Carousel

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Nor do I own songs by, promote or manage Enya or the music group Lifehouse.

A/N: This is the longest song fic I've ever written. After watching Endless Waltz over the weekend, I popped in my Lifehouse CD and cranked up the volume. When the song 'Sick Cycle Carousel' came on, this story idea jumped to mind. This fic takes place during the closing scenes of EW. After some revisions, I have finally finished! I hope you enjoy it!

Here are some quick references to help you through the story:

' ' Thought

" " Spoken word

< > Song lyrics

* Reference to the Blind Target Series that takes place between the GW TV series and EW.

(For translations on Blind Target try, http://www.gundamwing.net)

Carousel

'Heero, come back to me.' The soft voice had pleaded.

The darkness was just too overpowering, and he didn't have the strength to fight it. So he was content to let the void hold him in its embrace. 'Just a little longer.' For in the oblivion, he felt no pain, nothing.

But eventually, the light broke through the darkness.

*****************

Every part of his body hurt. Not the sharp stabbing pain type but the dull constant ache one feels after a battle. 'Battle? There was a battle. I destroyed the shielding and Wing Zero. Did I kill Mariemaia?' Too many questions were running around in his head.

Slowly, Heero opened his eyes. He had to blink a couple of times for his eyes to adjust to the bright overhead lights. Finally, he focused on the medical equipment surrounding him. 'A hospital? What in the hell I'm I doing in the hospital?'

Pushing himself up into a sitting position, Heero threw his feet over the side of the bed and started pulling off the wires and IV's attached to his body. When he pulled the wire for the heart monitor, the machine flat-lined, causing chaos.

Suddenly, someone appeared in the doorway to the room. "Mr. Yuy?"

Focusing on the young doctor, Heero threw him an icy glare. "Get me my clothes."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Yuy, but you're not going anywhere until after I have checked you over."

"Don't make me tell you again. Get me my . . ."

" . . . Miss, but you can't go in there!"

Heero watched as Relena came sliding to a halt behind the doctor. "Relena."

Relief crossed her face as she saw him sitting there. 'He's okay!' Since he had collapsed in her arms in the compound, she had been worried that things wouldn't turn out all right. "Heero."

Switching his gaze between them, the doctor cleared his throat. "Why don't I leave you two alone for a couple of minutes?" Turning his attention back to Heero, he added, "Don't get any smart ideas about having her sneak you out of here." Smiling to Relena, he walked back down the hall to the nurse's station.

Slowly, Relena walked into his room. He noticed that she still wore her diplomatic outfit and strands of her hair had come loose from the ribbon. The dark shadows under her eyes attested to the amount of stress that she had been under.

"How are you feeling, Heero?"

"I've felt better. Now, get me my clothes."

Relena just flashed him a faint smile. "I'm sorry, but I have to agree with the doctor. You had a dislocated shoulder, a mild concussion, and were unconscious for about 36 hours. I believe the doctor should take a look at you before we leave."

"Hn."

Edging off the side of the bed, Heero tried to stand, but a wave of nausea hit him. Unable to fight it, he slumped forward.

"Heero!" Relena jumped forward and caught him before he hit the ground. Her cry altered the doctor down the hall, and he came running into the room. Shaking his head, he helped Relena get Heero back into the bed.

"I thought we had this talk before I left the room." Sighing, he faced Relena. "Nausea is a common occurrence with concussions. However, due to the fact that he was knocked out, and this recent episode, I'm not going to release him any time soon. Let me go find a nurse to start him back on the IV's."

Relena didn't even notice the doctor had left the room; her eyes had been focused on Heero the entire time. "Heero, are you all right?"

Heero closed his eyes in disgust. 'A weakling! I've turned into a weakling. I can't even stand up on my own without help.' "I'm fine."

"Oh, Heero. I love you. I have been worried about you . . ." Relena regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. Not because she didn't mean them, but because of his reaction.

Upon hearing her say, 'I love you.' Heero had gone rigid. He turned as menacing gaze toward her.

Trying to find away to defuse a volatile situation, Relena began to walk backwards out of the room. "I think I'm going to . . .um . . .go grab something at the cafeteria."

"Relena?"

"Yes, Heero?"

"When you get to the door, just keep walking. Just go away."

Refusing to let him see how deeply he had hurt her, she said, "Well, if that's the way you want. Goodbye, Heero." Spinning on her heel, she headed toward the exit, with her head held high.

The tears she refused to let fall down her face blurred her vision. She started to walk faster the closer she got to the doors, until she was running out them. Relena sat down on a bench under the overhang to the entrance to the hospital, and let the tears fall.

