite what is

impossible. 

Please… please don’t look at me like that, Relena. I can’t. 

I can’t bear it.

And I… I can’t resist it, either.

Your haunted look thrusts through the boundary of my will, and the only reality

I have is the one that floats between your eyes and mine. I haven’t the courage

to cave in and be held by you.  I haven’t the strength to walk away. How could I

leave when I ache to touch you? How can I stay if I allow myself to caress you?

But – I must have a place I can allow to exist for you alone. My heart demands

it. And.. and I want it. I want so direly to give myself to you. But I don’t

have any power! If I were to allow myself to see the patient, unwavering love in

your eyes.. and the desire to drown within me until you find the answer to cure

my pain, I could never leave you. And I must if I am to protect you. Can’t you

see that I don’t want to leave you? I should have killed you. Then, the only war

I’d know would be the one I was meant to be a part of. The war in which I am the

God of Rage and Revenge and the Dionysus of Pain and Suffering. I cannot allow

you to see the misery I have caused. I will not let you see that I hate what I

am, and that pieces of my soul die with every life I take. I won’t let you see

that I long to give in to your touch and be freed from damnation, that with your

kisses, my soul would heal and be made whole. It would be so easy.. But.. I do

not deserve your love. I do not know why you have given me your heart. Yet every

time I look into your eyes, I thank whatever God may be for it. 

Relena..

You give me such hope! 

Others were meant to hope, Relena. Not me.

I can feel your heat on my skin. When did you get so close? I don’t care. All I

know is I want you. I want to be a part of you. I want to exist inside you and

live in the eternal moments you create with every breath of air you take in. I

want to hold you and keep you. I want to carry you within the love of one who

knows just how precious and rare love truly is. Relena! Why didn’t I take your

life when I had the chance? You could have lived on inside me – but no. That

wouldn’t be right. You, standing here now.. so vulnerable and… and gently

submissive, silently pleading me to abandon you, but begging me to stay and to

love you. This is how it should be. Damn love for breaking your heart regardless

of the action I take. Damn this heartless war for taking everything from me, and

Damn me. For everything I am and everything I’ve done. For hurting you and doing

nothing to stop it.

You look down, and I fear that I have allowed you to see too much. Before I know

it, I reach out to caress the strands of hair that have fallen, and barely

manage to hold myself still. You are upset, but not at any thoughts you may or

may not have discovered. I have hurt you. I am sorry. I made a promise, and I

broke it. Don’t you realize that I was never meant to return? Luxemburg was a

suicide mission. A last desperate effort to destroy any opposition or threat to

your beloved Kingdom. And to you. I wanted to prevent a situation like this

before it happened. Because I knew it would happen. And.. and I wanted it to. I

knew I wouldn’t have the strength to turn away from you again. I was a coward. I

couldn’t kill you, I couldn’t love you  – so I ran. I told myself my death would

free you. The Angel of Peace would be damned by the love of a Demon of

Destruction. At least – at least if I had died protecting you, my life would

have been worth something. And maybe I would have earned some of the love you

freely bathe me in. As it is, you have captured and ruined me for a soldier’s

perfection. I can’t kill you. I can’t even die for you for fear of hurting you.

And now, I can no longer deny you. But I will protect you. From your own heart

if I must.  Live for your people, Relena. Not for me. I will only destroy your

spirit.

You tremble, and I can’t help it. Nor do I wish to. My eyes hungrily take you in

with greedy attention, and burn your radiance into my memory. I drink in the

soft bend of your neck, the cascade of melted gold flowing over your back and

shielding your closed eyelids from perfect view, your soft auburn-burnt

eyelashes slick and curled with unshed tears, the slight tremble of your lower

lip.. You are so beautiful. You are the manifestation of loveliness, untouched

by malice or discord. You are pristine and delicate. Graceful and.. and you

smell so wonderful. I avert my eyes and swallow a lump in my throat. A low,

desperate groan is taken with it. It is all I can do to keep myself from shaking

visibly. God I love you.

But that doesn’t change that I must leave you tomorrow. I have come to make it

easier for you. Always thinking of me, you believe anger will lessen my pain.

I’ll let you believe that, if it will ease your own pain. So. I have come to

pick a fight and face your wrath. Make it quick, Relena. I can’t take much more

of this. I open my mouth, and for a moment, no sound escapes. So I breathe in,

anxious to prevent myself from tasting your scent - almost lose it when I fail,

but manage to try again. Slowly.

“I should have killed you.”

It came from my lips hushed and gently rasping, but at least it came. I hear a

sadness behind the words, and even my heart breaks at the sound. I know you hear

it, too, because I see you tense before you look into my eyes once again. Now,

Relena. Gather your strength. Take mine if you must. Belittle me, anger me,

insult me. Do whatever it takes if it makes you believe leaving will be easier

for me. That’s what you want. So do it. Do it now.

“Then you and Quatre would not have found asylum in my kingdom, would have you?

Certainly not from anywhere else considering the five of you are now rebels in

the eyes of every Earth and Colony faction. I’m sure my brother, Milliardo,

would welcome you - wherever he is. No. The Sanc Kingdom is the only place that

will have you, and the reason for that is based upon principle. If you want me

dead, at least wait until I have an heir. Then you can kill me. You can even

kill me twice. ”

I expected it, but I still feel the sting, and tears of acceptance burn the back

of my eyelids. I force them to remain open. If I close them now, the tears will

fall. I’m not hurt. Not really. I know you don’t mean what you say. And perhaps

in another life, maybe I would have been the one to give you an heir. In my

dreams, I will keep you and our children. They are just as beautiful as you. And

just as pure.

You turn away and retreat near the bed. I can’t – I WON’T take my eyes from you.

It has hurt you to say those words to me. You should be satisfied, Relena. You

believe you have saved me pain. That’s what you wanted… I wish I could make that

true for you. Just to make you feel you have done something good for me. That

would make you feel better, would it not? But it doesn’t, does it? I can see

that by the way you hold yourself rigidly, hoping that you have freed me by

caging yourself. No. I cannot – WILL not allow that. I will not permit you to

think that leaving you tomorrow can be made painless by any group of

insignificant words you say. I die tomorrow, Relena. If not in body, than in

spirit. 

Something inside me stretches and refuses to slacken as your mind retreats to a

hidden shelter within you. And then, I realize. You are trying to protect me.

Not only my feelings – but me. You don’t wish to distract me because you fear my

death would soon follow. Relena, the only way I can perish is if you are taken

from me. Don’t fear for me. Death is a consequence of life, and it comes for us

all. If you must fear something, fear death will find me before I have a chance

to live. Before I can love you freely. 

My chest constricts and I feel the strain of muscles pulling against bone. My

vision swims and I can no longer feel my own weight. No. That won’t happen. No!

I will live, Relena. I love you too much to succumb to anything else. I promise

you. I will survive.  

I stagger with the blow of realization as my body relaxes into my vow, and the

air is able to puncture my brain bringing clear thoughts once again. Strange. I

never feared my own death before. I suppose it didn’t matter because I didn’t

believe I had a soul. Now, faced with that which I believed I lacked, death

seems different. I never sought death as others may have assumed. I always

wanted to live. I still wish to live. But.. life seems so much more than the

success of a mission or the protection of the innocent now. Life has meaning

beyond victory. I can only hope enough of me will live through tomorrow to keep

the will behind my vow strong. Epyon will try everything it can to destroy it,

though. And to destroy me.

I stand where you’ve left me, baking in the embers of forbidden dreams, and look

at you. A tear finally finds its way down my cheek, and time stands still as it

falls endlessly to plunk silently on the floor. The ripples it causes forms a

shroud, and my mind is swallowed by blackness. Consciousness folds and churns in

a hazy limbo - and somewhere far away, I watch you violently clench your eyes

shut, feebly trying to press the memory of me out of your brain. Reality warps

yet again around my shaky existence, and a single thought comes to me. Tears.

Their only purpose is to die. But in their death, they take with them the pain

and suffering of the one who abandoned them to their fate. Is that why your body

cries for me while your tears stay hidden? I have become the tears you refuse to

shed. I have become your symbol. But I have promised you that I will not die.

Believe in me, Relena. What I say is true - it has been true the moment our eyes

met on the beach so long ago. And though I didn’t know it then, I thought to

protect you by pushing you away. Why should you suffer? Don’t you know that all

around me suffer the way I suffer? I suppose it’s too late. It’s obvious my

chance of walking away now is as great as my ability to carry out the threat of

putting a bullet into your brain. 

So why can I not move to hold you? Why do I still feel the pain? Why do I still

suffer?

Because you are trying to push me from your mind behind compressed eyelids. You

have already given up on me. You have let me go.

I feel my stomach twist, and taste bitterness as bile rises and flows into my

mouth. My hands become fists at my sides, nails digging into skin, and I can

feel my teeth tearing into the flesh of my lips. The breath rips from my lungs

with angry heat, and I can sense myself shaking fiercely. I don’t want you to

release me. Why would you wish such a thing? Open your eyes! See me! I don’t

want to hide from you any longer! Can’t you see me? Can’t you see my tears are

for you? Can’t you see that I will NOT let this happen any more? I will stand by

and be a victim of destiny No. Longer. Too much has already been taken from me.

