De Profundis

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I only have the Gundam Wing characters on loan.  £3.50 from Blockbuster :) hahaha...

AN: I can't remember if I used it in any other chapters up until this one, but when the characters think to themselves it will be in italics.  Okie dokie? :)   Oh, one more thing, this chapter has a reference to the Official Gundam Wing Manga 'Blind Target' where there is a "kiss" between Heero & Relena... So don't send me a hundred emails asking me for the ep where they kissed coz they didn't, well not in the anime... and it's a damn shame too!

***

It was dark now.   A torrential downpour blighted, what would, otherwise, have been a beautiful night.   Silent flashes of light, streaked through the clouds, only to be followed by a deep rumbling.   Thunder.   He didn’t like it.   Duo didn’t know whether it was a childhood experience or what, but he never felt completely comfortable during thunderstorms.

Seeking to take his mind off it, he glanced at his silent companion.   Heero hadn’t spoken a word the whole way there.   He hadn’t refused to go though and Duo resolved to take that as a good sign.

Heero could feel Duo’s eyes on him. Resisting the urge to scream “WHAT?” in his face, Heero decided to ask a question before Duo summoned up the courage to.

“Why are you bringing me here?”   Perfect Soldier mode engaged, Duo mentally laughed.

“Ummm, the wonderful weather?”  

“I’m not gonna fall into your trap Maxwell.” 

This time he laughed out loud.   “Maxwell? You’ve been talking to Wufei right?”

“You think by bringing me here I’ll tell her.   I won’t.   It’s better for the both of us, to just…”   Heero uncharacteristically stopped mid-sentence.   To just what?   He asked himself.

Forget about each other? Fat chance.

Seeing Heero’s thinly masked trepidation, Duo decided it was as good a time as any…

“Why did you make her believe you were dead?”   Heero’s disdain at his question, almost made Duo wince.

“You would never understand.”

“Try me.”

No answer.

“You’d be surprised what I do understand Heero.   What everyone seems to understand but you.”

“You couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like to have these kind of emotions and not be able to get rid of them!”   Heero wanted to jump out of the car, anything to get away from talking about this.

“Right.   You’re the only one who had a rough time of it.   You’re the only one who’s had trouble-trusting people again.   You’re the only one who’s fallen in love with someone when you never wanted to, just to find yourself needing that person when you didn’t ask for it!”   Duo was genuinely angry.   It took a lot to get Duo pissed off.   He usually took everything in his stride, but those words had hit home.

Heero sighed; he didn’t mean to trivialize his tough upbringing or his relationship with Hilde.   But he couldn’t bring himself to admit how he felt for Relena to anyone, especially not to Duo.

“I never said I was in love with Relena.”

“Then, what emotions are you talking about?”

He's got you there...

“You said you’d die for her.”

“To protect peace.   If Relena died-“   Duo scoffed, cutting him off.

“That’s BS Heero and you know it.” 

After a few awkward seconds of silence Duo calmly persisted.

“What about missing her?”   Duo’s grin was met with eyes of confusion.

“Well, you don’t miss people you don’t have any feelings for whatsoever.”   Seeing Heero’s hesitant expression he pushed it further.   “Do you?”

“What do you want me to say? What do you want from me?”

Duo pulled the car over, sinking slightly into the soft grass.   Carrying on this conversation while driving wasn’t working anymore.

“All I want is for you to admit to yourself that you do have feelings for her.   Admit that much at least.   Even if you’re not sure what those feeling’s are.”

Duo’s persistence wasn’t getting him anywhere, after a few silent minutes; Heero’s cold stare confirmed to Duo that he was defeated.   Sighing, he restarted the engine.

Trouble is I’m all too clear what those feelings are.  

***

The car halted slowly as it approached the Peacecraft Mansion.   They couldn’t get too close; no one was supposed to know that Heero was alive; they couldn’t just waltz right up to her house and announce themselves.

“Show time buddy…”

“I told you…”   Heero’s teeth were clenched.

“Heero, stop being such a hard-ass and get up there.” As Heero didn’t react, Duo leaned over and opened his door.   “I’m not telling you to go in and declare your undying love, just tell her what’s going on.   Maybe there’s a way to stop this war before it even begins.”   Closing the door again, forcefully, Heero fixed those perussian eyes on his tormenter.

“Don’t look at me like that.   Just get out, you owe it to her Heero.”

He couldn’t take it anymore.   Just say it.   Just tell him the truth.   Heero’s mind screamed at him.   You can’t lock your feelings away forever.

A lingering stillness echoed through the car, he couldn’t even hear his own breathing. The silence was deafening.

“I… I’m af... afraid.”   Heero could almost feel Duo’s surprise.

Duo wanted to jump up and down screaming “HE FEELS! HE DOES!” but the vulnerability in Heero’s voice told him to shut up and listen.

“Of what?”

He could feel all the emotion that he had chained up within him raising to the surface.

Hatred.

Fear.

Anger.