The rain pounding on the sidewalk had a calming effect on her as the last few tears fell from her eyes.

"Relena?"

Gasping, Relena wiped her face and spun around to face Duo. "Hello, Duo. Have you come to check on Heero? He's doing just fine."

Duo looked down at Relena. Her eyes were puffy, red and dull. One small teardrop trailed down her left cheek. "Then why are you crying, Relena?"

Hanging her head, she replied in a defeated tone, "I give up Duo."

"You give up?" A puzzled look crossed Duo's face.

"I give up on him. I have tried to show him that I love him. I even came out and said the words to him today. But I should have known that I was fighting a losing battle. I'm tired of loving someone who will never be capable of returning the feeling."

"Look, Relena . . ."

Relena stood up and interrupted him. " I'm really tired, Duo. I've been here for the past 36 hours. I'm going home." She nudged him out of the way and began walking down the street.

<If shame had a face

I think it would kind of look like mine

If it had a home would it be my eyes?

Would you believe me if I said that I'm tired of this?

Well here we go, now, one more time . . .>

****************

To say Heero was surprised when Duo walked into his hospital room would have been accurate.

To say Heero was angry at Duo for planting a left hook in his face would have been an understatement.

As Duo shook his left hand, Heero sat up and yelled, "What the hell was that for!?"

Duo threw him an incensed glare and asked, "Did they also make your face out of steel when they created you? Or just your heart?" His stare grew colder as he added, "That was for Relena, because she is too much of a lady to do it herself."

Laying back down into the pillows, Heero closed his eyes and tried to ignore Duo's presence.

Duo took a deep breath. "Look buddy, I know that being stuck here is not your idea of fun. But did you have to take it out on her?"

"Hn."

"Fine. And to think, all of this time, I was supposedly the 'childish' one." Grabbing the jacket he discarded when he walked into the room, he headed toward the door. "I'll be back to pick you up when you're released. Maybe by then you will have come to your senses."

****************

Relena sat in her study; fingers flying across the keyboard of her computer as she finished the last minute touches on her speech. The ESUN had called an emergency summit after the failed rebellion by Dekim Barton. And after the summit, she had a tour of space to complete, which had been interrupted by her abduction.

"At last, I'm finally finished." Relena declared as she clicked the mouse, saving a full day's worth of work.

After a series of stretches, to work out her tired muscles, she grabbed her cup of hot chocolate and walked to the huge picture window in her office. The sky blue sweater and jeans were not her normal attire for work, but today they helped ward off the chill in the air.

Two days after Barton's defeat on Earth, it started to snow and didn't let up for 24 hours. She smiled as she looked over the Sanc Kingdom from her window. Everything had been blanketed in white, giving off a peaceful feeling and hiding the destruction caused by the latest battle on Earth. 'The Gundams' final battle.'

Giving herself a mental shake, she turned away from the window and found herself pacing the length of the room. For the past four days, she had tired not to let her thoughts wander to the incident in the hospital. 'It was hard enough the first time around, no need to relive it again and again.' But she couldn't help but think about it all of the time.

'If only I had kept my mouth shut.'

Duo had called her the previous day, informing her that Heero had been released from the hospital and would be staying at the Serenity Hotel for the next couple of days. To which she responded, while she appreciated Duo's call, she no longer concerned with Mr. Yuy's welfare.

'Not only was I lying to Duo, I was lying to myself.'

An abrupt knock on the door to her study jarred her from her thoughts. Stepping around the corner, Colonel Une appeared.

"The preparations for your trip have been made, Vice Foreign Minister Darlian. Under orders from the President, you are to have a Preventer escort on your tour of the colonies. He isn't taking any chances. The shuttle will be ready within the next hour."

Flashing Une a polite smile, Relena replied, "Thank you. I will be ready when you need me." Nodding in acknowledgment, Colonel Une left the room.

Relena walked back to her desk and with a heavy sigh collapsed back into her chair. Looking over the itinerary that the ESUN had faxed her earlier that morning, she came to the realization that she would be spending the next two months in space, not returning to Earth until it was over. Tossing the papers back on her desk, she leaned back and closed her eyes.

She knew that Heero wouldn't be waiting for her when she got back from her whirlwind trip. Sitting up straight, she pulled some stationary out of the top drawer from the desk and began to write.

Heero,

Since I will be unable to talk to you before I leave for the summit, let this letter stand as my Good-bye.

In the short time I've known you, I have always looked up to you. You have been able to teach me about true strength, bravery and courage. And what you have taught me about those three qualities, I have tried to use to make myself a better diplomat and person.

