Julieybolt@cs.com

Standard disclaimers...well, you know.


FORGOTTEN SOUL
Chapter Nine

Releena couldn't sleep.

It was raining outside; a cold, freezing rain that lashed against the windows
and kept her room permanently chilled.  The fire in the hearth did nothing to
counter the chill, both in the air and within her soul.  Her eyes were dull
with fatigue and lack of sleep, but sleep was impossible, now.  Not when the
words of  the boy she loved echoed harshly in her mind.

'I don't love you, Releena.'

'You're nothing but an obstacle.'

'Get in my way again, and I'll kill you.'

She sat before the dying embers, not seeming to care that the fire had gone
out and the temperature in the room was dropping rapidly.  Abruptly, her eyes
flicked to the well worn stuffed bear sitting on the mantle place.  She
quickly averted her eyes, as tears threatened to well up again, making her
vision blur and run together.

No one had ever hurt her like this.  When her father had been killed, she
thought that had to be the worst pain in the world.  When the Cinq Kingdom
had been destroyed, she felt an agony of loss and helplessness, for the lives
she was unable to protect.   But in a single breath, Heero Yuy had ripped her
heart from her body and crushed it beneath his cruel hands.  Releena had
never felt so betrayed, so violated, and wondered briefly if he had ever
loved her in the first place, or if it was just part of one of his infernal
missions.

'I feel too much, that's my problem,' she thought,  seeing in her mind all
the times people had hurt her.  Not surprisingly, Heero Yuy topped the list.  
'Maybe if I just stop caring, like Heero, I won't be hurt anymore.  If I
don't feel anything, no one will be able to touch me.'

She sighed, and rubbed a hand across her eyes.  She couldn't be like that.  
She was a delegate of peace, not a soldier of war.  She simply could not stop
caring for others, it went against everything she believed in.  Maybe Heero
could shut away his humanity, but it just wasn't in Releena's nature to
distance herself  from people who needed her.

'No.  I won't let Heero turn me into some unfeeling machine.  I can't be like
him.  I won't be like him; I'm needed here, and I can't let this situation
destroy the chance for peace.'

It was a lonely, sobering thought; that she was needed so much she could not
even be allowed to wallow in self pity and grief like any normal teenaged
girl whose heart had been broken.

'My life changed the day that I met him.'

'Do you regret it?' her mind whispered, playing back all the images of the
Perfect Soldier as she remembered him.  'Do you regret you ever saw that
unconscious boy lying on the beach that evening?'

She thought a long time before shaking her head.  'No.  I'll never regret my
time with Heero.  He taught me so much; he gave me the strength to do what
was needed.  I don't hate him; I could never hate him.'  The tears started in
her eyes again, but she forced them back.   'I just wish I could understand
him.  I thought I did, but....'  His cold, dagger like eyes came back to
haunt her, and she shivered.  'No!  I will not believe that was my Heero.  
Heero is cold and detached, but he isn't downright cruel.'    The memory of
Heero's empty face filled her mind and only strengthened her convictions.  '
Something has been wrong with him ever since he came back from the last
mission, and I have to find out what it is.  Even if he hates me, I owe him
that much.'

A quiet peace settled through her, and she shivered slightly, only now
beginning to feel the cold.  A blast of frigid air wafted in from her open
balcony, and she smiled as her heart began an uneasy thud.  Even with her
back turned and his unsurpassed infiltration skills, she knew he was in the
room with her.  His presence was unmistakable.

"Hello, Heero," she greeted softly, rising from her seat, turning to face him.

His cold, vacant eyes reflected the dying firelight as he stared at her
without expression, his face unreadable.  Something else caught the light of
the embers too, and drew Releena's attention to the gun he held in his hand.  
She watched without fear as he brought the weapon up until it was level with
her head, staring at her down the cold, black muzzle.  In the shadows of her
room, the silence was absolute.

A small, sad smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.  "Deja vu, Heero," she
murmured, breaking the silence.  A shadow of a frown crossed Heero's eyes,
and she shook her head at him softly.  "Don't you remember?"

In the light of the fire, she could see his face was not as coldly perfect as
before.  Sweat lined his brow, and he was shaking with suppressed pain and
emotion.  For a brief moment, she saw his jaw tighten with resolve, and
closed her eyes.  When the gunshot never came, she opened them again to see
Heero shaking his head, his eyes downcast, not looking at her.

"I can't."

She barely heard the choked whisper in the silence between them.  Heero
suddenly flipped the gun around so that the handle was facing her, still
looking at the floor as he waited for her to take it.  She took it gingerly,
and he whirled around but did not walk away.  With his fists clenched at his
sides, he stood there with his dark head bowed, gazing at the floor.  Releena
could see him trembling.

"End it."  His harsh voice cut through her.  Did he expect her to shoot him
in the back?  Releena felt her heart twist at the thought, and carefully
stepped closer to him.  

"Heero..."

"I am defeated."  He sounded as if he was forcing the words out, so choked
were they with shame and self loathing.  "I failed my mission.  The
punishment for failure is death."  His head came up as she stepped closer,  
but he didn't turn around.

Releena wanted to touch him, but his body was so taut, like a coiled wire
ready to snap, that she didn't dare.  "Heero," she murmured, "look at me,
please."

He didn't move at first, but then slowly turned to face her, resignation
glimmering in his eyes.  Releena gazed into those dark blue orbs, looking for
any trace of the boy she loved, but she couldn't get past the wall of agony
written all over his face.  Why was he hurting so much?  She couldn't see any
wounds, but the pain in his eyes was unmistakable.

