DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of it's characters. I don't
even own my car so don't sue me*_*
BY: Lara_Winner
SONG BY: Staind
You take away
I feel the same
Heero Yuy watched as the sleek black limo pulled to a stop in front of the
Peacecraft estate. His eyes studied the young lady who exited the limo with a
blazing intensity. His duty was done now that she was safe in the confines of
her lavish home. His mouth twisted ironically. She would never be safe, not as
long as she had this perverse effect on him. She had too much control over him.
She was something he would never understand. His confusion was still foremost in
his mind when it came to her.
You take away
I feel the same
He turned and in the fading sunlight's shadows made his way to take his position
right below her balcony. His mind still fought with the familiar topic of
Relena. What was he confused about? It was so simple; he was to protect her.
Anything else was not his concern or his problem. So why did it bother him that
she hadn't been herself these past weeks? She seemed distant and shut off from
everything. This was a side of Relena he'd never seen before. And he was
definitely getting
the message that he was at the center of all this. Not my concern, he
reprimanded himself firmly.
All the promises you made to me were made in vain
I lost myself inside your tainted smile again
His eyes narrowed and he cursed silently. It was too late to fight it. She was
his concern in every sense of the word. She was his concern ever since she
forced her way into his life, into his heart. His anger rose along with his
fear. He didn't want this and he didn't need this and now he was forced to admit
it hurt that she was pushing him away. How could she? She promised she'd always
be there. She made him her goal and she didn't stop till she had him right where
she wanted him. Now she was turning her back on him. Damn her!
He tried to block her face out of his mind but he couldn't. He could see her
deep blue eyes and her charming smile. That smile was his downfall. Her smile
had given him hope and faith. And now that hope and faith was fading as quickly
as the setting sun.
You can feel my anger
You can feel my pain
You can feel my torment
Driving me insane
He was slowly falling back into the hell she had carried him out of. He was
tearing himself to pieces trying to figure out why she doing this to him. Maybe
she was playing a sick game with him. He didn't know. All he did know for sure
was that being this close to her and yet having
her so far away was killing him. If only she could feel his torment then she
would understand just how much of him she had conquered. But she would never
understand what it had cost him to let her in.
I can't fight these feelings
They will bring you pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again
And now that she was inside his heart she was even more dangerous than before.
She had the power to destroy him with just a few well-chosen words if she
wanted. And from her actions lately those words might be spoken soon. He didn't
know what he did to make her act this way
towards him. He'd only done what she wanted from the beginning, he'd finally
learned to love and trust her. Why else did she think he risked his life for her
and why else would he stay on earth other than to be near her? She wasn't a
stupid girl so she should have figured it out. What did she need him to do spell
it out for her?
Of course he held the power to do as much damage also. It was so easy for him to
destroy things that sometimes he hurt the ones he wanted to help. He was capable
of doing more harm to her than good. He hated to admit it but she would be safer
if she pushed him away. He would rather be the one to suffer since suffering was
a constant companion of his anyway.
I feel betrayed
Stuck in your ways
In the darkness he decided it was safe to change his post. With the skill of a
well-trained soldier he scaled the wall and effortlessly swung himself over the
balcony. Blending in with the shadows, he peered trough the glass doors into her
room. His eyes hungrily searched the dim room for her figure. He found her
standing by the side of her bed holding what looked like a picture.
He had been in her rooms several times with and without her permission. He had
committed every object she possessed to memory. He knew the picture she was
glaring at was of himself. He almost flinched as she began ripping the picture
to pieces. He could see the anger in every
movement she made. Strangely watching her brought to mind the day she'd ripped
up the card he'd given her for her birthday.
No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when she abruptly stood up and he
noticed in her hand was the bear he'd given her. He watched her walk to the
fireplace and he knew what she was going to do. He tried to keep his emotions at
bay as he watched her feed the bear to the flames. He was about to turn away
when he saw her lips move. He clearly made out the two words that were now going
to destroy him.
'Goodbye Heero'
How could she do this to him? Hadn't he done enough to satisfy her? What did he
do wrong? He felt lost as the questions invaded his mind. His gaze was locked on
her figure still staring blankly into the flames of the fire. His heart twisted
painfully as her shoulders began to shake slightly from the force of her tears.
He hated to see her cry but at the same time he felt justified that this was
hurting her too.
You rip me apart with the brutal things you say
I can't deal with this shit anymore I just look away
He closed his eyes trying to block out the sight of tear stained face. He knew
better than to ever trust her. He certainly knew better than too ever love
anyone. He learned his lesson well and he would never let anyone this close
again. The only person that he could depend on was himself. Dr. J had been right
when he'd said that love was just a chemical reaction in the brain and that
there is no true heart to a human. How ironic that this useless chemical
reaction was now costing
him his sanity.
His eyes snapped open at the sound of breaking glass. She had moved from his
line of vision and he could no longer see her. He tried to push forward as much
as he could with out stepping into the dim path of light cast from her room.
After a moment she appeared again and instantly his eyes locked on the blood
dripping from her hand. What the hell did she do?
Not thinking he rushed forward and began knocking furiously on the glass door.
Her head snapped up and her eyes were wide with surprise. He knew the exact
second she recognized him by the way her eyes narrowed as she leveled him with a
perfect copy of his own death glare.
"Relena, open the door!" he demanded.
"Go to hell!" she snapped.
He didn't have the patience to argue with her. His attention was focused on the
growing puddle of blood at her feet. Pressing down on the door handle he twist
the metal and the lock broke with a dull click. Her eyes widened as he pushed
open the door and she tried to pull away as he took hold of her and nearly
dragged her to her bathroom. He lifted her hand so he could see the wound in the
bright light only to have her jerk it away from his grasp.