Damn fate. And damn me for allowing this to continue as long as it has. It

happens now. Either I will condemn myself to Hell eternally, or I will find

salvation and tear my existence as it has been until this moment to pieces. But

it happens now. 

Resolved and determined, I walk over to you. My steps are slow and deliberate.

Solid. Even so, I am dazed. What the hell has happened to make me feel light

headed and weightless? Why the air has lodged itself in my chest, causing it to

abandon my starving limbs? I blink to clear my fogged mind. None of that matters

now. Everything screams that this is what it has all been for – the war, the

killing, the abandonment of my own humanity. THIS is why I became what I’ve

become. This is why I gave up peace - defended the defenseless so that they

could have what I was denied. This is why I could never regret what I have done.

This is why I walked away from all that was beautiful, killing myself slowly

with every whispered goodbye. This is why I stayed standing long enough to

protect one more time, even when I became too broken to understand why. This is

why I never killed you. This is why I can now afford to understand what you keep

trying to give me – without regret, and without hesitation.

This is why I am kissing you now.

Relena…

My arms wind themselves around you, and I find myself lifting you slightly

upwards so that I can drink from you. I can’t get enough of you. I want to taste

you, breathe you, take you inside me. I feel you mold to my form, becoming one

with the contours of my body. You are the ocean, and I am parched. I gulp you

desperately, taking with my thirst the turmoil of our tortured souls. Just let

me hold you close. Let me find freedom inside you. Without you, I will fall.

Without you, I would throw myself down.  My salvation. My Relena. 

My lips envelop yours in warm, fervent desperation. When did everything become

so clear? When did I leave the lonely, hollow blackness of limbo? When did

haziness lift to allow crisp awareness to worm its way into my brain? I don’t

care. Whatever has happened, my only wish is to remain shrouded in this bliss as

the slow fire flows through me and burns away all things not made of you. 

Time. Time wraps around us gently, slowing itself so that we can live within

it’s grasp for eternity. Oddly, I find that I can still focus on the things

swimming outside of us. It’s strange and magnificent.. I am aware of everything

so acutely.  The soft rain drops as they patter sweet melodies against the glass

of the window. The halo of moonlight as it bathes the room in soft iridescence,

bending reality in mischievous angles as the dust dances in peculiar patterns.

How confusion is held at bay from the gilded oak door I walked through,

sheltering us from the harsh reality of war with solid resolve. How the canopy

falls from the bed frame in soft, billowing curves – beckoning to us in a gentle

lull, inviting us to embrace while promising to veil the story of our love. The

way we float above the floor in quiet tranquility, the heated air of passion

keeping us aloft. The way our hearts pound, yet slowly synchronize to leap in

harmonious rhythm. The cold silkiness of your hair as each strand plays between

my fingertips. The light intake of air through your parted lips before I drown

in you once more - and how it causes my skin to prickle when it is let out

again, warm and exhilarating. How your eyelashes caress my cheeks in butterfly

kisses, sending electric shocks of chilled pleasure throughout my body. How your

arms cling to me, urging me to pull you in and take you in to me with the air.

The way your lips beg me to dip into yours again and again as though you were a

well. The searing intoxication of your smell, wrapping around me and inciting a

need for you that I have only known in my most fevered dreams. The way your body

moves beneath your clothes, and how they enhance the grace that follows you as

they cling to your perfection. The way I have come to exist as one with you in

this timeless reality.

My hands are finally able to obey the one desire that has ever been deeply

imbedded in me. I cannot help but to notice everything to the slightest detail…I

want this to be slow. I want this to last. If I never have the chance to love

you like this again, I want this to be enough. 

I will never have enough. 

Relena.

Your hair parts, and I caress the softness of your skin as I move my fingers,

freeing you from your dress. I feel the blood ooze from my senses and swell in

my heart as you take in a breath to gasp into my lips. I smile, and I savor the

sensation of goose pimples on your flesh. I tease you by taking your trembling

bottom lip between my teeth, and try to tame your shaking by holding you closer.

You open your eyes and look deeply into mine. I can see quiet pleading echoing

in the endless aquamarine that has sheltered my turbulent soul for so long. They

are begging for release and understanding, for completion. I feel no fear. There

is no war. No regret, no hesitation. Just you. And my love for you. You blink

once, and I know. 

You see me. Thank God, you finally see me.

I take my lips away, and my breath betrays me by shaking. I drink you in

hungrily, and guide the dress over your hips with careful attention, letting it

fall in a pool at your feet. It is as if your soul stands before me, exposed and

unrestrained. No more do I see the frail spirit of one made weak from heartache.

In the place of shattered dreams, I see strength. I see love. I see hope enough

for the whole world. 

I see me.

I reach out to caress your hair, and kiss the ends before replacing the strands

behind you. The feel of your skin beneath my fingers is enough to splinter my

sanity. I cup your jaw with my fingers, and motion you towards the bed with a

movement of my eyes. As contact is broken, prickling chills overtake me., but I

am only aware of the promise that you will soon warm me once more. I wait for

you to settle on the softness of the mattress, and pause for your eyes to find

me. I don’t know why – I can only say that weight disappears when your eyes are

on me, and I become free. And I soar. 

And so I have, and so I do. 

As I pull the clothes from my body,  I am overwhelmed with a sense of your

mirth. I can’t help but react to your glee, and I feel a grin tug at the corner

of my lips. Silent laughter and jovial love bubbles forth from my rib cage, and

I gaze in your direction waiting for explanation. It seems you are amused at how

I removed my shirt. So, I toss the shirt carelessly to the floor and quietly

pose for you momentarily in the moonlight. Your delight is replaced by a sharp

intake of breath, and I can feel more than see that your eyes have filled with

tears. My heart gently throbs, and I shift my weight to contain it. Am I so

beautiful to you? Is that possible? Yes. Yes it is - because you are seeing the

part of me that is you. The only beauty that I have is yours. 

Relena…

My gaze melts over your form as it follows the path of your curves. After they

have been fed, my eyes finally come to rest comfortably on the buttons of my

jeans. I watch as one by one, the spherical metal pieces part between my fingers

with exaggerated slowness. The thick of heat between us seems to assist me as I

pull the material slowly over my hips. I can feel you close your eyes to the

fever. Yes...I know it.. almost too much to bear, but desperate to thrive and

consume. I breathe in deeply and taste the air. Intoxicating. Volatile.

Obsessive.  

I feel more than hear the ragged breaths that tear at your lungs, begging for

freedom. I cradle you with my eyes, and watch over you as you lower your head to

your chest in the attempt to gain back control. Submission. I know it well.

Fighting this is futile, Relena. Love is agitated and restless, and will not

overlook even the slightest, most subtle resistance, or allow any escape once

its claws have punctured. But you know that. You aren’t fighting. You are laying

yourself down, and letting it all consume you. And I am coming to join you. At

last. 

I place my weight lightly on the bed, but you raise your head and look towards

me. Your breathing comes easier, and your eyelids begin to open slowly - as

though they are heavy and are resisting. Then, they are open and on me, and I

find myself dizzy and enchanted. You cry out softly, timidly, and soft tears

glide a gentle path down your cheek. I want so much to liberate them, keep them

safe from the death they suffer to take your pain. Instead, I burn your face,

radiant and pure, into my mind just as you appear now. No longer will you cry

for me, I will not allow you pain enough. No longer will you hide; I will not

allow you to protect me at the cost of your heart. No longer am I a symbol; I am

only a soldier and a man, one whom you love, simply. One who simply loves you,

Relena. The school girl whose heart and courage captured the whole world, whose

heart has captured me. Never have I been as safe as I am held within your love.

Never have I felt such strength and calm certainty. Relena. You have given me my

soul. And though it lives in me, I give it back to you. In your peace, I can

rest within you and know what I fight for is your gift to me. My soul. I have a

soul! When I die, it is you who will hold me, my soul, not my anger. You have

changed me. From this moment on, I will never be alone. You have brought me

redemption.  

My breath rises, chilled and anxious to my throat as I move over you to take

your lips in mine once again. I feel the subtle calm of gentleness radiate from

your body like an aura beneath me, and I yield myself to it as though you were

pulling me into you. You arch your back and I am allowed the freedom to caress

the hollow of your spine. My fingers search the nakedness of your stomach,

thrilled at the zealous chills that pebble your skin. I find my hand cup the

soft fabric of satin that covers the flesh of your breast, and I move it beneath

you to twist the clasp I find there, releasing the material. Your breath,

liberated from the tightness of your rib cage, kisses my cheek and ruffles my

hair. I put my lips against the curve of your neck and breathe in your scent.

Holding you to me, I move my right hand to the elastic lining of your panties,

and pull them off slowly with gentle caresses. I feel your hold on me relax, and

I stretch myself to allow you to explore the mountains and planes of my back

with the touch of your fingertips. I bury myself into the feel of you and

capture you in another kiss. I feel you shudder and gasp with the contact, and I

smile against your lips. You smile back, and my body heats and melts to conform

itself around you as you deepen the kiss.

