I sighed. I looked out my window wondering if I would ever see Heero again. It was depressing to think about him. It was truly puzzling to me, how could a pacifist love a suicidal killer? I didn't quite know myself, but I just couldn't deny these emotions. I told myself that he wasn't coming back. He never was. Heero didn't care about me. He didn't care about anything. That's just the way he is, no emotions at all. Refuses to feel.
The ache in my heart for him was so great though. At times it pushed me over the edge, knowing that I loved him, and offered my heart and soul, but he didn't care. It made me want to end my life. True love only comes around once in a lifetime, and I could feel that this was it. But, there was one problem, getting Heero to feel the same way about me. I almost wished he would come back and kill me, just so I could see his face again.
I just wanted to look into those deep Prussian eyes of his; they looked so lonely. No light to them. That's the way it was. I hated Dr. J for making Heero what he was. He had no life. What was a soldier with no emotions to do in a time of peace? Start another war? That was the way it seemed. The only way for Heero to be happy, in his on way, would to be fighting.
All the Gundam pilots were that way. Even Duo. He may look cheerful and in his own perfect world on the outside, but there was a living hell going on in the inside. Maybe Quatre was an exception; he appeared to be too kind, too how shall I put this? Not fit for war. He was too caring; he didn't want any more deaths. Trowa never did talk much. I guess staying silent was the best way for him to be. But, Wufei, he would always talk about justice. He wanted to fight so this justice could be achieved, Wufei had honor and I'm not sure if everyone respected that as much as he did.
The war is over. The whole world has peace. I should be happy, but I'm not. I feel that I'm the loneliest I've ever been. This is what I've been fighting for. What the whole world needs. But what about me, what do I need? I'm sure the answer is very clear, only I'm not sure how to achieve that. The rejection I've had has hurt me so. I'm positive many would love to be in my position. Maybe the world would be a better place. Relena, queen of the world, what a joke.
It wouldn't take much, just a little slip of the knife, an overdose. Wait. I shouldn't be thinking like this. Father wouldn't want it. He died trying to talk sense into the power hungry animals. He would be upset with me. Then again, he wasn't my real father, but he was everything I would want my father to be. I hope to see him again, someday. But for now, not any time soon.
I wonder if Duo is still around. Maybe he knows where Heero is. Just to talk to him, see his face again, it would mean the world to me. You never know. I should stop being depressed. It's not good for me. How am supposed to encourage others if I can't encourage myself? Well, it's going to end here. I'll see Heero again. In some way I feel it was my destiny to cross paths with him many times in life. You never know, he just might remember my birthday and give it to me in person. You never know what the future has in store. You can never be prepared, but I will try. Try my hardest.
Yea, I know what today is. How could I forget? It's Relena's birthday. She was on the verge of crying when I ripped up her invitation that time and then she ripped up my card to her and told me to give it to her in person next time. Well, I guess it's next time. I've been doing nothing as of lately. I live in an apartment and I try to live a normal life, as much as a 'Perfect Soldier' can live a normal life.
I figure there is nothing for me to do any more. We did what we were sent to do and that's all there is to it. Wars, that's all I strive on. Trained not to feel anything and win at all costs. At least you could put a winning bet on me.
It was weird. I was thinking about what happened a year ago, when Relena tore up the card. I smiled at her before I left. I don't know what had over come me to do that. It's strange. I just had this sensation, and it just for some odd reason felt right. What is this? Do I actually care for someone? But, I'm not supposed to. It's not in my contract. That bizarre feeling I had, I in a way liked it. I've never felt that way ever since then. I guess you could say that was my first and last time.
Everyone's gone. They're living a normal worry free life. They're not like me. No one would really understand what its like. How do you think I feel? Here I go again. How do you think I feel this, I feel that? I'm starting to annoy myself. It seems that I am breaking. No more 'perfect soldier'. I shouldn't care, and that's just the way things are.
I saw Duo the other day. He looks very happy from what I can tell, but isn't he always happy? He was with that girl, Hilde or something. There are just so many questions running through my head. I thought I knew myself, but I guess I'm more complicated than I first thought.
I have something in my hand. It's a gold heart locket. I'm sure you know whom it's for. I saw and thought of her. I think I'm getting a conscience. I don't like it. Why can't it just leave me alone? I can feel the corners of my lips twitching. It's almost like that feeling before, but not quite as strong. Guess what Dr J. You failed. That's it. I can't take it any more. These feelings are so foreign to me.
Here I am. I guess the only thing to do is go inside. She's probably busy. Why am I doing this? I don't want to. My head is saying no, but my heart, my heart is saying yes. I didn't even know I had a heart. I told you I was more complicated. I feel, feel there's that word again. I wish to banish it to the edges of the universe. Damn it! I know where my war is. It's going on inside of me. It has been forever. A never-ending war, what more could I ask for?
Here I am, my feet moving with out me. It's like they are controlling themselves, which at the moment I think highly possible. I tried to stop myself but to no avail. Pagan answered and looked very surprised. It was actually amusing. You know, I don't think anyone cannot not have emotions. I'm guessing I've always had them, except I kept them bottled up inside.
I think you would be dead if you didn't feel anything, but I am definitely dead in this world. There she is. It's Relena. I can see her back. I'm taking deep breaths, trying to control myself. She is staring out of her window. I go to say her name, but nothing comes out. It's just not working.
Oh well, no need for that. She already turned around. My mind is going crazy. At this instant, the only place I wish to be is behind the controls of my Gundam. I had more control than I do here. I don't like these so called feelings. I want to turn back time, and be back to my normal self. The one who would self-destruct to make sure the mission is accomplished and carried out.
My Gundam. The Wing Zero. That's where I want to be. But, I can feel, that word! I hate using it. I hate the thought of it, but I know I would be lying to myself if I didn't say I feel the same way I did one year ago. There go the corners of my lips again, they're twitching, but I hold it back. I don't want to be like this. Or, would I be better off if I allowed myself these things?