<'Cause I tried to climb your steps>

I'm sure you know that you've been apart of my life since the day we met. You've never been far from my thoughts. After you left me, once the last remnants of the White Fang where broken up and destruction of the Moon Base*, not a night has passed by that I haven't asked the stars where you were.

Unfortunately, my views on pacifism that brought you back to the battlefield and it was my beliefs of peace that nearly cost you your life. For that, I'm sorry.

When I first met you, Heero, you called yourself the 'Perfect Soldier'. Void of all emotions and feelings. I believed that during our, I guess you could call it friendship that I had helped you regain that part of yourself that you had lost: the ability to feel.

But I was wrong. Of all the people I have tried to help along the way, it hurt me to know that I had failed you most of all.

You will always be a part of me. Good Luck in the future.

Sincerely,

Relena Peacecraft Darlian

A single tear escaped and ran unchecked down her cheek. As she was folding the letter, the tear landed on the note, causing the ink to slightly blur. After carefully addressing the envelope, she placed the letter inside and pushed a button on the intercom.

A few moments later, Pagan, appeared in the doorway.

"You rang for me, Miss Relena?"

"Yes, Pagan." Placing the letter in his hand, she asked, "Could you please have this letter delivered for me?"

"As you wish."

Pagan turned and began to leave the room. Quickly, Relena followed him.

"Could you also connect Colonel Une and inform her that I'm ready to leave at her earliest convenience?"

"Certainly."

Turning away from her butler, Relena continued down the hall. With burdened shoulders, she climbed the stairs toward her bedroom to gather her things for the trip.

****************

Duo leaned against the doorframe of the sliding glass door that lead to the hotel's balcony. He kept his eyes focused on the man propped up against the cast iron railing.

'How long is he going to stand there?'

Heero knew that Duo was watching his every move. Because Duo hadn't let him out of his sights since he was released from the hospital. Sighing, Heero thought back to his behavior at the hospital and how he had treated Relena.

He had retaliated due to the fact that for the first time in his life, he was weak and had to depend on someone else for a change. A feeling that he wouldn't like to repeat. Unfortunately, Relena had been in the line of fire when he turned his anger loose. He hadn't heard from her since that day and wanted to tell her that he was sorry.

'But it's a hard thing swallowing your pride, isn't Heero Yuy?' the voice taunted him from the back of his mind.

Realizing they were getting nowhere by just standing there, Duo walked over to stand beside him, leaning his back against the railing.

"So what are you going to do now? I'm heading back to L2 tomorrow to meet up with the Sweepers. You're welcome to crash with me for a while."

"Hn."

"You know, you could always hop in a cab and go see her. She still loves you, even if you were an ass."

"Hn." Heero continued to stare out over the city. His face as cold as stone.

Exasperated, Duo threw his hands up in the air. "Could you let your hair down and be transparent for a little while, so the rest of us could see if you're human after all?!" (A/N: reference to another song by Lifehouse called 'Trying')

Duo strode back into the hotel, sank down onto the plush chair and turned on the TV. After a minute of flipping through the channels, he found a local news station. Noticing they were running a film clip of Relena boarding a shuttle, he stopped flipping and turned up the volume.

"In world news tonight, Vice Foreign Minister Relena Darlian left today for a two-month tour of the colonies. Her agenda covers topics from Earth/Colony labor relations to her recent dismissal of her total pacifist beliefs. The first stop on the tour will be the emergency ESUN summit called after the defeat of the Barton Rebellion. In other world news . . ."

Out of the corner of his eye, Duo had noticed that Heero had moved closer toward the open door, hoping to catch the news on Relena. Slapping his hands on his knees, Duo stood up and faced Heero. "Looks like you missed your chance buddy."

Before Heero could give Duo his reply with his fist, a knock at the door interrupted him.

Duo walked to the door, looked through the peephole and pulled the door open.

"Yea?"

"This letter was delivered for you earlier this afternoon, sir."

Plucking the letter out of the bellboy's hand, Duo said, "Thanks." Spinning around, he slammed the door shut in the guy's face.

Duo took one looked at the envelope and stopped dead in his tracks. In Relena's familiar handwriting, the address read:

Mr. H. Yuy

Serenity Hotel

Rm. 526

'Somehow, I don't believe that this contains any good news . . .Serves him right.'

Waving the letter in the air, Duo called to Heero. "Hey, Heero! You've got mail!"

The closer Heero came toward Duo, the wider Duo's impish grin got. As Heero tried to grab the letter, Duo pulled it back from his grasp. "Are you sure you want to read this?"

Heero glared at him, his blue eyes speaking volumes. "Duo, hand me the damn letter!"