I create a space between your legs with my hand, and our weight shifts as I move

to occupy that space. I change my mind and instead give you only half my mass,

and the rest lies pressed against your side on the bed. I take the hand that

rests between your thighs and explore the curls of auburn blond hair, and spread

the warm folds of flesh to find the inviting moistness below. I feel your

surprise, and raise my head to look at you. I will not permit myself further

without your consent. You seem more interested in my expression than alarmed

with my actions, so I allow your gaze to penetrate mine. In return, I pierce the

thick love of your eyes, and look for the emotion beyond – hot anticipation and

quaking desire that is only surpassed by a love and trust that fills my body

with a need to break it against me, recreate it as my own.  You seem to sense my

caution, though, and shyly smile before you reach up to capture my lips with

your own. I take this as permission, but still I am wary. So, I continue my

exploration of you slowly, afraid that my desire will be too much for you, will

drown you, destroy you in its flame. Instead, you reach down with a delicate

hand, take mine into your own, and guide my fingers into your depth. I don’t

know if you have tensed or I, but an electric pulse tears through me, and I

fight for control. Slowly, I recover, and push my fingers into you as gently as

I can. This time, I’m sure it is you who tremble, and you break the kiss to hiss

softly in my ear. You clutch to me as though I were your strength and not the

other way around, and your hiss evolves to a husky moan before you take the lobe

of my ear between your teeth. My vision blurs, and with a renewed hunger, I

delve into the hollow of your neck, stabbing you with heated kisses along your

collar bone and jaw. My fingers move within you with increasing speed, and as

you arch your back, I feel your muscles quiver in answer. The breath rips from

you lungs jaggedly, heating the air around you, but bathing me with cool relief.

!

As my hand moves against your wetness, the other explores the curves and valleys

of your fevered flesh, desperate to keep up with the need that threatens to

overtake me. 

What’s happening to me? Why do I feel like I’m drowning? You take my face in

your hands and tilt my head until our eyes meet. They are haunting me. I could

break under that gaze, and I will. Just hold me closer and I will.

Eyes on mine, I take my fingers from inside you, and shift my weight so that you

are now completely under me. You surprise me by reaching down and gently guiding

me to your warmth. I smile down at you and see you smile back meekly. Now. Now I

will fill you. At last I will fill you. I slide my eyes half way closed and feel

my body tense with the urge to unleash the fury, but I fight for control. I can

sense that you are not afraid, but you are anxious and your hold on me tightens.

I gently push into you, desperate not to lose myself too quickly. This is all of

you I can take with me. I want it to last. I hear a strangled cry gurgle in the

back of your throat, and your body tightens around mine in an attempt to adjust

for my invasion. I stroke your hair, trying to relax you, and wait for your

breathing to slow, your heart to calm. When you’ve done so, I brace myself once

again, take in a long breath, hold it, and push into as gently as I can. This

time, you knew what to expect, and have opened yourself to me. As I break passed

your boundary, a dull throb forms that is born from the folds of your skin where

I am, to the base of my spine, up and around my gut, and all the way to my

lungs. My head explodes in a blur of giddiness and drowns me in a world

saturated in white. I’ve forgotten how to breathe. I know longer need to. You’ve

become my air, my life. All I see, all I smell, all I taste is you. You are all

around me, you are all I feel. I hear your breath ripple about me, extending out

from me, completing me, roaring what life is meant to be inside veins that have

only known the pulse of cold blood until now. 

Relena.

As we move joined together in our new world of white, I bury my head against the

hollow of your neck. Here, I whisper the one word that is forever on my lips, in

my mind, tearing through my soul. Your name. You tighten around me and thrust

your hips down on me, suddenly desperate to have as much of me inside as

possible. I hear soft whimpers come from my open mouth and do nothing to stop

myself. You have liberated me, and it thrills me to tell you so. Your fingers

dig into my back – my skin burns with your touch. If I die in your arms, may my

ashes smolder at your feet for all time. Your tears will wash over me, banishing

the pain, and leaving only the fire filled coals of love.

Heat rushes through my veins now, and electric volts prick against my skin. I

feel my throat grow raw with the jagged groans that rip past my lips to graze

your ear. My hands grip your hips and lift your body to meet mine with every

thrust. Deeper. I need to be deeper inside. You try to arch your back, and out

added weight held only by your shoulder blades becomes too much despite your

legs wrapped around me and your nails trailing hot paths down my back. 

No. Not like this. I can’t give in yet. I want all of you, and I will have it.

I lower you back onto the bed slowly, and the sheets bunch underneath you, hot

and sweaty. I capture your gaze with my own, and will my movements to slow,

become more controlled. Your eyes hold mine captivated with clear and

unsheltered love, and the passion of a soul newly born. I can’t help but with to

touch that purity, and my fingers rise to caress your cheek, play with the

strands of your hair. Your eyes have filled with tears, and as they pave crystal

rivers down your cheek, I kiss them away and gently blow to dry the wetness and

cool your burning skin. When my lips have found your ear, I take a moment to

breathe in your scent before I whisper your name once again. 

Now. Now I can take all of you.

With new exaggerated slowness, I pull most of the way out of you and hesitate

briefly before plunging into you as far as I can. Again and again. Your back

arches fully to meet me, and as you close your eyes, I can feel the building

sensations of pulsating waves begin to crash over you. And your voice. Your

melodious voice fills the room in open, guttural cries. So beautiful… your head

thrown back, your hair cascading wildly over the pillow, your half open eyes

glazed and unseeing.. I try to heighten your passion by caressing you lightly

all over your body. You toss your head, and as your breasts lunge in the air, I

cover a swollen nipple with my mouth and tease it with my eager tongue. The

thumb of one hand funds a sensitive spot between your hip and thigh, and I press

into the flesh causing you to buck and raise yourself into my next thrust. My

mouth works its way from your throat to your haw, covering you with kisses

before I devour your lips with my own. I can feel your muscles tremble

forcefully, and your breaths are coming in short, gasping bursts. Your head

moves from side to side as though consciousness were coming and going, your

nails dig into my flesh, and you push yourself down my length. You draw in a

serrated breath and pause… and with a short, frenzied cry of release, your body

gives in to the flood. I tense as your form writhes beneath mine, but I can no

longer hold myself. My mind screams, and yet is frozen. My body buries itself

into yours. One more agonizing heave and another, and I…stop. Paralyzed deep

within you.. a searing breath tears its way out of my lungs, and I withdraw one

last time. As I drive into you, I give in completely to the maelstrom of

excruciating fire and searing white rawness that claws its way through me, fatal

and ruthless, exposing and violating all that it touches. I pull out and push

into you once more, than twice, and I feel the warmth of my life overflow and

spill into you. I never imagined love could be so merciless, so unbearable. I

never knew love would be s!

o complete, so full of rapture.

You hold me, kissing my neck, my shoulders, any exposed flesh you have the

energy to reach, and let the after shocks slowly fade. When they have, I stop

moving inside you, but I don’t leave you. Instead, I lie myself down atop you as

tenderly as I can, breathing heavily. I almost fall asleep listening to the

steady beat of your heart, but after a time, I raise my head to capture your

lips in one last kiss before releasing you to lie down once more. You seem

comfortable with all my weight on you, so I’m content with use just looking at

each other. I’ve never feel such exhaustion. I’ve never felt such simple and

complete peace.

When I roll off of you and on to my back, I cradle your head on my shoulder and

we sleep. For the first time in our lives, we finally sleep. All is as it should

be, all is at peace. 

*************************************************************************************

I awake to a hazy light lazily spreading outside the window, still to weak to be

called dawn. To most it would still be dark, to me, I have three hours – maybe

four before sunrise. I rise from the comfort of the covers, gentle so that I

will not wake you, and make my way over to the window, recovering my pants on

the way and hastily putting them on.  The room is still thick with the heat of

our bodies, and it tries to lull me back to your side and back into sleep.

Instead, I rest my forehead on the cool glass of the window, and as it’s too

dark to see my reflection, I look passed the glass to the splendor of the moon

bathing the Sanc with calm, mellow light. This. This is my mission. Not one

given to me, but one I’ve chosen. I will protect this place of peace. I will

protect you so that your message will have the chance it needs to reach those

who will listen. To those who won’t, I will find them. They are your enemies,

and so, they have become mine. Today, it begins. Today, I will face my enemy and

destroy or be destroyed.

Your form shifts on the bed, and I glance behind me to see if you still sleep.

You are blanketed in shadow, but your breathing is still and even. Yet…

You callout my name, hushed and pleading, as though you sense even in your

dreams that I have gone from your side. I feel myself flinch at the misery in

your voice, and I force myself to relax. I can’t afford to comfort you because

if I wake you, I don’t think I can find the strength to leave. I must leave. How

else am I to protect you? But then you call out for me again. Can’t I? Can’t I

touch you just once more? Protect your dreams? Softly, so softly you’ll only

feel it within the dream that frightens you.. I shouldn’t, but my heart demands

it. And though I long to see your eyes softly shining their love for me, I will

content myself with just a simple, slight caress. I find myself walk slowly,

quietly to where you lie and drink the site of you in.

