1. Moon Lovin'
It was a beautiful spring morning. Outside, the birds were chirping, the bees were buzzing, and all the furry animals were busily engaged in ritualistic mating behaviors. Suddenly, the animals grew silent and clouds drifted over the sun, blocking the cheery sunlight. And inside the Peacecraft mansion, Dorothy Catalonia woke up and opened her eyes...
Dorothy strode through the house, her boots making clicking noises against the cold tiles. She slowed down and stopped in front of a set of double doors. Narrowing her eyes, she gingerly opened the door and tiptoed inside. Any sound her boots might have made were muffled by the bedroom's carpeting. She silently walked to the bed and stared at the silent figure within it. Smiling evilly, she went to the footboard and carefully climbed on top of it. She looked at the sleeping figure one last time before jumping on top of it.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" Quatre cried as something landed on him.
"I am Sailor Moon!!!!"
Quatre opened his eyes and stared in shock at Dorothy's face (which was hovering about 3 inches above his). He squirmed under the weight of her body. He stopped squirming after he noticed the expression in her eyes. He stopped breathing.
"I'm the name of the Moon," she whispered huskily, "I shall punish you." She smiled predatorily. "Grrrrrrr." She slapped him softly across the face with one of her odango'd pigtails. Quatre passed out in horror.
2. The Breakfast Incident
It was an ordinary morning. All the gang, except for Heero, Quatre, and Dorothy, were gathered around the table eating breakfast. Wufei sat hunched over his bowl, slowly eating his bran flakes and glaring suspiciously at Duo. The afore mentioned God of Death, meanwhile, was happily working on a maze on the back of his Fruity Pebbles box. Relena, more nervous than usual, sat as far from Duo as possible and read the paper while drinking her coffee. Trowa was morosely staring into his glass of water, futilely trying to catch glimpses of his (beloved) reflection.
"I wonder where Heero is," Duo wondered aloud. Upon hearing his voice, Relena squeaked and hunched down behind her paper. Duo looked at her in annoyance.
'Oh please,' he thought. 'I would have to be seriously drugged up to even consider having any interest...er, never mind.' And on that note, Duo got up and walked into the kitchen to take his medication.
A second after Duo left, Heero walked into the room. He was wearing snap-on warm-up pants, his customary green tank top, a black windbreaker, and a bowler hat. Everyone looked up and idly greeted him individually. Relena briefly wondered why he was wearing a hat, but quickly dismissed the thought as she became engrossed in a fascinating article on Elian Gonzalez.
Heero stood in the doorway and coldly surveyed the room. Wordlessly, he walked up to the table, grabbed the table cloth, and pulled it of. Dishes and food were scattered everywhere. The table's occupants stared at him incredulously. Their shocked silence, however, eventually gave way to indignant exclamations.
"My coffee!"
"Pookie!"
"Injustice!!!"
Heero silently stared them down until they all stopped speaking. Walking up to Duo's vacated chair, Heero stepped onto it and then onto the table. He clapped his hands. Instantly, the room's lights turned off and all the window curtains closed by themselves. Heero snapped his fingers. He was instantly illuminated by one lone spotlight. He stared at them wordlessly, his face expressionless and cold. Then suddenly....he smiled. Wufei whimpered softly. The music began...
Everyone's jaws dropped as Heero began gyrating to the strong beat.
Baby, take off your coat. Real slow....
Heero slowly took off his coat, all the while leering at the audience seductively. He tossed it and it landed on Trowa's head. Trowa debated for a few minutes before deciding to take it off.
'I should watch,' he thought to himself. 'Blackmail fodder.' An evil grin appeared on his face. He slowly drew a digital camcorder from underneath the table. He had been using it earlier to take pictures of his beloved's beautiful face. He nonchalantly began recording.
Heero, in the meantime, had been gazing seductively at Relena. She, in turn, had a small rivulet of drool coming out of the left side of her mouth and her eyes were oddly glazed over. Heero slowly licked a finger and touched his arm. He drew his finger back, as if burned. He closed his eyes and slowly drew his head back, his mouth wide open in simulated pain. Relena whimpered.
Baby, take off your shoes...
Heero strutted down the long table, his hips swaying, and stopped in front of Wufei. Wufei had put Heero's discarded jacket over his head and was loudly praying to his beloved Nataku.
"Tsk, tsk," Heero murmured. He threw the jacket off of Wufei's head and smiled coquettishly at the Chinese pilot. He put his right foot on Wufei's shoulder.
I'll take off your shoes.