"What are you waiting for?"

Releena almost flinched at his tone.  "I could never hurt you, Heero," she
whispered.  Heero's eyes stayed locked on her face as he narrowed his eyes.

"Don't be a fool."  His voice had taken on a harder edge, though Releena
could swear he was forcing it.  "We're enemies, Releena.  The New Romefeller
sent me to kill you.  If you let me go, I will come back and finish the job."

The New Romefeller.  "Is that who you're working for?" Releena asked.  Heero
didn't reply, but the look he gave her spoke more than words.  Finally,
'finally,' things were beginning to made sense, and  Releena was suddenly
furious at this new threat to the fragile peace.  But mainly because they had
obviously gotten to her Perfect Soldier and turned him against her.  She had
to get him back, somehow, before he ended up destroying himself, or both of
them.

"Heero, you don't work for the New Romefeller," she began.  "They've tricked
you, somehow; screwed around with your mind to turn you against us.  We're
your friends; don't you remember?"

Heero looked uncomfortable.  The sheen of pain in his eyes was getting
brighter.  "No," he muttered, furrowing his brow.   "My mission....my
mission.....is to destroy.....the enemies of the New Romefeller.

"No, it's not!  Think back farther, Heero!  You've got to remember us!"

"No!"  Heero whirled away from her, staggering towards the window he came in.

Releena blocked his way.  "Do you remember how we met, Heero?" she asked
desperately, while he glared at her like a trapped animal.  "Do you remember
how I found you on that beach, and that you were so afraid of me seeing your
face?  Do you remember the day I followed you to that ship, the day you
pointed a gun at me for the first time?"

Heero stumbled back, falling to his knees as his hands went to the sides of
his head. It made Releena's heart ache to see him like that, to know that she
was doing this to him.  But she pressed on, knowing that if she couldn't
reach him tonight, she would lose him forever.

"The day you self destructed Wing Zero was one of the worst days of my life,"
she went on,  biting her lip as she watched him writhe on the floor.  "Do you
remember that, Heero?  Remember your gundam, and all the battles you fought
with the others?  With Duo and Trowa and Quatre and Wufei.  They were your
partners; your comrades in arms.  The five of you fought so hard to establish
true peace."

"Releena..."  Heero's voice was almost pleading.  He was on his hands and
knees, breathing so hard Releena was frightened he would pass out.  Sweat
covered his body, and and tiny veins stood out on his temples.  He looked at
her suddenly, and she could see a glimmer of recognition beginning to show
through the haze of pain and emptiness.  He looked so vunerable at that
moment;  she wanted to throw her arms around him and tell him everything was
all right, and how sorry she was for hurting him.  But, he wasn't completely
in the clear yet, and Releena wasn't going to lose him when she was so close.
 She had to be certain.

"The battle with Zeches, do you remember that, Heero?  Do you recall what you
told me in the hanger that night,  just before you went to meet him?"

"That..."  Heero sucked in a ragged breath, gritting his teeth as he
struggled with his own private war.  "That I would....always....protect you."

Releena nodded, tears streaming down her face.  "And the battle with Marymei
Kushranada?" she whispered.  "On the last day aboard her vessel...what did
you say to me?"

Heero closed his eyes.  "That....I don't have to kill....anymore."  He
groaned and  hung his head even further.  "I remember."

Releena approached and knelt in front of him.  Heero rocked back on his
knees, flinching away from her, and stared at his hands.  He was still
shaking a little, but the tremors were gradually leaving him.  He still
wouldn't meet her eyes, and Releena watched as his hands suddenly curled into
fists.

"Don't you dare go blaming yourself, Heero Yuy," she whispered feircely,
knowing that was exactly what the Perfect Soldier was capable of doing.  
"This is no one's fault but the men who did this to you.  Do not put the
blame on anyone but them."

Heero rose, a bit unsteady, and turned away as Releena reached out for him.  
"Leave me alone," he muttered.   "I'm no longer a threat to you or the
Preventers.  Tell Noin I'll put in my resignation as soon as I rescue the
others."

"Heero Yuy!"  Releena blocked his way again.  "Why are you doing this?  You
can't face these people all by yourself."

"Releena, please...."  Heero sounded as if he was desperately clinging to the
last shreds of composure.  "Let me go."

"No," the girl whispered, and found the courage to reach out and stroke his
cheek, brushing the hair away from his eyes.  "You've been alone long enough,
Heero."

That did it.  Heero collapsed into her arms, crushing her to to him as he
buried his face in her shoulder.  Releena hugged him tightly, relieved beyond
words that she was able to bring him back.  Those few terrible minutes had
been torture for her as well as Heero, and she hoped to God that she wouldn't
have to put him through anything like that again.

"I never meant what I said," Heero whispered into her hair, his breath
warming her skin.  "That day in the office.....I didn't mean it.....any of
it...."

"I know, Heero."  Releena rubbed his back as he started to shake again with
the memory.  "I knew that wasn't you."

"......I love you, Releena."

"I love you, Heero Yuy, don't you ever doubt it."  Releena closed her eyes
and held him even tighter.  "No matter what."

***********************

Authors note
Whew!  One more chapter to go, I think.  I tried to make this one a little
longer, and I think the last one will be longer, as well.  Until then, y'all
have been great!  Keep the mail coming so I'm inspired to write the ending.  
( I know, I'm spoiled.  Can't help it, though.  ^_^  )
Ja ne,
Julie B.