I brush the hair from your face, imagining your eyes are open, and lean down to

kiss you on your forehead. I’m not surprised, not really – when instead of

kissing your forehead, I find that you have reached up to meet my lips with

yours. My chest expands with a surge of blood pumping through my heart too fast

for it to cope with. My soul.. is.. drowning. I can’t breathe! I can’t fight…

I’m being pulled under with the current, smothering under the force of your

desperation. Your need to love me enough in this one moment in case this is the

only chance you will ever have. And so I dive into you and accept the weight of

your soul. I cherish it. 

Relena.

It’s too much! Relena!

But.. but I want it. I want it all.

When we part, I feel that a part of my sanity has splintered away from me and

shattered in the darkness. Part of me keeps fighting the inevitable, but weakens

as submission forces its way over me. My heart’s hammering slows as it’s rage is

replaced with devastation. This can’t be. I knew what was at stake! I’m stronger

than pain! So why do I feel so far away from reality? Why do I feel like I’ve

fallen passed the recesses of hell to land on an expanse of flat, lifeless sea

of arctic ice? Barren and unreal, yet demanding my sense of truth and certainty

in its unyielding vastness..

My soul. My soul is going to snap. And.. and I can do nothing to stop it. 

I’m.. too.. weak… Relena.

Help.

And instead of throwing your arms around me, trying to comfort me with an

embrace that will just be taken away again, you smile. Your beautiful smile. A

smile that shows me strength and understanding. I don’t see tears mocking my

weakness, laughing that I was powerless and frail. I see hope, love. I see that

you believe in me. You believe in me.

By breath comes back to me harshly through clenched teeth, and my lids thaw

enough so that I can blink a tear from each eye. But my tears are not needed.

You believe in me. I will survive, and I will come back to you.

My vision clears, and I look into your troubled eyes. I see your question

burning inside. You want me to stay, but will not ask. If you did, it would

crush me to refuse you. But this is the only way. Our enemies are coming,

Relena. I have to destroy them. I need to destroy them all.

You blink, and your pupils dilate. Have you found something safe to say? Some

last bit of comfort I can take with me before I go? You answer my question by

taking a breath and opening your mouth. Although I long to hear those words…

“…”

I put my fingers to your lips and find a grin tugging at the corner of my own.

“Sssssshhhhhh….”

I know how you feel. I feel it, too. I also know that now is not the time. If it

were said, leaving would be impossible to bear. I can’t afford to be distracted

or my vow to survive could be compromised. We are strong. We will make it

through this war and find each other. Now, out silence binds us to that pact.

When the war is over, when you are safe, I will come back. I will have the

freedom to hold you until after sunrise, and you can cradle me and whisper love

to me all you wish. Quatre knows. It was his idea to come here. Maybe he knew

all along. That’s why he allowed me no excuse until I agreed to say goodbye to

you. Maybe he knew this would happen. Maybe it needed to happen. He knew I

needed it, probably more than you did. The others likely know as well. Maybe

they will find strength from you as I have. You have given them a reason to

fight, something to protect and live for when this chaos is done. Peace is an

ideal, but they believe in you as I do. They will keep our secret and give their

lives to protect it. To protect you. You are our light. You are our freedom.

*************************************************************************************

I watch you fall asleep and cradle you until sleep overtakes you. This time, I

make sure not to wake you, but as I’m leaving, something overwhelms me and I

stop. I turn back towards you, buttoning the last few catches of my shirt. You

wanted to give me something to take with me. I’ll take your heart, then. I reach

behind your hair to gently unclasp the locket that rests between your breasts.

You often finger it to bring strength, though you probably don’t realize it.

Now, I’ll wear it next to my own heart. It will remind me of what we discovered

wrapped in each other’s arms, of your love reverberating from your eyes to wash

over me, of you. We may be apart, but we can never be alone. I have locked you

within the walls of my heart and mind, and you have me inside you as well. With

a wistful smile, I put the locket over my head and let it fall to its place

under my shirt. It’s time to go. With one last lingering look at you, I kiss my

fingertips, touch them to your lips, and turn towards the oak door that cradled

my turbulent thoughts a millennia ago. 

*************************************************************************************

The zero system. I couldn’t fight it any longer. After the peace I felt being

with you, I didn’t want the fury sizzling through my veins, taking away my

humanity, my soul. Taking away the part of me that’s you. I  almost made it.

Almost. But Epyon knew… it knew precisely what to show me to win me back. I’ve

never before tasted true and absolute fear. Fear… twisting crooked and gnarled

paths of blood and horror up my spine, digging into the soft flesh of my guts

and freezing my breath inside me. And.. and rage. Utter rage that tears the skin

back in massive chunks to reveal the clotted disease of puss and infection that

war brings. Rage that demands a price be exacted in spattering blood and

splintering bone. Hurling pain. Crushing life. Rage that still has unbreakable

hold on me.. so much so that you have been forced to retreat to the darkest

parts of my mind, too pure to be corrupted by this plague of wrath and

destruction. 

Relena. Forgive me. I can’t allow the Sanc to be destroyed. Can’t you see? I

CAN’T allow you to die! I won’t fight it any more. I MUST protect you… you and..

and my son. I must…

I must find my enemy. 

My Relena

By wsprs*nda*drk

I can feel the weight of the gilded door solidly against the bone of my

forehead. The wood stands unyielding, giving a feeling of stable security, and

mahogany tinted finish shines dully in candle-lit patterns, creating a sense of

quiet serenity. The oak calmly supports my resting brow, if not the thoughts

contained within.

Why? Why is this so difficult? Why can I not just… enter? Is it because I am

wary of what I will find on the other side of this barrier? Or..

..Is it because I know this is goodbye?

My eyes focus dimly on the decorative scene in front of me. I lift my hand as if

drawn to do so, and spread my fingers to touch the beauty of the wood. The

carvings are sophisticated, and dust has collected in the grooves in thin

speckled layers. The effect makes the door seem regal and imposing, but quiet -

and yielding - in a way which seems to invoke sorrow. I run the flesh of my

fingertips over the shapes and miniature statues, and try to make sense of the

ache that throbs inside my rib cage robbing me of breath. It seems so much a

part of me now - like it has lived there all my life, and it stirs within me at

my acknowledgement. It spreads beyond my lungs and all throughout me until I can

feel nothing else, and it slowly eases my body into its comfortable embrace. 

It’s strange how serene one becomes just as one is faced with destruction. 

My vision blurs, and I blink to clear it. The figures mock me with their

mimicry. They too endlessly gaze into space with pupil-less penetration, seeking

answers that will never come. It is more than that, though. I see all of myself

reflected in those soulless eyes. Heavy. Heartbroken. Forever holding the burden

of silence and misery - utterly powerless as everything is taken away atom by

atom, and unable to change any of it at it forces its way in and around.

I take in a shaky breath and attempt to squeeze the thoughts from my brain with

eyes pressed tightly. I am determined to be collected when I face you. I cannot

allow you to see my weakness. I have known the heaviness of heartbreak every

time I turn away from you – and I vow I will not permit you that same heated

wound. I only hope my training has been enough, for this promises to be the most

difficult battle of my chaotic existence. I am ready. At least, I hope I appear

to be. I must be. For you. 

***************************************************************************************

Under my weight, the door slowly pushes inward. Whether it is from the weight of

my body, or the weight of my soul, I don’t know. All I am aware of is the sudden

engulfment of stillness as I penetrate the thick silence of your room. It’s

strange – prior to this moment, the statuettes on the door were soulless and

mocked me. But compared to the chilled indolence around you, the carvings have

abandoned the frozen and inhuman indifference of the stone cousin they so

resemble to adopt a warm and inviting manner that invokes ease and comfort. The

abrupt shift in their nature amplifies the stillness of your room, making the

hopelessness appear more exaggerated. More horrifying. 

And you. Standing beyond the threshold of your room where I have come to find

you. You are… breaking.

A searing, jagged cry gurgles its way from the pit of my tattered being and

lodges itself in my clenched throat. It never had a chance to erupt from me, yet

despite this, I bring my fist to my mouth in an attempt to destroy it. I fear

sound is not needed for the scream to be vomited outward to pierce the air

around you, and I can only hope the silent thunder will echo within the caves of

my lungs and leave you unaware. My eyes are frozen on you, too cold to shed warm

tears. The frailness of your broken spirit reflected in the glass of the window

is unbearable - I swear I can feel you falling. No. You will not fall. I won’t

let you. Stand, Relena. Stand.

You stagger, and barely remain upright. Your struggle seems more augmented -

more futile and desperate, by the stillness around you. All is Motionless.

Frozen. Stone.  But you have not fallen. Perhaps by my will alone - but you have

not fallen. If you must, retreat to the bed for support, but do not allow

yourself defeat. You must win! Yes. You are a victim of the harsh, cold glass,

and the phantom stares back and scorns you. But you cannot allow it to triumph

over you. Stand, Relena! Stand! 