Finally, Duo relinquished hold on the letter. Heero retreated to the privacy of the balcony before taking a look at the address. His eyebrows came together as he scowled at the envelope. Ripping it open, he pulled out the piece of paper and began to read.

Heero reread the letter, focusing on two major things: Relena was saying good-bye and she believed that she failed him.

His anger grew as his eyes flew to the closing line. '"You will always be a part of me. Good Luck in the future!" Was she thinking that I had completely removed her from my mind, like she was just some acquaintance? What was she . . .'

His mental tirade stopped when he noticed that some of the ink had bled into the paper. Rubbing his thumb along the word 'Sincerely', he realized the ink had spread like it would when it encountered water. 'Or a tear.'

<When will this end?

It goes on and on

Over and over and over again

Keeps spinning around

I know that it won't stop

'Til I stand down from this for good>

Cursing himself for a fool, Heero marched back into the room.

"Duo, call Colonel Une and get a copy of Relena's itinerary."

Duo flashed Heero a questioning look. "What makes you think the Preventers will have a copy of her schedule?"

"She was under a Preventer escort when she boarded that shuttle. They'll have a copy."

"So you're finally going after her?"

Several seconds ticked by before Heero said, "Yes."

Duo got to his feet and headed for the door, to go collect his things from his room. "It's about damn time." He muttered as he left Heero's hotel room.

****************

<I never thought I'd end up here

Never thought I'd be standing where I am

I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this

I guess I was wrong, now, one more time . . .>

"Peace is not something that is given to you. What is needed now are the hearts that will hope for a peaceful world, not just the principal or assertion."

Relena stood at the podium, her golden hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her violet eyes ablaze as she talked about peace. A peace she believed was attainable with the help of the masses.

Heero remained hidden by the green curtain, watching her as she continued her speech. He was still amazed with the way she could capture an audience and hold onto their attention. Everything about her spoke of elegance and courage. She said she had learned about courage from him, but she had taught him the true meaning of the word.

But the truth of the matter was that he was scared of her or more correctly, the emotions she stirred deep inside of him.

'I need to clear my head before I talk to her.' With that, he turned and left his perch in the auditorium.

Night had already blanketed the colony when Heero had stepped from the exit. Slinging his jacket over his shoulder, he walked down the busy road, oblivious to anything but his own thoughts.

He couldn't deny the fact that all of his thoughts were centered on her. They had always been that way since they met. Heero still remembered the defiant gazes she would flash as he threatened to kill her; over and over again. He never was able to pull the trigger. He now knew why; he loved her.

She held him on a pedestal, above everyone else. She looked up to him and he looked up to her. But even though, he sat on the pedestal in her eyes, she would always be on a higher pedestal then his own. For he was a lonely soldier, who had fallen in love with the princess of the world.

<'Cause I tried to climb your steps>

Though he left her after the Eve Wars, he had kept an eye on her. At first, he hid in the shadows, following her. He always knew of her whereabouts, what she had been doing, where she would go next. Even if he hadn't been following her, cloaked in darkness, he still had ways to look out for her.

He thought back to the Moon Base* and the kiss. He had kissed her, putting all of his feeling and emotions into one single kiss. A kiss that he still dreamed about; a kiss that promised so much more. But instead of coming out and saying the words, he let them hang in the speechless moment they shared before going their separate ways.

Then in the hospital, when she finally said the words he had been longing to hear, instead of telling her how he felt, he shut down, letting his cold demeanor speak for him. He had hurt her so badly. 'Duo was right. I was a jerk.'

Maybe he had been too much of a coward to come out and say the words, but he had tried to show her his feelings. The first time he had felt this emotion was when he had saved her from the falling rubble during her birthday celebration. Each time he had protected her, saved her, he was showing her how much she meant to him.

But maybe the saying, 'Actions speak louder than words' didn't hold true when it came to love.

Sighing, Heero turned his face to the sky.

'You're not the one that failed, Relena. I failed you.'

****************

Relena sat in the back of the limo, leaning her head against the cool glass of the window. While her escort, reread her itinerary for the next day out loud, her mind wandered.

'You were just seeing things. He wasn't really there. Just wishful thinking.' Relena thought, ignoring the monotone voice coming from beside her.

While she was conducting her speech, she had caught the slightest movement on the balcony out of the corner of her left eye. The green curtains swayed slightly, as if they had been moved back into place. Her heart told her that it was him, but her mind had been right. She was just seeing things.

<When will this end?

It goes on and on

Over and over and over again

Keeps spinning around

I know that it won't stop

'Til I stand down from this sick cycle carousel>

"Miss Darlian, have you been listening to a word I've said?" Her escort asked.