“I’m afraid she’ll hate me for what I’ve done, for what I was going to do.   I would have broken a promise.   A promise I was determined to keep…” Duo was speechless.   Heero Yuy afraid of what someone thinks of him? Of what she thinks of him?

“I don’t want to go up there and look into her eyes and see nothing but contempt.”   Heero hadn’t looked at Duo the whole time he was talking, he couldn’t look at him and see the disbelief, he wanted to imagine, if only for a moment, that he wasn’t Heero Yuy: Perfect Soldier, but that he was Heero Yuy: Human-being.

“Heero…”

“There’s nothing left to say.   She thinks I’m dead, now I can move on with my life.   It’s better for both of us this way.”

Duo sighed.   Could he seriously be this naïve?

“Heero, the last thing Relena would do is hate you.   Can’t you see it? Are you really that blind?   She loves you.”

Those last words felt like a dagger through his chest, a dull pain that made his whole body ache.

“I don’t deserve her.   I couldn’t even hope to compare to her.”

“You think she cares about that?”

“I care about that.”   Duo was getting more and more frustrated.

“So you’re going to pay for the things you’ve done in the past for the rest of your life?”

“I don’t deserve her.” Heero repeated.

“Goddamnit Heero! Don’t you think that’s her decision?”

Heero glanced at Duo, for a split second Duo thought he could see pain in his eyes, but the image was fleeting.   Again they were plunged into an uncomfortable stillness.

“If you could have seen her Heero, you wouldn’t even be thinking this.   It was like her body was there, but there was nothing inside.   Like she was dead already.”   Duo’s last words had startled him.   He knew that whatever she was going though because she was missing him, it was his fault.

“It’s my fault. I did that to her.”

“You can put it right.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes you can.   She loves you, and I don’t need to ask if you love her.”

Heero shot an icy glare at Duo, which triggered a response from him he wasn’t expecting.

“See.” Duo grinned, half laughing.

Heero wanted to laugh himself, laugh at this whole damn situation.   A war was about to erupt and there he and Duo was, talking about his love life, or a lack thereof.

“Now go.”   Duo gestured towards the door.

***

Relena laid in her room for hours in total darkness; it had begun to suit her.   The balcony windows were ajar and the curtains blew haphazardly around the room.   A silent tear dropped from her face to the pillow she was hugging.   She knew what she was doing was so unlike her.   She could have found a way to stop this developing into a war; there could have been a way.   She tried to think of why she let it go as far as it had.   All she could think of is that maybe she would die, and she would be with Heero again.   The thought just brought more tears to her eyes.   She had become so weak. Allowing a war just so she could die.   Why bring such horrors on everyone else.   Why not just get a gun and pull the trigger.   Why not end her miserable life and let someone else take the right step, someone else who was capable of running a nation; capable of leading a civilization.   She sure wasn’t.   Not anymore.

She sat up. Her mind was made up, no more loneliness.   Se reached for the gun in her bedside drawer.   Strange thing to keep in a pacifist nation, but Heero once told her that even during the most peaceful times, war was waging in the minds of others.   Someone still might try to end her life. Ironic that she was going to end it with the gun he gave her.

“Relena.”   She gasped at the stranger’s voice.   Blinding images of Heero standing over her in a field filled her mind. I’m just hallucinating.   She thought.

“Look at me Relena….” She heard it again, but this time, no images. She turned to look at the balcony.   She couldn’t believe what she was seeing.   It can’t be him.   He’s dead.

“I’m hallucinating.”   She stated to no one in particular.   She knew if she started talking to him, her subconscious mind would talk her out of it.

“No you’re not.”   Heero walked over to her, he couldn’t believe how fragile she had become.   He was afraid to touch her.   She saw him edging nearer, her breath came quicker as he reached out to touch her hair.   She snapped back to reality and moved back onto the floor, pulling the gun on Heero.

“If I’m not hallucinating then prove it.”

“Relena, please…”

“Prove it!” She shouted at him.   He kneeled in front of her, looking deeply into her eyes.   Duo was right, they were just echo’s of the woman he once knew. Duo’s words flew around his mind. Like she was dead already.

The intensity of the gaze was enough to make Relena feel giddy.   She wanted to believe he was there, wanted to believe it so badly her breath caught in her throat.

“Heero… This can’t be real.   I want it to be, but I know it isn’t.”   Relena wanted to hold back the tears.   Hallucination or not, she didn’t want him to think she couldn’t cope.   That she couldn’t live without him.   She wanted him to think she was stronger than that.

Heero didn’t know what he could to prove to her he was there.   Talk to her? Sit with her? Hold her? Kiss her? His train of thought ended abruptly.   He knew where his mind was headed.   Heero resorted to all he could think to do.

“Tell me what to do to make you believe me.”   Heero locked his gaze with hers; he wouldn’t look away, no matter how much pain it caused him.

Relena just stared back at his perussian orbs. Thinking.   Every time it’s a dream I can’t touch him.   His touch makes the dream fade away.