My wish must have found you and given you strength, because your fingers nail

themselves to the wood of the window pane, and your eyes defy the reflection in

the glass. It is then that you seem to find composure. You seem to recover

further as your fingers glaze over the ghost-like image of yourself. The tension

has yet to leave me, but I can do nothing to move towards you. I am forced to

remain where I stand and watch you numbly observe your likeness in the glass,

watch your fingertips rise to kiss the silk of your face. The touch calms you.

Maybe you have realized that indeed you are real, thus tangible and able to

break. Flailing within wind-shorn emotions, you must wonder if you are the image

of sorrow - or just the victim of it.

It must be confusing to witness one’s self when one isn’t sure what reality is. 

***************************************************************************************

As you regain yourself, I suck in a relieved breath through clenched teeth. And

your body stiffens. So. You know I am here. Why?! Why can I not find the

strength to move my feet from the floor? I wish to the point of pain to hold you

now. To soothe you and comfort you. To rock you gently as you drift to sleep, to

watch over your dreams and ensure they are peaceful…But I cannot. I have

forsaken the right to do such things so that I can battle the horrors that

plague you. I need these hands, Relena. I have to fight. I can’t hold you with

the very hands that are needed for fighting. For you. I have been through Hell

to protect you from it, for you, I will do so for the rest of my life. I will

not see you endure any more than I have just now seen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry! You

were never meant to feel pain. I have failed you, Relena. 

Relena….

You turn towards me, but your eyes do not meet mine. Why will you not look at

me? Do you fear that I will see into you? Is that why you hide in shadow? That

doesn’t matter. At this moment, I am doing all I can to hide from you as well. I

need to bring myself under control. To find the darkest pit of my blackened

being and place myself in its talons. I can’t allow you to see the inferno

raging inside. You can’t know how icy devastation rips into me and threatens to

shatter what’s left of my soul. 

You could always see past my masks, though.

I don’t fault myself for that weakness. Everything that remains human begs to

let you in. The part that feels wants you to know that had I a soul to break, it

would be yours… and I would gladly condemn myself into darkness for just one

moment in the light of your love. 

Thunder resonates the pounding rhythm of my heartbeat in my ears, and the echoes

quietly ricochet until they sluggishly fade into nonexistence. What is this? Why

does my body feel so weak?

And then your eyes sear through the blackness and find mine, granting strength

to my limbs. I can’t hide this. I can’t hide from you. I have never known fear.

But now, I am trembling. Is this fear? I don’t feel frightened. But.. I’m

terrified. Of you? I don’t think so. I..I just don’t know what to fight against

anymore. The salvation you offer me, or the promise to fight for a symbol the

soldier has forsaken long ago? A symbol that has come alive in you. I was never

meant to have that for myself, Relena. Don’t you know that? You KNOW me. You

know what I am, what I’ve done. So make me understand why you reach your hand

out to me? Do you not know that I cannot accept your forgiveness? I can’t afford

to be changed! 

Why? Why can’t I see you apart from the symbol? 

I try to look away, but I cannot. I feel you inside me, invading my mind. It is

as though I were the phantom in the glass, trying to discern reality from fable.

Am I real? Or am I the reflection? What do you see in me? Do you see the

longing? Or do you see the frozen hatred built upon horrors no one should ever

see? Do you see that I cannot afford regret?

You walk over to me. Perhaps you sense that my sanity is stretching. Have you

come to save me again? 

Relena…. 

I see the questions in your eyes. Don’t you know I can’t find the strength to

answer and not suffer for it? 

I collapse into myself, pleading with whatever holds me to release me. Let me

either submit to the inevitable, or find escape. I don’t know. Maybe both. But

don’t leave me a hollow husk of nothingness. There must be…something… that I can

have. Something that is not forbidden - a way for me to keep you despite what is

impossible. 

Please… please don’t look at me like that, Relena. I can’t. 

I can’t bear it.

And I… I can’t resist it, either.

Your haunted look thrusts through the boundary of my will, and the only reality

I have is the one that floats between your eyes and mine. I haven’t the courage

to cave in and be held by you.  I haven’t the strength to walk away. How could I

leave when I ache to touch you? How can I stay if I allow myself to caress you?

But – I must have a place I can allow to exist for you alone. My heart demands

it. And.. and I want it. I want so direly to give myself to you. But I don’t

have any power! If I were to allow myself to see the patient, unwavering love in

your eyes.. and the desire to drown within me until you find the answer to cure

my pain, I could never leave you. And I must if I am to protect you. Can’t you

see that I don’t want to leave you? I should have killed you. Then, the only war

I’d know would be the one I was meant to be a part of. The war in which I am the

God of Rage and Revenge and the Dionysus of Pain and Suffering. I cannot allow

you to see the misery I have caused. I will not let you see that I hate what I

am, and that pieces of my soul die with every life I take. I won’t let you see

that I long to give in to your touch and be freed from damnation, that with your

kisses, my soul would heal and be made whole. It would be so easy.. But.. I do

not deserve your love. I do not know why you have given me your heart. Yet every

time I look into your eyes, I thank whatever God may be for it. 

Relena..

You give me such hope! 

Others were meant to hope, Relena. Not me.

I can feel your heat on my skin. When did you get so close? I don’t care. All I

know is I want you. I want to be a part of you. I want to exist inside you and

live in the eternal moments you create with every breath of air you take in. I

want to hold you and keep you. I want to carry you within the love of one who

knows just how precious and rare love truly is. Relena! Why didn’t I take your

life when I had the chance? You could have lived on inside me – but no. That

wouldn’t be right. You, standing here now.. so vulnerable and… and gently

submissive, silently pleading me to abandon you, but begging me to stay and to

love you. This is how it should be. Damn love for breaking your heart regardless

of the action I take. Damn this heartless war for taking everything from me, and

Damn me. For everything I am and everything I’ve done. For hurting you and doing

nothing to stop it.

You look down, and I fear that I have allowed you to see too much. Before I know

it, I reach out to caress the strands of hair that have fallen, and barely

manage to hold myself still. You are upset, but not at any thoughts you may or

may not have discovered. I have hurt you. I am sorry. I made a promise, and I

broke it. Don’t you realize that I was never meant to return? Luxemburg was a

suicide mission. A last desperate effort to destroy any opposition or threat to

your beloved Kingdom. And to you. I wanted to prevent a situation like this

before it happened. Because I knew it would happen. And.. and I wanted it to. I

knew I wouldn’t have the strength to turn away from you again. I was a coward. I

couldn’t kill you, I couldn’t love you  – so I ran. I told myself my death would

free you. The Angel of Peace would be damned by the love of a Demon of

Destruction. At least – at least if I had died protecting you, my life would

have been worth something. And maybe I would have earned some of the love you

freely bathe me in. As it is, you have captured and ruined me for a soldier’s

perfection. I can’t kill you. I can’t even die for you for fear of hurting you.

And now, I can no longer deny you. But I will protect you. From your own heart

if I must.  Live for your people, Relena. Not for me. I will only destroy your

spirit.

You tremble, and I can’t help it. Nor do I wish to. My eyes hungrily take you in

with greedy attention, and burn your radiance into my memory. I drink in the

soft bend of your neck, the cascade of melted gold flowing over your back and

shielding your closed eyelids from perfect view, your soft auburn-burnt

eyelashes slick and curled with unshed tears, the slight tremble of your lower

lip.. You are so beautiful. You are the manifestation of loveliness, untouched

by malice or discord. You are pristine and delicate. Graceful and.. and you

smell so wonderful. I avert my eyes and swallow a lump in my throat. A low,

desperate groan is taken with it. It is all I can do to keep myself from shaking

visibly. God I love you.

But that doesn’t change that I must leave you tomorrow. I have come to make it

easier for you. Always thinking of me, you believe anger will lessen my pain.

I’ll let you believe that, if it will ease your own pain. So. I have come to

pick a fight and face your wrath. Make it quick, Relena. I can’t take much more

of this. I open my mouth, and for a moment, no sound escapes. So I breathe in,

anxious to prevent myself from tasting your scent - almost lose it when I fail,

but manage to try again. Slowly.

“I should have killed you.”

It came from my lips hushed and gently rasping, but at least it came. I hear a

sadness behind the words, and even my heart breaks at the sound. I know you hear

it, too, because I see you tense before you look into my eyes once again. Now,

Relena. Gather your strength. Take mine if you must. Belittle me, anger me,

insult me. Do whatever it takes if it makes you believe leaving will be easier

for me. That’s what you want. So do it. Do it now.

“Then you and Quatre would not have found asylum in my kingdom, would have you?

Certainly not from anywhere else considering the five of you are now rebels in

the eyes of every Earth and Colony faction. I’m sure my brother, Milliardo,

would welcome you - wherever he is. No. The Sanc Kingdom is the only place that

will have you, and the reason for that is based upon principle. If you want me

dead, at least wait until I have an heir. Then you can kill me. You can even

kill me twice. ”

I expected it, but I still feel the sting, and tears of acceptance burn the back

of my eyelids. I force them to remain open. If I close them now, the tears will

fall. I’m not hurt. Not really. I know you don’t mean what you say. And perhaps

in another life, maybe I would have been the one to give you an heir. In my

dreams, I will keep you and our children. They are just as beautiful as you. And

just as pure.

