Lingering…
By the Black Rose
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. This fan fiction has
no commercial value and I am not making any kind of profit or income off of
this.
It is defeat that turns bone to flint; it is defeat that
turns gristle to muscle; it is defeat that makes men invincible.
-- Henry Ward Beecher
Chapter 3
She stepped into golden light, and stretched out a hand to help him up. He blinked and tried to take it, but her delicate fingers slipped through his tremulous grasp. Her eyes and skin appeared translucent in the ghostly light, her expression etched in mourning. She seemed to float, radiating a serene halo that called to him and tried to comfort him. How he longed for the light, for the touch of her hand. He reached out again, but instead was stolen by a cloud of darkness that grabbed at him, wrenching him away. He fought against the abyss as it closed in around him, thrashing in protest while his throat grew hoarse from cries that made no sound. He wanted to stay, here – with her. He fixed his eyes once again on her face, watching as a glimmering tear fell from her downcast eyes and slipped down her cheek, sparking in the blackness beneath her. She faded from his sight, and he felt a cold shock stabbing at his heart; he tried to remember why she would look so sad….
The void opened again before him, the memory of her demise obliterating his mind - replaying once, twice….Each time, he could hear a cry – wild, unearthly, something howling in undiluted pain. It surrounded him wholly, tearing at his senses until the scene began anew. The fifth time he saw her die, he knew that scream was his.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Relena. You can’t die, you can’t leave me behind!”
He jolted upright, his body keenly taking in its surroundings. He had been lying on the ground, the dew of morning appearing in the patches of grass not blackened and burnt from a fiery battle. He heard a groan from a short distance away and turned to see a shaken Zechs Marquise finally right himself.
Heero sat back against the tree behind him and let out a breath. “Good.” His eyes drooped closed. He could hear the strained breath of the other man.
“What did you say?”
“You’re here. Good.”
A short laugh rang out, hollow, as if it hadn’t fully carried through the air. “Words I never expected you to say, Yuy.”
He dragged his eyelids over the stinging surface of his eyes and focused on his enemy. “You’ll end this. Do it.”
The blonde man raised his head. “What?”
“End it, Zechs.”
“You
didn’t used to be so willing to die – at least not needlessly. Certainly the collapse of the
“It…it…collapsed,” Heero choked out. “She’s…gone. Hope….”
“She’s not dead yet,” Zechs affirmed. “And she’s a fighter. I would have expected you to have more faith in her than that.”
Heero’s head snapped up. “She’s…alive?”
“She surrendered herself to the Romafeller foundation, and they’ve taken her into captivity, but she’s not dead.”
“Epyon!” His hands flew up to the side of his head, pressing against his ears as he tried to stop the sound of the battle, the sound of the enemy’s gunfire ricocheting with a knife-like point off the tender, swollen drums. The dark god laughed with demonic mirth.
“I can’t tell what’s … I can’t see…what’s REAL anymore!” Heero’s eyes clenched tight, as swallowed sobs wracked his body. He didn’t want to see her die again.
Zechs moved closer. “Hn. I know the
feeling. But you fought on the side of
the
Heero couldn’t answer. His body convulsed as the stream of images came again unbidden to his mind – silky flesh bubbling, her gentle face melting from a precious skeletal form. She erupted into a devastating orb of dancing flames. “NOOOOOOOOOO! You lie! You do nothing but lie, Epyon!” Tears wormed their way beneath the dark lashes hooding his eyes.
I tell you the truth I see. I show you the possible future. She will die…You will die…
He saw himself battling Zechs – locked in a heated conflict that was quickly draining his energy. There wasn’t time…A sense of urgency rushed over him, and he held up something in his hand. “Good-bye, Relena.”
He
blinked, and another apparition conjured vaporously in his mind – Zechs standing in front of a podium, as if in a position of
leadership. Suddenly, he turned away
from the lectern and then embraced Relena in a brotherly hug. She smiled, and he heard him say to her, I will protect you, dear sister.
What does it mean? Heero brought both hands to cover his face as he tried to make sense of the images Epyon showed him.