“Touch me.”   Her voice was so soft, a barely audible whisper.   But he heard her.

A flash of confusion spread across Heero’s features before understanding took hold.

He lifted his left hand, stopping halfway between the two kneeling on the plush floor.

Looking at his hand, Relena felt something like fear.   She knew that if she was right, and she reached out and touched him, he would be gone.   Moments, which felt like an eternity to Heero, passed as she finally dropped the gun to the floor.   Dried tears that had overflowed her emotions marked her streaked face.   Heero felt something in his chest, a constricting pain that made it hard to breathe.

Her hand trembled as it reached out; it looked so delicate and weary.

Unconsciously, as their hands met, Heero drew in a sharp breath.   She was so cold, a body without a soul.   I did this to her.

They both looked into each other’s eyes.   His true Prussian depths faltered through his trademark perfect soldier façade.   Their fingers began to intertwine, locked together in a gentle grasp.

“Heero…” Relena’s voice cracked as she whispered his name.

“I’m not going anywhere.”   He could almost feel her fear, an unbearable fear of loss.

Relena broke their perpetual gaze to look at their hands.   His touch was almost painful for her, she couldn’t hold back anymore.   She fell towards him sobbing.

At first he stiffened at her actions; yet after a few seconds he relaxed his body to hers.   It felt right to him, enclosing her in his embrace.   He wanted to protect her from everything.   

But what use would that do? I was the one who did this.

Heero had never cried before, never in his life as far back as he could remember, he had never let anyone become so important to him, that he would react in such a way.   But Relena had broken through every wall, defeated all resistance.   He was in her hands; blinking frantically he couldn’t stop a lone tear from marking his face.

Hearing his slight gasp, Relena looked up into his blurred eyes.   She saw his horror at his own tears.   He receded harshly, pushing her back, as he leaned over to the nearby bed for stability.

“Heero…” Relena choked out.

“Please…” His usually stern and unfeeling voice was wracked with emotion. “…Leave me alone.”   Relena scrambled to her feet, and kneeled in front of him.

“There’s no shame in crying Heero, no shame in admitting that you feel…” clutching at her chest she continued. “...In here.”   This is where her strength laid, within him.   She reached out with a quivering hand and brushed his cheek gently, taking the tears with her.   Her skin was smooth to his face; he unconsciously closed his eyes.   But flashing imagery of Relena dead made his mind stop still.   He grasped her wrist fiercely with his right hand, while his eyes flew open.   

I came here for you, not for me.   I don’t deserve your sympathy.

He wanted to say the words, but his mouth wouldn’t move, he had become mesmerized by her crystal blue eyes.   There was no fear in them at all, he was sure his hand must be hurting her, but she wasn’t afraid.   Not of him.   They sat like that for what seemed like an eternity, an unbearable yet unbreakable connection had formed through their gaze.   She wanted to talk but she was terrified she would end their reverie. Without thinking, she leaned forward ever so slightly, but it was enough for him to feel her breath on his bare neck.   Heero loosened his grip on her wrist to intertwine their fingers once again, as his left hand glided up her back. Their mouth’s meeting softly in the middle.   Relena raised her free hand to his face, lightly tracing a line down his neck.   The shiver that her touch coursed down his spine made him deepen the kiss.   Gripping her firmly with his arm behind her back, Heero leaned over so that she was beneath him.   Their intertwined fingers, now released, circled around each over as Heero lay over her.

The sensation of kissing him was just as she remembered.   Those short seconds before she had to return to Earth, after Heero had saved her once again.   She couldn’t put into words how much she lived for just a moment, for one pure sweet moment when she would be able to touch him.

Heero couldn’t really comprehend what he was doing, he felt something inside that told him to satisfy every primal need he possessed, but an overwhelming need to stop roughly broke him from his carnal instincts, and the kiss.

“Relena…” his voice was husky, desire was taking over his senses.   Her faint groan as the kiss ended didn’t help any.

“It’s ok Heero…I understand.”   Grateful for her empathy, Heero sat back up, bringing Relena with him.   Their bodies still entwined in an intimate embrace.

“You should sleep.   We can talk tomorrow.”   Relena could feel his hot breath on her neck, another confirmation that he was there, that he was real.   If was comforting.

“Alright…”   Heero was about to move off her when she clutched his shoulder.

“But only if you stay with me.”   He looked into her eyes, those eyes that seemed very much dead only minutes before, were now alive with a burning intensity.

He nodded once, lifting himself off the floor.   Looking down at her, she looked like a child, someone who had lost their way, forgotten their path.   In the days ahead he was sure he could help her reclaim what she had lost.   Or rather, what he had taken from her.

Steadily, he cradled her in his arms, she closer her eyes as he lifted her off the soft carpet.    The room was deathly dark, but he made his way over to her bed without faulting.   He lowered her ever so gently, her eyes fluttering open fixed on his, darkened by his unruly brown hair.

“Sleep.”   It was the lone word she heard, before slipping into a peaceful slumber.