You turn away and retreat near the bed. I can’t – I WON’T take my eyes from you.

It has hurt you to say those words to me. You should be satisfied, Relena. You

believe you have saved me pain. That’s what you wanted… I wish I could make that

true for you. Just to make you feel you have done something good for me. That

would make you feel better, would it not? But it doesn’t, does it? I can see

that by the way you hold yourself rigidly, hoping that you have freed me by

caging yourself. No. I cannot – WILL not allow that. I will not permit you to

think that leaving you tomorrow can be made painless by any group of

insignificant words you say. I die tomorrow, Relena. If not in body, than in

spirit. 

Something inside me stretches and refuses to slacken as your mind retreats to a

hidden shelter within you. And then, I realize. You are trying to protect me.

Not only my feelings – but me. You don’t wish to distract me because you fear my

death would soon follow. Relena, the only way I can perish is if you are taken

from me. Don’t fear for me. Death is a consequence of life, and it comes for us

all. If you must fear something, fear death will find me before I have a chance

to live. Before I can love you freely. 

My chest constricts and I feel the strain of muscles pulling against bone. My

vision swims and I can no longer feel my own weight. No. That won’t happen. No!

I will live, Relena. I love you too much to succumb to anything else. I promise

you. I will survive.  

I stagger with the blow of realization as my body relaxes into my vow, and the

air is able to puncture my brain bringing clear thoughts once again. Strange. I

never feared my own death before. I suppose it didn’t matter because I didn’t

believe I had a soul. Now, faced with that which I believed I lacked, death

seems different. I never sought death as others may have assumed. I always

wanted to live. I still wish to live. But.. life seems so much more than the

success of a mission or the protection of the innocent now. Life has meaning

beyond victory. I can only hope enough of me will live through tomorrow to keep

the will behind my vow strong. Epyon will try everything it can to destroy it,

though. And to destroy me.

I stand where you’ve left me, baking in the embers of forbidden dreams, and look

at you. A tear finally finds its way down my cheek, and time stands still as it

falls endlessly to plunk silently on the floor. The ripples it causes forms a

shroud, and my mind is swallowed by blackness. Consciousness folds and churns in

a hazy limbo - and somewhere far away, I watch you violently clench your eyes

shut, feebly trying to press the memory of me out of your brain. Reality warps

yet again around my shaky existence, and a single thought comes to me. Tears.

Their only purpose is to die. But in their death, they take with them the pain

and suffering of the one who abandoned them to their fate. Is that why your body

cries for me while your tears stay hidden? I have become the tears you refuse to

shed. I have become your symbol. But I have promised you that I will not die.

Believe in me, Relena. What I say is true - it has been true the moment our eyes

met on the beach so long ago. And though I didn’t know it then, I thought to

protect you by pushing you away. Why should you suffer? Don’t you know that all

around me suffer the way I suffer? I suppose it’s too late. It’s obvious my

chance of walking away now is as great as my ability to carry out the threat of

putting a bullet into your brain. 

So why can I not move to hold you? Why do I still feel the pain? Why do I still

suffer?

Because you are trying to push me from your mind behind compressed eyelids. You

have already given up on me. You have let me go.

I feel my stomach twist, and taste bitterness as bile rises and flows into my

mouth. My hands become fists at my sides, nails digging into skin, and I can

feel my teeth tearing into the flesh of my lips. The breath rips from my lungs

with angry heat, and I can sense myself shaking fiercely. I don’t want you to

release me. Why would you wish such a thing? Open your eyes! See me! I don’t

want to hide from you any longer! Can’t you see me? Can’t you see my tears are

for you? Can’t you see that I will NOT let this happen any more? I will stand by

and be a victim of destiny No. Longer. Too much has already been taken from me.

Damn fate. And damn me for allowing this to continue as long as it has. It

happens now. Either I will condemn myself to Hell eternally, or I will find

salvation and tear my existence as it has been until this moment to pieces. But

it happens now. 

Resolved and determined, I walk over to you. My steps are slow and deliberate.

Solid. Even so, I am dazed. What the hell has happened to make me feel light

headed and weightless? Why the air has lodged itself in my chest, causing it to

abandon my starving limbs? I blink to clear my fogged mind. None of that matters

now. Everything screams that this is what it has all been for – the war, the

killing, the abandonment of my own humanity. THIS is why I became what I’ve

become. This is why I gave up peace - defended the defenseless so that they

could have what I was denied. This is why I could never regret what I have done.

This is why I walked away from all that was beautiful, killing myself slowly

with every whispered goodbye. This is why I stayed standing long enough to

protect one more time, even when I became too broken to understand why. This is

why I never killed you. This is why I can now afford to understand what you keep

trying to give me – without regret, and without hesitation.

This is why I am kissing you now.

Relena…

My arms wind themselves around you, and I find myself lifting you slightly

upwards so that I can drink from you. I can’t get enough of you. I want to taste

you, breathe you, take you inside me. I feel you mold to my form, becoming one

with the contours of my body. You are the ocean, and I am parched. I gulp you

desperately, taking with my thirst the turmoil of our tortured souls. Just let

me hold you close. Let me find freedom inside you. Without you, I will fall.

Without you, I would throw myself down.  My salvation. My Relena. 

My lips envelop yours in warm, fervent desperation. When did everything become

so clear? When did I leave the lonely, hollow blackness of limbo? When did

haziness lift to allow crisp awareness to worm its way into my brain? I don’t

care. Whatever has happened, my only wish is to remain shrouded in this bliss as

the slow fire flows through me and burns away all things not made of you. 

Time. Time wraps around us gently, slowing itself so that we can live within

it’s grasp for eternity. Oddly, I find that I can still focus on the things

swimming outside of us. It’s strange and magnificent.. I am aware of everything

so acutely.  The soft rain drops as they patter sweet melodies against the glass

of the window. The halo of moonlight as it bathes the room in soft iridescence,

bending reality in mischievous angles as the dust dances in peculiar patterns.

How confusion is held at bay from the gilded oak door I walked through,

sheltering us from the harsh reality of war with solid resolve. How the canopy

falls from the bed frame in soft, billowing curves – beckoning to us in a gentle

lull, inviting us to embrace while promising to veil the story of our love. The

way we float above the floor in quiet tranquility, the heated air of passion

keeping us aloft. The way our hearts pound, yet slowly synchronize to leap in

harmonious rhythm. The cold silkiness of your hair as each strand plays between

my fingertips. The light intake of air through your parted lips before I drown

in you once more - and how it causes my skin to prickle when it is let out

again, warm and exhilarating. How your eyelashes caress my cheeks in butterfly

kisses, sending electric shocks of chilled pleasure throughout my body. How your

arms cling to me, urging me to pull you in and take you in to me with the air.

The way your lips beg me to dip into yours again and again as though you were a

well. The searing intoxication of your smell, wrapping around me and inciting a

need for you that I have only known in my most fevered dreams. The way your body

moves beneath your clothes, and how they enhance the grace that follows you as

they cling to your perfection. The way I have come to exist as one with you in

this timeless reality.

My hands are finally able to obey the one desire that has ever been deeply

imbedded in me. I cannot help but to notice everything to the slightest detail…I

want this to be slow. I want this to last. If I never have the chance to love

you like this again, I want this to be enough. 

I will never have enough. 

Relena.

Your hair parts, and I caress the softness of your skin as I move my fingers,

freeing you from your dress. I feel the blood ooze from my senses and swell in

my heart as you take in a breath to gasp into my lips. I smile, and I savor the

sensation of goose pimples on your flesh. I tease you by taking your trembling

bottom lip between my teeth, and try to tame your shaking by holding you closer.

You open your eyes and look deeply into mine. I can see quiet pleading echoing

in the endless aquamarine that has sheltered my turbulent soul for so long. They

are begging for release and understanding, for completion. I feel no fear. There

is no war. No regret, no hesitation. Just you. And my love for you. You blink

once, and I know. 

You see me. Thank God, you finally see me.

I take my lips away, and my breath betrays me by shaking. I drink you in

hungrily, and guide the dress over your hips with careful attention, letting it

fall in a pool at your feet. It is as if your soul stands before me, exposed and

unrestrained. No more do I see the frail spirit of one made weak from heartache.

In the place of shattered dreams, I see strength. I see love. I see hope enough

for the whole world. 

I see me.

I reach out to caress your hair, and kiss the ends before replacing the strands

behind you. The feel of your skin beneath my fingers is enough to splinter my

sanity. I cup your jaw with my fingers, and motion you towards the bed with a

movement of my eyes. As contact is broken, prickling chills overtake me., but I

am only aware of the promise that you will soon warm me once more. I wait for

you to settle on the softness of the mattress, and pause for your eyes to find

me. I don’t know why – I can only say that weight disappears when your eyes are

on me, and I become free. And I soar. 

And so I have, and so I do. 