"I don't need or want your help!" she said, her voice shaking with
suppressed anger.
"Relena." He said as the look in his eyes silenced any further
protest.
Reluctantly she placed her hand back in his. An awkward silence fell between
them. He noted the way she refused to meet his gaze the entire time he tended
her hand. He also noticed the way his body was uncomfortably alert to hers in
the confined space of the small room.
As soon as he was finished with securing the bandage she ripped her hand away
and stormed out of the bathroom. He knew the smart thing would be to leave. She
obviously didn't want him here and he wasn't going to humiliate himself by
trying to reason with her. Besides, he had a mission to complete and until all
threats were gone his job was to keep her safe. He started to return to the
balcony when her voice halted him mid-step.
"Why did you chose me as your mission?" she asked quietly, and when he
didn't reply her voice turned cold and she began to laugh bitterly as she
continued, "Silence as always. I should know better than to try and talk to
you."
"I have nothing to say." He replied trying to hide his rising anger.
You can feel my anger
You can feel my pain
You can feel my torment
Driving me insane
She turned to face him and the look in her eyes shocked him. They were empty and
cold just like his. He tried to look away but their pain held him captivated.
Slowly she closed the distance between them stopping about a foot in front him.
He froze fighting between the intense urge to touch her and the equally intense
desire to flee from her searching gaze. Softly she began to speak.
"I loved you, did you know that? I would have done anything just to see you
smile. I wanted to be the one to make you happy. I knew you needed something and
I thought if I just tried hard enough I could find it and give it to you. It
hurt me to see you suffering all the time. I wanted
to take the pain away but I can't can I?" she asked as the tears she fought
as she spoke began to fall.
I can't fight these feelings
They will bring you pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again
He closed his eyes afraid she would see what her words brought to the surface.
She had no idea how much he wanted it to be that simple. She was his light in
the darkness but he knew no one could ever be his salvation. Look what trying
had cost her. If he told her he loved her what would happen then?
"No one can help me Relena. I am what I was trained to be and I can't
change. I have no soul, just constant guilt." He replied trying with all
his might to keep his voice steady. He knew he was pushing her farther away yet
he couldn't help it.
"Then you were right, there is nothing left to say." She whispered.
You take away
I feel the same
All these promises
You promised only pain
If you take away
And leave me with nothing again
He felt the pain behind her words as if it were his own. He had hurt her again.
But this time she had hurt him too. They were destroying each other slowly, yet
what other choice did they have. He couldn't let her go. It was obvious from all
the times he'd left determined to forget about her only to return because he
needed her. She was far stronger than he was if she could break the tie that
bound them together.
Instantly his mind brought up a past image. They had been standing on her
balcony and she had smiled sweetly at him saying that should he ever need her
she'd be there for him. He'd remained silent knowing just being there with her
was enough. Now she was the one walking away. If he let her.
"Relena, I.." He began to speak but her sad voice cut him off.
"Don't say you're sorry. You can't make yourself care about someone. I want
you to be happy and I'm not the one who can give that to you, I know that now. I
need you to let me move on. If you don't need me then let me go, please."
She whispered.
"I can't Relena, I do need you." He said losing the fight to keep his
vulnerability out of his voice.
You will feel my anger
You will feel my pain
You will feel my torment
Driving you insane
Slowly he opened his eyes at her continued silence. She met his gaze directly
and he saw her try and hide her alarm. He felt the single tear slide gently down
his cheek. It wasn't a grand show of emotion but it was more than either of then
had ever believed him capable of. He wondered just how much of what he was
feeling she could read in his eyes. Under her steady gaze he felt exposed but
there was no point in hiding from her anymore. They were each other's downfall
and it was inevitable that they would break themselves. It was her choice to
accept him as he was or break their chains for good. Whatever she decided he
would abide. He was leaving himself open to her as she'd opened herself to him.
He knew she could read the mixture of fear, love, longing, confusion, and hate
in his gaze. Yet she didn't flinch from the violent storm of emotions inside of
him. Her own eyes were mirroring some of those same emotions.
I can't fight these feelings
They will bring you pain
You won't take away
I'll be whole again
Slowly she closed the space between them. Gently she reached up and brushed the
tear from his cheek. He shivered at the feel of her fingertips gently brushing
his skin. Her gaze still held the same intensity but there was something else
beginning to shine in its depth. He recognized the glimmer of hope that sparkled
in the deep sea of her eyes. The same hope she had given him.
"I've cried enough for the both of us." She said softly.
"I'll make you cry again." He whispered.
"I'm not asking for a fairy tale. Nothing is ever perfect or simple. Love
is as much pain as hate and I think we've fought both for too long." She
answered determinedly as a sweet smile slowly curved her lips.
Slowly she drew her hand away. By some unspoken understanding they didn't
need to be any closer. He knew without being told that this time they were where
they needed to be. The past was behind them and so were their fears. He would do
anything to keep the feeling that was filling him, the feeling of not being
alone, and the feeling of understanding. She was right, nothing is perfect but
somehow they had found this moment and it was definitely a new beginning.
A.N - Sorry it took me so long to get this out. I hope you like it cuz I really
put my heart in this one. Okay, please don't ask why they named the song 'Mud
shovel' because I have no clue. I felt this described Heero's story so well and
I just happen to love the song. Enough rambling from me I've got to get back to
work! Thanks a bunch, you guys are the best!!!!!!!!!*_*