“He will be your enemy…And she…will die.”
“No! You lie! I don’t believe you!”
“She will die. Her vision will die. Your enemy protects her now, but he will choose
a different path. Without his
protection, she will be killed. Peace
will not be achieved.”
“No. I…”
“He is your enemy…an enemy to what you have
chosen.”
“Is she my enemy?”
“She will never be your enemy.”
“Seems we both got
pretty messed up by our machines.”
The outside voice snapped him away from words the red mobile suit was feeding him. His tired blue eyes locked on the former colonel.
“Epyon told me you’re an obstruction to the path I have chosen. I don’t think Epyon’s mistaken.”
“I see. Looks like they’ve arrived.” Zechs said, looking up to see legions of mobile suits and carriers filling the sky over the newly vanquished kingdom.
“Yeah.”
The two pilots traded suits, and Heero took off in Wing Zero, blasting out to sea, and flying low over the water – fighting against the endless wave of mobile dolls until exhaustion robbed him of the will to fight.
And then he battled on.
* * * * * *
“She will never be your enemy.” The
voice slid into his ear like warm liquid coating the tiny passageway and
seeping into his mind. “She will never be…”
“She is the head of the Romafeller foundation, and the instigator of this fake peace. As long as she lives, the people will submit to the tyranny handed down by Oz. I must… No, I will kill her. And you can’t stop me, Zero.”
“Nor would I wish to,” it hissed back. “It is not my place to change your destiny,
only to show you truth.”
“You try to control me.”
“I try to make your mind more receptive to
the truth.”
“Is that why…”
Lights flickered and blinked around him as if the suit itself was pondering his unfinished question.
“I am not Epyon. I showed you the truth of your feelings for
her, and gave you a taste of your future.
I brought to light the emotions you claimed not to understand. You felt them all along. You just chose not
to act on them.”
“Hn.”
“It is best for the pilot to have no
distractions from battle. If you can
sort through what you feel, you will be more receptive to the truth. That is all.”
“Then tell me what I feel about killing her.”
“You are unsure. Hesitant.
You do not wish to kill her, but feel duty requires it.”
Heero closed his eyes, leaning back into the pilot’s seat. “If you can see the future, then tell me…”
“I do not see the future. I analyze data gathered from you, your
perceptions, your truth, and then run possible outcomes based on your
knowledge. In this case, I can predict
more accurately some of the results and consequences of your actions because I
have seen inside the brain of your opponent.”
“Possible outcomes. So how do you pick which one is most likely to happen?”
“Based on statistical analysis and
the emotional and psychological profile of the pilot, I can predict which
outcomes are most likely to occur.”
“Then what about Relena?”
“Her fate depends on too many others
besides you. I cannot predict with any
certainty a future for Relena.”
* * * * * *
He stood several
meters above her small, elegant form, gun trained if a bit unsteady, aiming for
her head. Relena, I must do this…
“We
must disarm Oz and appeal to the people in outer space. I ask each one of you as world leaders to
accept these changes.”
The cold metal had
grown warm, clutched in his heated grasp.
Her words filtered into his brain – so idyllic, so beautiful, simplistic
yet wise as they resonated through the gilded hall. Had it occurred to her that they were using
her? An innocent face and sweet ideology
for Romafeller to hide behind… surely she had to
know, she had to…
Relena looked up from
her place on the stage and met his gaze; he could see the tiny gasp escape her
mouth as his name formed on delicate, rosy lips – a whisper no one else would
hear, but the sound of her voice echoed loudly in his ears.
“Heero.”
He held the gun as steady as he could, never breaking the silent connection between them. Her blue eyes flickered like a dancing flame, sparking first in realization, then dimming in acceptance of her fate, and then they were gone. She bowed her head and gave him permission to kill her.
He held his breath and shut his eyes… His blood turned cold, raging through his veins like a frigid torrent with every beat of his heart. He could feel his hand tremble as his icy fingers tried to press the trigger. They felt for the warmth of the steel, but then froze completely in his self-inflicted darkness. He shouldn’t be doing this. It shouldn’t be him. Why did he always have to make the hard decisions…Why did it have to be her? Why must he kill the one person to ever care about him?