As I pull the clothes from my body,  I am overwhelmed with a sense of your

mirth. I can’t help but react to your glee, and I feel a grin tug at the corner

of my lips. Silent laughter and jovial love bubbles forth from my rib cage, and

I gaze in your direction waiting for explanation. It seems you are amused at how

I removed my shirt. So, I toss the shirt carelessly to the floor and quietly

pose for you momentarily in the moonlight. Your delight is replaced by a sharp

intake of breath, and I can feel more than see that your eyes have filled with

tears. My heart gently throbs, and I shift my weight to contain it. Am I so

beautiful to you? Is that possible? Yes. Yes it is - because you are seeing the

part of me that is you. The only beauty that I have is yours. 

Relena…

My gaze melts over your form as it follows the path of your curves. After they

have been fed, my eyes finally come to rest comfortably on the buttons of my

jeans. I watch as one by one, the spherical metal pieces part between my fingers

with exaggerated slowness. The thick of heat between us seems to assist me as I

pull the material slowly over my hips. I can feel you close your eyes to the

fever. Yes...I know it.. almost too much to bear, but desperate to thrive and

consume. I breathe in deeply and taste the air. Intoxicating. Volatile.

Obsessive.  

I feel more than hear the ragged breaths that tear at your lungs, begging for

freedom. I cradle you with my eyes, and watch over you as you lower your head to

your chest in the attempt to gain back control. Submission. I know it well.

Fighting this is futile, Relena. Love is agitated and restless, and will not

overlook even the slightest, most subtle resistance, or allow any escape once

its claws have punctured. But you know that. You aren’t fighting. You are laying

yourself down, and letting it all consume you. And I am coming to join you. At

last. 

I place my weight lightly on the bed, but you raise your head and look towards

me. Your breathing comes easier, and your eyelids begin to open slowly - as

though they are heavy and are resisting. Then, they are open and on me, and I

find myself dizzy and enchanted. You cry out softly, timidly, and soft tears

glide a gentle path down your cheek. I want so much to liberate them, keep them

safe from the death they suffer to take your pain. Instead, I burn your face,

radiant and pure, into my mind just as you appear now. No longer will you cry

for me, I will not allow you pain enough. No longer will you hide; I will not

allow you to protect me at the cost of your heart. No longer am I a symbol; I am

only a soldier and a man, one whom you love, simply. One who simply loves you,

Relena. The school girl whose heart and courage captured the whole world, whose

heart has captured me. Never have I been as safe as I am held within your love.

Never have I felt such strength and calm certainty. Relena. You have given me my

soul. And though it lives in me, I give it back to you. In your peace, I can

rest within you and know what I fight for is your gift to me. My soul. I have a

soul! When I die, it is you who will hold me, my soul, not my anger. You have

changed me. From this moment on, I will never be alone. You have brought me

redemption.  

My breath rises, chilled and anxious to my throat as I move over you to take

your lips in mine once again. I feel the subtle calm of gentleness radiate from

your body like an aura beneath me, and I yield myself to it as though you were

pulling me into you. You arch your back and I am allowed the freedom to caress

the hollow of your spine. My fingers search the nakedness of your stomach,

thrilled at the zealous chills that pebble your skin. I find my hand cup the

soft fabric of satin that covers the flesh of your breast, and I move it beneath

you to twist the clasp I find there, releasing the material. Your breath,

liberated from the tightness of your rib cage, kisses my cheek and ruffles my

hair. I put my lips against the curve of your neck and breathe in your scent.

Holding you to me, I move my right hand to the elastic lining of your panties,

and pull them off slowly with gentle caresses. I feel your hold on me relax, and

I stretch myself to allow you to explore the mountains and planes of my back

with the touch of your fingertips. I bury myself into the feel of you and

capture you in another kiss. I feel you shudder and gasp with the contact, and I

smile against your lips. You smile back, and my body heats and melts to conform

itself around you as you deepen the kiss.

I create a space between your legs with my hand, and our weight shifts as I move

to occupy that space. I change my mind and instead give you only half my mass,

and the rest lies pressed against your side on the bed. I take the hand that

rests between your thighs and explore the curls of auburn blond hair, and spread

the warm folds of flesh to find the inviting moistness below. I feel your

surprise, and raise my head to look at you. I will not permit myself further

without your consent. You seem more interested in my expression than alarmed

with my actions, so I allow your gaze to penetrate mine. In return, I pierce the

thick love of your eyes, and look for the emotion beyond – hot anticipation and

quaking desire that is only surpassed by a love and trust that fills my body

with a need to break it against me, recreate it as my own.  You seem to sense my

caution, though, and shyly smile before you reach up to capture my lips with

your own. I take this as permission, but still I am wary. So, I continue my

exploration of you slowly, afraid that my desire will be too much for you, will

drown you, destroy you in its flame. Instead, you reach down with a delicate

hand, take mine into your own, and guide my fingers into your depth. I don’t

know if you have tensed or I, but an electric pulse tears through me, and I

fight for control. Slowly, I recover, and push my fingers into you as gently as

I can. This time, I’m sure it is you who tremble, and you break the kiss to hiss

softly in my ear. You clutch to me as though I were your strength and not the

other way around, and your hiss evolves to a husky moan before you take the lobe

of my ear between your teeth. My vision blurs, and with a renewed hunger, I

delve into the hollow of your neck, stabbing you with heated kisses along your

collar bone and jaw. My fingers move within you with increasing speed, and as

you arch your back, I feel your muscles quiver in answer. The breath rips from

you lungs jaggedly, heating the air around you, but bathing me with cool relief.

!

As my hand moves against your wetness, the other explores the curves and valleys

of your fevered flesh, desperate to keep up with the need that threatens to

overtake me. 

What’s happening to me? Why do I feel like I’m drowning? You take my face in

your hands and tilt my head until our eyes meet. They are haunting me. I could

break under that gaze, and I will. Just hold me closer and I will.

Eyes on mine, I take my fingers from inside you, and shift my weight so that you

are now completely under me. You surprise me by reaching down and gently guiding

me to your warmth. I smile down at you and see you smile back meekly. Now. Now I

will fill you. At last I will fill you. I slide my eyes half way closed and feel

my body tense with the urge to unleash the fury, but I fight for control. I can

sense that you are not afraid, but you are anxious and your hold on me tightens.

I gently push into you, desperate not to lose myself too quickly. This is all of

you I can take with me. I want it to last. I hear a strangled cry gurgle in the

back of your throat, and your body tightens around mine in an attempt to adjust

for my invasion. I stroke your hair, trying to relax you, and wait for your

breathing to slow, your heart to calm. When you’ve done so, I brace myself once

again, take in a long breath, hold it, and push into as gently as I can. This

time, you knew what to expect, and have opened yourself to me. As I break passed

your boundary, a dull throb forms that is born from the folds of your skin where

I am, to the base of my spine, up and around my gut, and all the way to my

lungs. My head explodes in a blur of giddiness and drowns me in a world

saturated in white. I’ve forgotten how to breathe. I know longer need to. You’ve

become my air, my life. All I see, all I smell, all I taste is you. You are all

around me, you are all I feel. I hear your breath ripple about me, extending out

from me, completing me, roaring what life is meant to be inside veins that have

only known the pulse of cold blood until now. 

Relena.

As we move joined together in our new world of white, I bury my head against the

hollow of your neck. Here, I whisper the one word that is forever on my lips, in

my mind, tearing through my soul. Your name. You tighten around me and thrust

your hips down on me, suddenly desperate to have as much of me inside as

possible. I hear soft whimpers come from my open mouth and do nothing to stop

myself. You have liberated me, and it thrills me to tell you so. Your fingers

dig into my back – my skin burns with your touch. If I die in your arms, may my

ashes smolder at your feet for all time. Your tears will wash over me, banishing

the pain, and leaving only the fire filled coals of love.

Heat rushes through my veins now, and electric volts prick against my skin. I

feel my throat grow raw with the jagged groans that rip past my lips to graze

your ear. My hands grip your hips and lift your body to meet mine with every

thrust. Deeper. I need to be deeper inside. You try to arch your back, and out

added weight held only by your shoulder blades becomes too much despite your

legs wrapped around me and your nails trailing hot paths down my back. 

No. Not like this. I can’t give in yet. I want all of you, and I will have it.

I lower you back onto the bed slowly, and the sheets bunch underneath you, hot

and sweaty. I capture your gaze with my own, and will my movements to slow,

become more controlled. Your eyes hold mine captivated with clear and

unsheltered love, and the passion of a soul newly born. I can’t help but with to

touch that purity, and my fingers rise to caress your cheek, play with the

strands of your hair. Your eyes have filled with tears, and as they pave crystal

rivers down your cheek, I kiss them away and gently blow to dry the wetness and

cool your burning skin. When my lips have found your ear, I take a moment to

breathe in your scent before I whisper your name once again. 

Now. Now I can take all of you.

