Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or the song "On My Own" from the Broadway musical Les Miserables.
Author's Note: Since I recall very little about the academy Relena opened in the Sanc Kingdom, some of the details in this may be incorrect. I apologize for any inconsistencies. The story takes place immediately before Heero and Quatre come to stay at the Sanc Kingdom.

On My Own
A fic by Vi

The sun was just beginning to set as Relena Peacecraft let herself out of her office. She closed the door behind her and walked towards the front entrance of the Sanc Academy for Girls, or Pacifist High, as the students had nicknamed it. Her footsteps echoed sharply through the empty halls of the school as she let herself out. It was six-thirty, and her students were either eating dinner in the cafeteria or heading back to their dorm rooms to study. Walking towards the manor, Relena could hear the occasional laughter coming from the edges of the campus, and she smiled faintly at the sounds of happiness. It made her think of her own friends, the ones she had left behind to pursue her dream. And that in turn made her think of him.

[And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend
Without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near, and I can make
Believe he's here.]

She missed her old life. As much as she hated to admit it, she missed her old-fashioned school, and her immature friends, and her room at her parents' house with its childish wallpaper and abundance of stuffed animals. Since her move to the Peacecraft estates, Relena had developed a persistent case of insomnia. There was just something about her room...she didn't know who had decorated it for her, but its furnishings were so generic, and the colors were so bland. It was
not a room for an adolescent girl. It felt more like a cushy prison.
Without thinking twice, Relena detoured towards the northeast edge of the campus. If she wasn't going to sleep, she might as well get some exercise and fresh air. Her nightly walks were becoming a habit.

[Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.]

Relena could hear the splashing and gurgling of the river, and it made her smile wider. This was her favorite place to walk. Her little hikes were giving Pargan heart failure, and Noin was having conniptions, but she wouldn't give up her walks for anything. She knew if she let them talk her into letting them escort her, it wouldn't be the same. The loosening grip she had on her sanity would be broken. Relena always felt as though she had to censor her thoughts around her guardians.
The sun finally slipped beneath the horizon and the stars began to peek through the gauzy cloud cover. The air was distinctly cooler on the riverbank, and Relena stopped walking for a moment to close her eyes and let the damp night-smelling air seep through her pores and soothe her aching heart. Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes and stared into the swirling depths of the river. The deep blue it reflected made her think again of Heero. Her reluctant champion, her begrudging knight.
Her strength.

[On my own
Pretending he's beside me.
All alone I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.]

Lowering her head, Relena resumed walking. But now, a presence walked beside her, an entity made of starlight and river mist and her own girlish dreams. Even though she was supposed to be a princess, a ruler, a leader of men, she still had her young fantasies. Lately, those fantasies had started to revolve around a certain Gundam pilot.
The clouds had gotten thicker, and a light smattering of rain began to fall. Relena shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. If she thought about it hard enough, she could just feel Heeros' arms catch her up in a gentle embrace. Her daydreams caused a rush of emotion that brought tears to her eyes. When she closed her eyes, they fell down her face and mixed with the rain on her cheeks.
Fantasy-Heero drew a finger across her face, wiping away the dampness. "Don't cry, Relena."

[In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river]

For a moment Relena was startled. She considered the possibility that the last of her sanity had finally escaped her, then decided she didn't care. She continued walking and Fantasy-Heero walked with her.
Finally the rain stopped, and the clouds parted just enough for the moon to show through. Relena walked on a paved path that seemed to glow as she tread quietly, trying desperately to keep this illusion by her side. Mist rolled gently off the river and wrapped itself silently around her ankles. And still Fantasy-Heero walked beside her.

[In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.]

Relena had no idea of how far she'd walked, nor was she too concerned about it. She was more concerned that her dreams would evaporate suddenly and leave her alone again. Her reflection walked beside her in the river. If she squinted, she could almost see her dream keeping in step with her. His features kept fading from her memory, a little more every day. Now all she could recall exactly were his eyes. The rest was fuzzy and indistinct. But she held the memory dearly nonetheless.

[And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us.]

A sudden burst of loud laughter from the campus broke rudely into Relena's thoughts. Fantasy-Heero was gone as quickly as he'd come, and suddenly the river didn't seem as inviting as it had a few moments ago. Relena realized that her feeling of seclusion had been in her head-she was in fact only a few hundred feet from the closest dormitory. Even now she could see the lighted windows and smell the students sneaking out back for a smoke. Feeling her soul drop again, she turned and headed back towards the manor.

[I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.]

Where had all these people come from? Relena could see a couple of girls on a bike ride, another on a walk. And several were walking to and from the dorms. The river had lost it's magical quality...suddenly, she couldn't get away fast enough.

[I love him
But everyday I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning]

The unexpected burst of reality made Relena stop and think. Where was Heero right now? And what was he doing? Was he even still alive? She banished that thought from her head, but an equally disturbing one took his place; does he care if I'm still alive? Relena couldn't make that thought go away, but she couldn't answer it either. She didn't think Heero would be able to answer it if he was standing in front of her.

[A world that's full of happiness that I have
Never known.]

A sudden yearning invaded her heart. They would never have a chance to get to know each other as people. Too much had already happened. The whole situation was a horrid catch-22; she loved him for what he was, but because of what he was, she could never have what she wanted. Relena cursed herself for succumbing to her daydreams in the first place. She was still cursing herself when the tears came back, burning their way down her face.

[I love him, I love him.]

Her love. Her love meant nothing to him.

[I love him, but only on my own.]