She will never be your enemy….
There
was a clap of thunder, and the sound of rain.
His eyes flew open to the sound of applause for…for Relena. For her vision. Her message. The noise grew louder and all encompassing. Heero stepped back, again letting his eyes
shift to the small figure below.
Her words proved that she had stayed true to her dreams, and her promise to be on his side. Epyon had been right, she would never betray him, and he had found himself daring to believe in her But the Romafeller foundation representatives were actually standing, supporting that message – to lay down arms and work together with the colonists. If they would do that, then true peace could really be achieved. If she could get them to abide, then she was no longer a simple figure head chosen in order to quietly subdue the masses.
He lowered his weapon. “All right, Relena, let’s see what you can do. I’ll defeat my own enemy.”
He waited in misty darkness, melting into one of the indistinct corners of her room. Relena stood in front of her vanity, a single old-fashioned hurricane lamp on its surface. She reached up and loosened her hair, and Heero got to see it tumble down – golden sea foam atop the crest of a wave. She stopped and stared into the mirror, never bothering to turn around as she addressed him.
“I know you’re here. You don’t have to hide.”
Slowly, he stood up from where he had been leaning back against the wall, arms crossed, still dressed in the itchy wool uniform of an Oz soldier. He surfaced out of the black ocean he had been adrift in for most of his life. “Relena.” The dim outline of a gun materialized in his hand.
“Have you come to kill me, now that we are somewhere more private?”
He hesitated in his step, the weapon moistening in his clammy palm. “No. There are guards outside your door. They would hear a gunshot.” He made no move to lower it, still aiming the deadly instrument at her chest.
Light reflected off the white of her teeth, and she moved towards him, stopping a heartbeat away. “Yes. Better not to risk it I suppose. Then why are you here?”
The gun shook, his hands faltering as she looked at him with shimmering blue eyes. “I…I don’t…know…” She reached up and placed soft, warm fingers on the outside of his wrist, steadying the weapon, and pulling the anxiety from his blood. “I needed…I want…” He felt the gun being lifted; the barrel came to rest on her flesh, just above the red sash over her bosom – at the exterior representation of where her heart lay underneath. He took a shuddering breath. “I can’t seem to tell what’s real, anymore.” He lowered his arm. Re-engaging the safety, the weapon clattered to the floor.
“I understand,” she confessed, her intent look dropping as she let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know myself, sometimes. It’s like I’m on one of those moving sidewalks, being carried along, only I want to get off, or go back. And just before I take the step, the sidewalk changes direction. I’m constantly falling, trying to get up on my feet, and then tumbling down again. I don’t suppose you know what that’s like….”
“I….”
She crossed the remaining distance between them and grabbed a fistful of his shirt, leaning forward to where her forehead rested against his chest in the same spot the unbuttoned uniform slipped open to reveal his tank top. “I’ve been so afraid…. I’m not as strong as you, Heero.”
He gently pushed her away, tilting her chin to where she had to meet his gaze. “You’re right. You’re stronger.”
“Heero… Will…will you be joining my brother? I thought we were so close, had made such progress today, only to have all my hopes vanquished by my own brother. I know whichever side you choose will be the right one.”
“I will not join your brother.”
“What? But they…they say they are representing the wishes of the colonies. I thought…”
“The White Fang isn’t fighting for peace. They want domination, just like Oz. It’s not the correct path.” He heard a distinct rustle of fabric outside the door. “I should go.”
She reached out for him, tentative fingers grazing the uniform jacket he wore, causing him to turn. “No, Heero. Please, just stay a bit longer. I…I’ve missed you.”
“Relena….”
“Please, promise me something, Heero. Promise me that I’ll see you again. That you won’t die before this is over, and that the next time we meet will be under different circumstances….”
“I can’t promise you that,” he said, shaking his head. “It conflicts with another promise I already made.”