With new exaggerated slowness, I pull most of the way out of you and hesitate

briefly before plunging into you as far as I can. Again and again. Your back

arches fully to meet me, and as you close your eyes, I can feel the building

sensations of pulsating waves begin to crash over you. And your voice. Your

melodious voice fills the room in open, guttural cries. So beautiful… your head

thrown back, your hair cascading wildly over the pillow, your half open eyes

glazed and unseeing.. I try to heighten your passion by caressing you lightly

all over your body. You toss your head, and as your breasts lunge in the air, I

cover a swollen nipple with my mouth and tease it with my eager tongue. The

thumb of one hand funds a sensitive spot between your hip and thigh, and I press

into the flesh causing you to buck and raise yourself into my next thrust. My

mouth works its way from your throat to your haw, covering you with kisses

before I devour your lips with my own. I can feel your muscles tremble

forcefully, and your breaths are coming in short, gasping bursts. Your head

moves from side to side as though consciousness were coming and going, your

nails dig into my flesh, and you push yourself down my length. You draw in a

serrated breath and pause… and with a short, frenzied cry of release, your body

gives in to the flood. I tense as your form writhes beneath mine, but I can no

longer hold myself. My mind screams, and yet is frozen. My body buries itself

into yours. One more agonizing heave and another, and I…stop. Paralyzed deep

within you.. a searing breath tears its way out of my lungs, and I withdraw one

last time. As I drive into you, I give in completely to the maelstrom of

excruciating fire and searing white rawness that claws its way through me, fatal

and ruthless, exposing and violating all that it touches. I pull out and push

into you once more, than twice, and I feel the warmth of my life overflow and

spill into you. I never imagined love could be so merciless, so unbearable. I

never knew love would be s!

o complete, so full of rapture.

You hold me, kissing my neck, my shoulders, any exposed flesh you have the

energy to reach, and let the after shocks slowly fade. When they have, I stop

moving inside you, but I don’t leave you. Instead, I lie myself down atop you as

tenderly as I can, breathing heavily. I almost fall asleep listening to the

steady beat of your heart, but after a time, I raise my head to capture your

lips in one last kiss before releasing you to lie down once more. You seem

comfortable with all my weight on you, so I’m content with use just looking at

each other. I’ve never feel such exhaustion. I’ve never felt such simple and

complete peace.

When I roll off of you and on to my back, I cradle your head on my shoulder and

we sleep. For the first time in our lives, we finally sleep. All is as it should

be, all is at peace. 

*************************************************************************************

I awake to a hazy light lazily spreading outside the window, still to weak to be

called dawn. To most it would still be dark, to me, I have three hours – maybe

four before sunrise. I rise from the comfort of the covers, gentle so that I

will not wake you, and make my way over to the window, recovering my pants on

the way and hastily putting them on.  The room is still thick with the heat of

our bodies, and it tries to lull me back to your side and back into sleep.

Instead, I rest my forehead on the cool glass of the window, and as it’s too

dark to see my reflection, I look passed the glass to the splendor of the moon

bathing the Sanc with calm, mellow light. This. This is my mission. Not one

given to me, but one I’ve chosen. I will protect this place of peace. I will

protect you so that your message will have the chance it needs to reach those

who will listen. To those who won’t, I will find them. They are your enemies,

and so, they have become mine. Today, it begins. Today, I will face my enemy and

destroy or be destroyed.

Your form shifts on the bed, and I glance behind me to see if you still sleep.

You are blanketed in shadow, but your breathing is still and even. Yet…

You callout my name, hushed and pleading, as though you sense even in your

dreams that I have gone from your side. I feel myself flinch at the misery in

your voice, and I force myself to relax. I can’t afford to comfort you because

if I wake you, I don’t think I can find the strength to leave. I must leave. How

else am I to protect you? But then you call out for me again. Can’t I? Can’t I

touch you just once more? Protect your dreams? Softly, so softly you’ll only

feel it within the dream that frightens you.. I shouldn’t, but my heart demands

it. And though I long to see your eyes softly shining their love for me, I will

content myself with just a simple, slight caress. I find myself walk slowly,

quietly to where you lie and drink the site of you in.

I brush the hair from your face, imagining your eyes are open, and lean down to

kiss you on your forehead. I’m not surprised, not really – when instead of

kissing your forehead, I find that you have reached up to meet my lips with

yours. My chest expands with a surge of blood pumping through my heart too fast

for it to cope with. My soul.. is.. drowning. I can’t breathe! I can’t fight…

I’m being pulled under with the current, smothering under the force of your

desperation. Your need to love me enough in this one moment in case this is the

only chance you will ever have. And so I dive into you and accept the weight of

your soul. I cherish it. 

Relena.

It’s too much! Relena!

But.. but I want it. I want it all.

When we part, I feel that a part of my sanity has splintered away from me and

shattered in the darkness. Part of me keeps fighting the inevitable, but weakens

as submission forces its way over me. My heart’s hammering slows as it’s rage is

replaced with devastation. This can’t be. I knew what was at stake! I’m stronger

than pain! So why do I feel so far away from reality? Why do I feel like I’ve

fallen passed the recesses of hell to land on an expanse of flat, lifeless sea

of arctic ice? Barren and unreal, yet demanding my sense of truth and certainty

in its unyielding vastness..

My soul. My soul is going to snap. And.. and I can do nothing to stop it. 

I’m.. too.. weak… Relena.

Help.

And instead of throwing your arms around me, trying to comfort me with an

embrace that will just be taken away again, you smile. Your beautiful smile. A

smile that shows me strength and understanding. I don’t see tears mocking my

weakness, laughing that I was powerless and frail. I see hope, love. I see that

you believe in me. You believe in me.

By breath comes back to me harshly through clenched teeth, and my lids thaw

enough so that I can blink a tear from each eye. But my tears are not needed.

You believe in me. I will survive, and I will come back to you.

My vision clears, and I look into your troubled eyes. I see your question

burning inside. You want me to stay, but will not ask. If you did, it would

crush me to refuse you. But this is the only way. Our enemies are coming,

Relena. I have to destroy them. I need to destroy them all.

You blink, and your pupils dilate. Have you found something safe to say? Some

last bit of comfort I can take with me before I go? You answer my question by

taking a breath and opening your mouth. Although I long to hear those words…

“…”

I put my fingers to your lips and find a grin tugging at the corner of my own.

“Sssssshhhhhh….”

I know how you feel. I feel it, too. I also know that now is not the time. If it

were said, leaving would be impossible to bear. I can’t afford to be distracted

or my vow to survive could be compromised. We are strong. We will make it

through this war and find each other. Now, out silence binds us to that pact.

When the war is over, when you are safe, I will come back. I will have the

freedom to hold you until after sunrise, and you can cradle me and whisper love

to me all you wish. Quatre knows. It was his idea to come here. Maybe he knew

all along. That’s why he allowed me no excuse until I agreed to say goodbye to

you. Maybe he knew this would happen. Maybe it needed to happen. He knew I

needed it, probably more than you did. The others likely know as well. Maybe

they will find strength from you as I have. You have given them a reason to

fight, something to protect and live for when this chaos is done. Peace is an

ideal, but they believe in you as I do. They will keep our secret and give their

lives to protect it. To protect you. You are our light. You are our freedom.

*************************************************************************************

I watch you fall asleep and cradle you until sleep overtakes you. This time, I

make sure not to wake you, but as I’m leaving, something overwhelms me and I

stop. I turn back towards you, buttoning the last few catches of my shirt. You

wanted to give me something to take with me. I’ll take your heart, then. I reach

behind your hair to gently unclasp the locket that rests between your breasts.

You often finger it to bring strength, though you probably don’t realize it.

Now, I’ll wear it next to my own heart. It will remind me of what we discovered

wrapped in each other’s arms, of your love reverberating from your eyes to wash

over me, of you. We may be apart, but we can never be alone. I have locked you

within the walls of my heart and mind, and you have me inside you as well. With

a wistful smile, I put the locket over my head and let it fall to its place

under my shirt. It’s time to go. With one last lingering look at you, I kiss my

fingertips, touch them to your lips, and turn towards the oak door that cradled

my turbulent thoughts a millennia ago. 

*************************************************************************************

The zero system. I couldn’t fight it any longer. After the peace I felt being

with you, I didn’t want the fury sizzling through my veins, taking away my

humanity, my soul. Taking away the part of me that’s you. I  almost made it.

Almost. But Epyon knew… it knew precisely what to show me to win me back. I’ve

never before tasted true and absolute fear. Fear… twisting crooked and gnarled

paths of blood and horror up my spine, digging into the soft flesh of my guts

and freezing my breath inside me. And.. and rage. Utter rage that tears the skin

back in tattered chunks to reveal the clotted disease of puss and infection that

war brings. Rage that demands a price be exacted in spattering blood and

splintering bone. Hurling pain. Crushing life. Rage that still has unbreakable

hold on me.. so much so that you have been forced to retreat to the most

protected parts of my mind, too pure to be corrupted by this plague of wrath and

destruction. 

Relena. Forgive me. I can’t allow the Sanc to be destroyed. Can’t you see? I

CAN’T allow you to die! I won’t fight Epyon any more. I MUST protect you… you

and.. and my son. I must…

I must find my enemy. 

Where is my enemy?!?