Wufei stood up, screaming. He ran for the door but was stopped short by a bullet. He stared at the hole that had once been the door knob for a second before turning around and facing Heero. Heero smiled flirtatiously and pointed to Wufei's chair with the gun. Shoulders drooping, Wufei sat back down. Heero walked back to the center of the table.
Baby, take off that dress. Yes, yes, yes...
Heero ripped off his shirt (literally) and posed dramatically under the spotlight. Wufei closed his eyes tightly and began sobbing.
"Yes!!" Relena screamed as she fanned herself frantically with her newspaper. Trowa merely smiled at the camera.
You can leave your hat on. You can leave your hat on.
You can leave your hat on.
Walking back to Duo's vacant spot, Heero grabbed Shinigami's chair with one hand and hauled it onto the table. The chair landed on the table with a decisive clunk. Instantly, the lone spotlight was joined by blinking green and red lights as well as a disco ball.
Go over there and turn off the lights. Hey, all the lights.
Heero stepped onto the chair and thrust his arms in the air, pointing them at the ceiling.
Come over here...stand on that chair.
Raise your arms up in the air. Now shake them.
Heero waved his arms slowly and swayed back and forth. Lowering them, he wrapped them around his body, stepped back onto the table, and began chair dancing. After a brief interval of this, he walked over to Relena and stood in front of her, his legs planted wide apart. Relena looked up at him expectantly.
You give me reason to live.
Heero fingered the waistband of his pants.
You give me reason to live.
Relena's eyes widened.
You give me reason to live.
Heero grinned mischievously.
You give me reason to live!
Heero pulled off his snap-on pants, revealing his black thong. Wufei, who had chosen this exact moment to open his eyes, screamed in horror. Relena screamed as well, clutching her heart, as her abnormally wide eyes stared at the gyrating sight that was exactly at eye level.
Sweet darling, you can leave your hat on. You can leave your hat on.
Heero began strutting toward Trowa's end of the table.
You can leave your hat on.
You can leave your hat on.
Trowa was frowning down at the camera. He was deciding whether or not to take some crotch shots.
You can leave your hat on.
You can leave your hat on.
Noticing Heero's approach, Trowa yelped and quickly hid the camera.
You can leave your hat on.
Heero stopped in front of Trowa and began dancing. Trowa, overcome in horror and embarrassment, hid his face behind his bangs.
Suspicious minds are talkin'. They're tryin' to tear us apart.
Angered by Heero's inattentiveness, Relena jumped onto the table and strode up to Heero. Grabbing him by the back of his underwear, she dragged him back to her side of the table.
They don't believe in this love of mine.
Heero turned around and smiled seductively at Relena.
They don't know what love is.
Relena began stuffing dollar bills down Heero's underwear.
They don't know what love is.
Heero grasped her around the waist. Hypnotized by the look in Heero's eyes, Relena put a leg around his waist. They began dancing dirtily.
They don't know what love is.
Trowa smiled and zoomed in.
They don't know what love is!
Heero slowly lifted Relena's other leg around his waist. Carefully going down on one knee, he lowered her onto the table top in front of Trowa and Wufei's chair. He stood up and slowly reached for his hat.
I know what love is.
Carefully situating it over his groin area, Heero tugged on his thong. It tore off with an elastic "snap."
You can leave your hat on.
Heero threw it away. Under the table, Wufei noticed a black scrap of cloth fall within reaching distance. He curiously picked it up.
You can leave your hat on.
Upon realizing what he was holding, Wufei screamed and threw it away frantically. He stared at his hands in horror.
You can leave your hat on.
"Hey guys, someone took all my Prozac!" Duo exclaimed as he burst into the room. Upon seeing the tableau before him, he stopped short.
You can leave your hat on.
Heero threw off his hat. It landed on Duo's head.
You can leave your hat on.
Heero threw back his head, eyes closed, and raised his arms up in the air once more.
You can leave your hat on!
The music died away, leaving an eerie silence. The lights came back on simultaneously. Heero opened his eyes slightly and peeked at his audience. Relena had passed out, the scenes from her table top view having overwhelmed her senses. Duo had passed out in horror near the open doorway. Wufei was cursing from under the table. Trowa was looking at something in his lap.
"Damn it!" Trowa yelled. "The batteries died."
Heero smirked. "Mine doesn't need batteries."
"Help!! AAAAAHHHH!!!" All eyes (well, those who were conscious) turned towards the open doorway in time to see Quatre run by in his night clothes with Dorothy, in some sort of Halloween costume, riding piggy back. She was whapping him with some sort of short stick thing.
"Moon Healing Activation!" she yelled. Their voices faded as they drew farther away.
Heero huffed angrily. "Prima donna," he muttered as he got off the table. Muttering, he picked up his pants and walked out of the room naked.