“Which one is that?” Her voice sounded so small in this large empty room.
“I promise to protect you, Relena. For as long as I can stay alive in this miserable war, I will protect you.”
“Heero…..” Her step echoed as she moved nearer.
“I have to go.”
“Wait. I just…”
“Yes?”
“I just want you to know…I…I love you.”
“I love you…” The words pulsed and ached throughout his body. How…why…Yet he knew it was true. One look into her eyes and he knew it had been true since somewhere before time began. It was eerie, strange – to hear those words, and see that look. That look which he knew mirrored his own.
He saw her turn away, expecting him to continue his exit, but something was propelling him the other direction, back into the room, back into her arms. He grabbed one limb and jerked her towards him, feeling the pleasant collision of her soft, feminine build against his body. A slight smile curved one corner of his mouth as he saw astonishment sculpt her features into wide eyes and blushing cheeks. His lips seized hers in a reckless kiss.
Golden shadows danced on the far wall, as his hands worked over the satin of her gown. It whined in protest as the coarse fabric of his uniform rubbed against it. He quickly tore the back zipper down its tracks, then pulled away to let the dress fall to the floor in an undignified heap. He sucked in a breath at her glorious, barely covered form, shimmering in the flickering lamplight of the room. He wasted no time in picking up where he left off. They could be discovered at any moment….
His right hand came up and cupped her soft breast, teasing it through the backless bra she wore above a matching thong and lacy garters. She pulled him down for another kiss....
He felt her fingers dancing over the waistline of his pants, rubbing purposefully at his arousal, then wrestling with the complicated enclosure. Her breath was hot on his ear as he dipped his head down to claim the nipple of her right breast, his tongue laving over its puckered surface. He was rewarded by her hand gently coaxing his member out of its restraints. Gray mist hazed into the corner of his eye….and he grabbed her tightly to his body, unwilling to relinquish his consciousness. Is this real? He wondered briefly, then felt himself falling backwards, being caught by her bed. She knelt before him.
Delicate fingers greedily pulled at his pants, wresting them from his body as her naked figure slid between his legs and pushed him into a lying position on the mattress. He had expected her to join him, but she stayed put, her mouth kissing his lower abdomen as her hands stroked the outside of his thighs before testing his swollen arousal.
“Ahhhhh…” Her probing touch elicited a deep moan from his lips. He closed his eyes as her mouth claimed its plunder.
“Relena….” He gasped, feeling her tongue circle the tip then stroke his length with unbearable sweetness. Yellow light coated the room, pulling awareness from his mind. He could feel the pressure mounting, the blinding desire for release. He desperately tried to quash the urge to thrust into her mouth.
His vision fractured, and he could feel his heart rate building, she appeared before him in golden glory, faintly glowing as he begged her to stop – he didn’t want…he didn’t want it to end so soon.
The light…He
wasn’t here…she wasn’t … Oh, God, Relena,
say it again….
“I love you,” she whispered as she joined him on the bed, pulling him towards her. His hands locked into place on her silken body. She sealed her mouth to his.
He pushed her onto her back, desire coursing through him, consciousness slipping, his mind fought to focus on her – the taste of perspiration on her skin, the scent and flavor of her center as he lapped at her intimate jewel. He felt the muscles of her body contract, heard her moans and whispered longings….
And his name again.
“Heero…I love you. Please…”
If this was a vision, he never wanted to leave. He would kill, he would do anything, as long as Zero never woke him…as long as this could be real. He moved up the length of her body and kissed her deeply. She responded back in breathy tremors, her hands seeking out his shaft and coaxing it towards her heated warmth. He couldn’t stop and he couldn’t wait. He nudged her thighs to accommodate his position, then sunk into painful ecstasy. Innocence escaped her lips, marked with a crimson seal - forever bonding her soul to his. Golden tears kissed her eyes, growing brighter, until he couldn’t see….
Yellow light swept her away, her body, her essence evaporating in his intimate embrace. He choked and convulsed, the air around him coarse and gray, he begged Zero to give her back.