Turning her violet eyes in his direction, she tried to mimic one of Heero's famous stares. "No."

Huffing, the young woman became flustered. "I was informing you that once you arrive at the hotel. I will be posted outside of your bedroom door." She extended her hand and gave something to Relena. "Just push the button, and I will be alerted immediately that you require assistance."

Pocketing the device, Relena simply replied, "Thank you." And turned her gaze back to the window.

The hotel was only a couple of blocks from the site of the summit and soon the limo came to a stop under the canopy. Slowly, Relena emerged from the car, entered the hotel, and stepped into the elevator. 'I am going to take the longest, hottest shower ever recorded in history. Then maybe I will be able to get some sleep.'

The elevator doors opened at the penthouse level. Relena smiled to herself. 'The ESUN is pulling out all the stops on this trip. Maybe instead of that shower, maybe I'll break the record for the longest bubble bath.'

Leaving her escort in the living area, Relena headed for the bedroom. A huge king size bed sat next to the sliding glass doors of the balcony. She walked over and ran her hand across the bed. 'Down comforter, silk sheets and a perfect view of the colony. Now, if only . . .' She turned and headed for the bathroom. Up against the wall, was a sunken marble bathtub. 'I've died and gone to paradise.' Quickly, she retreated to the bedroom and gathered her things.

Fifteen minutes later, Relena was swimming in a pool of bubbles. Leaning back, she stretched out in the tub, her personal CD player singing the calming melodies of Enya. Her eyes drooped closed as the stress from the day eased out of her.

She was nearly asleep when a sudden noise, grabbed her attention. Keeping her eyes closed, Relena slowly reached under the towel and curled her hand around the gun.

With a sudden movement, Relena brought the gun around and opened her eyes. He was leaning up against the counter near the sink. His blue eyes rounded with surprise. Although she was the one with the weapon, he had her at a disadvantage, for she couldn't get up and escaped like she desperately wanted to.

"Heero."

"Relena."

"What are you doing in my bathroom?"

The constant drip of water from the faucet was the only sound in the bathroom, until Heero said, "I came to see if you were all right."

She narrowed her eyes. "I'm fine, thank you."

A strange silence hung between them as they each tried to figure out what to say next.

<This is a sick cycle, yeah

Sick cycle carousel

This is a sick cycle, yeah>

"Relena, could you please lower the gun?"

Gradually, she lowered the gun, finally setting it on top of the towel.

'That's one less obstacle that I need to worry about.'

'Tell me, am I dreaming? Is he really here or is he just a figment of my imagination?'

"Heero, could you please turn around?"

"Hn." He slowly spun around and faced the wall.

Even through the steam on the mirror, he could make out her figure as he watched her get out of the bathtub. She was perfect; it was like she had walked straight out of his dreams. Finally she wrapped herself in a terry cloth robe. Pulling the collar of his jacket away from his neck, he thought, 'Boy, did it just get warm in here?'

Her retreating footsteps brought him out of his daze. Turning, he saw her practically run out of the bathroom. He followed her into the bedroom.

Whipping around, with her hands on her hips, she asked, "Why are you still here, Heero? As you can see I'm doing just fine. I have a guard right outside of this door, so there is no need for you to linger any longer."

Sighing, Heero ran his hand through his hair in frustration. 'This isn't going the way I had planned.'

Relena turned her back to him, placing a hand on the dresser to steady her. Her voice barely above a whisper, she said, "Heero, please, just leave."

"No, Relena. I can't do that." Grabbing her shoulders, Heero spun her around to face him. Holding her at arms length, he said, "These past few days have been nothing but hell for me. I have struggled with myself over the way I treated you and I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused."

Squeezing her eyes shut, hoping to regain her composure, she tried to pull away from him.

"Relena, my life is so empty without you in it. You are my strength, hope, and peace. I need you. Relena, I . . . I love you."

He stood there, staring at her, hoping for some sign, anything to let him know that he had reached her.

"Relena, please, look at me." His deep voice pleaded.

Slowly, she opened her eyes and stared into his deep Prussian blue ones. Her vision somewhat blurred as the tears escaped.

Cupping her face in his hands, he ran his thumbs across her cheeks, wiping away the teardrops.

"I love you, Relena."

"I love you too, Heero."

Gathering her in his arms, he held her close to his heart. Placing his thumb beneath her chin, he tilted her face up toward his. Heero smiled down at her and then he lowered his mouth to hers.

<When will this end?

It goes on and on

Over and over and over again

Keeps spinning around

I know that it won't stop

'Til I stand down from this for good>