Don’t…Relena don’t go…
Swirling emptiness and deepened shadows hedged on his peripheral vision, stripping the heat she had caused in his body.
No…
Damn you, Zero.
Images and consciousness shattered once more, and she materialized from the dark matter, parting it with her light and glowing like a distant star. They were…they were…on Libra.
“Do you really think if you go, that the war is going to come to an end?”
“I’ll defeat Zechs, and I’ll go get Treize. Then, the war will be over. Afterward, if you make it out of here, there’ll finally be peace. This is the only thing I can do for you.”
“Heero…”
“I promised that I would protect you. But in order to protect you and the Earth Sphere, Relena, I have no choice but to fight.”
“No…”
“Please let me fight.”
“I won’t. No way, Heero, you’re planning to die, aren’t you?”
He held her close, their bodies separated by their space suits, and met her tender mouth with his, pulling her into a gentle kiss. If this was goodbye, it was the only way to say it – tinged with sweetness and full of the emotion he held for her. That he had always held for her. That he would hold for her forever. “Believe in me.”
“Relena….”
Space and time corroded, his body fell…he could feel the desperate pull in his veins, reeling in his soul, and he fought to keep out the darkness. He didn’t want to see… He didn’t want to go back. Terror sunk into his essence, fouling its purity and masticating gentleness and hope. He felt his hands contract, and the humid metal in his palms – smooth, distinct, unforgiving.
No.
The thunderous crash of exploding ammunitions split his ears.
No!
Anguish dug into his chest, throbbing like an infected wound. Contaminated agents wound their way through the smallest capillaries, spreading disease to every cell, nourishing his body with promised death. Rage frothed on his skin like grimy puss.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
He sliced and cut, his entire core thrown into metallic confines of the suit. Zero responded fluently, tearing flesh and crunching metal in a frenzied pace set by the desolate pilot nestled inside. Fervent battle raged as space erupted into the physical, fiery incarnation of hell.
War was hell, and Zero the forever agony of a tortured soul.
He despised it. He despised it all. He fought to win. He battled to die. “ZECHS!”
He charged the suit of the dark god, throwing everything in the universe and nothing left of him behind the heat lance.
I will defeat you and end this.
Space electrified as the two combatants locked swords. How long they had been battling like this, Heero had no idea. He didn’t care. One of them was going to die, and he would be released either way.
“Kill and you will be free…”
The demon condemned him to his fate.
His body failing, fatigue settling over his straining flesh, Heero jammed the controls forward with struggling strength. Zero struck the enemy with a crippling blow. Seizing the opportunity, the pilot threw his body into the final assault, hurtling towards the giant suit. A hoarse cry tore his throat as he swung the heat lance down in a terrible arc, the weapon slicing the fabric of space and gundanium metal, leaving a fiery trail behind.
Epyon’s giant arm fell as Heero stopped, gasping desperately for air.
“Why don’t you kill me?”
Finish him!
He’s the enemy…
Tears edged on his failing vision, yellow light fading from his mind. “Relena would be sad.” Relief inched into the tips of his fingers and crept up his arms to his shoulders. He sagged forward against the restraints.
Destroy him.
Destroy the enemy!
“You are the tool. I will not be controlled by you, or by
anyone. My enemies are the ones who are
after my life, and the ones who toy with my life. You are my enemy. War is my enemy…”
Quatre burst through space and appeared pale and sickly on his vidcom screen.“Heero!”
“What, Quatre?”
“Good. You’re okay. The block is still descending quickly toward the Earth.”
“Gotcha. I’m going to destroy this ship’s power system.” With a burst of borrowed strength, he threw the thruster forward and blasted off in search of the engine block.
“You need me…” Zero’s ‘voice’ matched the
singing vibration of the thrusters.
A vision of her on a distant ship surfaced in his mind, tears shining in her eyes. He felt his soul straining against its fleshly bonds, wanting to be near her.
“I do believe in you. Yes, I do.”
“Here it is.” His thumb jammed the control to open fire. The gatling guns whined, no ammunition in its deadly store.
“No way.
Heero, you’re planning to die aren’t you?”
“The only thing left is the self detonation device.” The too-familiar control fit perfectly in his hand. He could hear Zero hiss its approval, and a demonic smile appeared before his mind an instant before he remembered… Epyon had showed him this before. His future… his death…
Hope was swallowed up and hollowed out the rest of his physical form. He was so tired…so tired of battling for every day – battling just to exist. He wasn’t like Zero, he didn’t want to keep fighting forever, to keep killing and dying. And he was dying…
He would remember her. He didn’t know how or where, but he wouldn’t be without her. If he could fight these bitter battles for something as inconsequential as freedom and peace, then he could wage war against whatever forces in the heavens sought to separate them. He raised the control mechanism, determination glinting in his eyes.
I will protect you…
“Farewell, Relena.”
Time slowed, and sped up at the same time. At first, he thought he had pressed the button and had died…. But then he realized it wasn’t nearly painful enough, and through a vague, vicious fog, he heard Zechs’s voice speaking to him.
“Just
watch me, I’m going to live right ‘til the bitter end!”
“Till we meet again, Heero.”
Epyon’s future had been wrong.
You don’t know truth! You lie!
Both of you lie! YOU LIE, ZERO!
“I am a machine. I do not know any emotions, pilot. Just like you should know no emotions. But you do not break, even though you could
be so much more effective if you would let me have the controls.”
The block was still descending – falling too fast, too fast for anyone to be able to reach it and prevent its inevitable destructive path to Earth. His heart sunk, he wouldn’t be able to protect her – not on his own, not like he was. Not and survive. He had no ammunition, and was tired, so tired from his battle with Zechs. His shoulders slumped forward with his ultimate defeat.
You’ll take the only thing I have that’s
left. My sense of self that kept me
going, that when the whole world went crazy, I still had to believe in and to
trust. You’ll take her, too. And hand me
death.
“You will die. It is your destiny. A heroic end…it’s all any soldier has to hope
for.”
And suddenly he was on that beach again, her blue eyes penetrating deeper than anything ever had. He was being forced to choose again – self detonate and protect her, or kill the girl that had peered inside his soul, obliterating darkness with the gentle light in her eyes. Destroy the only one who cared and save himself.
“Zero, please guide me through this,” he said to the mechanical monster and felt the chain of submission close around his neck. Golden light fused his vision as the vice grew tighter, and it began to choke off needed air. Invisible chains touched his arms and legs as he felt everything drain from his body.
He had lost…
“We will die together.”
“You forgot this.” A voice called through the haze, causing a violent tremble in the machine beneath him. The chains snapped. Light dissolved and the monster heaved a fiery breath. Heero’s head jerked up in time to see Wufei launch Zero’s buster rifle at him. He caught it easily and armed the demon that had been about to devour him.
“
Space fell around him in strange silence. He gritted his teeth against the increasing temperature, and the terrifying force pulling at his suit, grating against his entire body. He fought to focus on the looming assailant, hurtling in its deadly path, plunging towards earth. He could feel the buster rifle shake as he tried desperately to get it locked on target.
“You need me. Say you need me and we will die in
glory. You cannot save her without me.”
“I will…”
“It is your destiny. You cannot change it,
foolish pilot.”
She
reached up and placed warm, delicate fingers on the outside of his wrist…
“I will….”
The
gun steadied in his hands, and the barrel came to rest on her skin raised to
the place just above her heart…
“I will…”
“You are imperfect as a soldier without
me. The true warrior dies in battle.
Stop fighting me and accept your death!”
He closed his eyes
and remembered her words. “I love you.”
“I will survive!” Heero screamed and fired the last thunderous bolt. The lightning struck the dead center of his target, annihilating it in a tremendous blast that shook Zero from the burning sky, the heat of the atmosphere still tearing at its metallic flesh. He wrenched the transformation control and pulled it out of its fatal dive, heading back towards the outer reaches of space. The golden light failed to reappear, and through the tired haze that was only his mind’s creation he saw her face.
Relena…