"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal upon your arm;
for love is as strong as death, its jealousy as unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.
--Song of Songs 8:6-7

Heero Yuy remained on the ledge just outside the window, torn through the heart. For what seemed like the hundredth time in the last seven months, he was wracked with indecision. He couldn't move; he remained frozen on the window ledge, unable to budge forward or backward, toward Relena Peacecraft or back to his solitary life of observation. He didn't know what to do; his heart and his mind were subject to two opposing pulls.

His mind, the Perfect Solder, screamed, "Get out of here now! Discovery is not an option! Immediate tactical retreat!"

His heart, Heero Yuy, cried, "Go to her! She needs you! She loves you!"

"Heero, why? Why won't you come back to me?"

He winced. The sound of Relena's whispered pleas and lonely tears cut him like a laser blade. She was still crying softly in her bedroom, not ten feet away from him. He gritted his teeth; the only sound that emerged from him was a small, choked sigh. Please, God, what do I do?

Heero had no idea what to do in that moment. It was the same--the same as he'd been almost a year ago, so wracked with despair that his mind could not function, that he couldn't see past the moment he was in. Back when circumstances had stripped away what few strands of humanity he could grasp, undermining his already-strained sense of self and worth. The Genesis Company had made him a thing to be reviled, holding him up for mockery before the world. He felt that way now, again, unable to choose the best course of action, unable to see a way out. Nothing was clear.

He tried to steel himself against her sobs, but the gundanium shell he'd built around his heart could not stand up to the beating her tears gave it. It gave way like rusted tin. It was all his fault--again, he was the cause of her suffering. Go or stay...whatever he did, he still hurt her.

But...it couldn't hurt to see her one last time...could it?

Or would it only be worse for her...and for him? He was more stable now than he'd been seven months ago. He could speak to her. He could apologize. He could...say goodbye.

No...it would only hurt her more to return now, to give her a glimpse of him and then wrench it away. That would be cruel.

But when his mind sought to leave, his muscles refused to respond. Instead, he found himself leaning around the windowsill, ever so slightly, to peer at her from the night.

She was barely eight feet away, facing slightly away from him, standing over the bassinet where her son slept. Where their son slept. She still cried softly, her face turned down, her tears falling like liquid crystals into the baby's bed, lit by the light from the hall.

It was the first time he'd seen her so close in months; he could see details he couldn't from a distance. She hadn't changed...and yet she had. Her hair was just a bit longer, and her face seemed thinner, more drawn. Her body, a dim shadow through the nightgown by the hall light, was still rounded with the curves of recent pregnancy that had yet to fade. Her hands gripped the edge of the bassinet tightly, white-knuckled, as slim and delicate as he remembered. The gentle grace that marked her movements was still there, but hidden by her grief and stillness.

He gazed at her for uncounted moments, just drinking in the view of her, so near after so long. The moment his eyes had fallen upon her, he knew it was a mistake. He could never escape now. The Perfect Soldier's last protests faded at the sight of her; the pounding of his heart drowned out any thoughts, and he found himself crouched on the windowsill in plain view, still staring at her. His lips parted, seemingly of their own accord, and three blessed syllables passed from them in the faintest of whispers.

"Relena..."

Relena's heart leaped suddenly at the whispered voice she thought she'd never hear again, not in a thousand years. Soft and dusky, the sound of her name spoken by that voice was filled with hope and despair, with completeness and brokenness, with fulfillment and longing. Her head jerked up like she'd been pulled by a string, her eyes flashing wildly as she sought the source--and there, crouched in the window like a hunting cat, was the one in all her hopes and dreams she thought she'd never see again.

"Heero...?"

She was frozen, still as a startled deer. She could only stare as he stepped to the desk beneath the window, and then to the floor, drawing himself up straight. He was taller, broader...just a bit...and his hair was slightly shaggier than she remembered. She could barely see his face. It was half-hidden in the shadows, nearly unreadable in the darkness and blurred by her own tears; he seemed tired, almost haggard, but the emotionless mask was there and he seemed like a statue.

Is it really him? Is this a dream? Or have I finally gone mad?

"Heero? Heero...is it you?" Her voice was choked, broken, as she took a halting step. Her hands reached out, trembling, and she faltered toward him. Her emotions ran so high she felt dizzy and faint; she reached...and felt cloth. A jacket. Reflexively, her hand gripped and held on.

Warm hands brushed her arms, then her shoulders, as if he couldn't decide to touch her or not. He hesitated, then kept his arms at his sides. "Relena..."

Pressed against his chest, her name spoken more loudly, the vibration of his voice tingled through her and she knew, utterly certain, that this was Heero. This was the one she had waited so long for. "Heero...Heero..." She held on to him and cried--deep, wracking, painful sobs that made her previous tears seem like nothing. All she could do was cry his name, burying her face in his chest.

After she had spent her tears against his rigid form, she managed to calm herself, her heart still pounding with relief. "You came," she said tearfully, her cheek still pressed to his chest. "You came...to see Kanya..."

With an intake of breath, he tensed. Startled, she drew back to look up to his face, confused. Suddenly, he was withdrawing from her, taking long steps backward. She could see his eyes; they were tortured, dark.

Heero remembered why he'd left. He remembered why he'd come. He remembered why he had to leave again. "Relena...I can't..."

He took a single step towards the window.

Relena gasped, reaching for him again. "No--no, don't go!"

Torn, he stared at her, his face shifting through faint shadows of emotion, all of them hidden behind a strained blank mask. "I can't stay."

"Why? Why?" she demanded, her eyes filling with tears again. "Why won't you stay?"

Why? Why can't I just walk away again? It was so easy before...why can't I leave now? He wrestled with himself as he tried to reply. "I don't...want...to hurt you." Why is this so hard?

"It hurts more when you're gone."

He winced, almost unnoticeable. She came close, as if to touch him, but when he flinched away she paused, gazing at him. Was he actually...trembling? "Heero?"

He finally found the strength to meet her eyes. "You know what I am."

She nodded, a look of defiance crossing her face. "You're the man I love."

"No...yes...I..." He broke off, struggling. She loved him. She had told him that so many times. When did I last tell her I love her? "You love me, but..."

"But...?"

"You shouldn't." His voice was rough with forced harshness.

Relena threw back her head in defiance. "I don't care--Heero, I love you! I don't care about danger. I don't care what anyone thinks about you. I don't even care if you don't love me anymore--!"

She was cut off when he pulled her to him, crushing her to his chest so quickly it startled her. He held on to her almost too tightly, and she could feel that he really was shaking. "I love you," he said, his voice low and rough. "I do love you. God, I love you so much it hurts, and that's what's killing me..."

"Heero..." She felt her tears spring anew as she put her arms around him again, trying to comfort. "Why won't you stay with me?"

"Because, Relena...I'm all wrong. I'm the opposite of everything you believe in..." The words tumbled out of him as he clung to her; she held him and listened with her heart wide open. "I'm a soldier--a killer. I've done so many horrible things. I've been through so much...caused so much hell..."

"Heero, don't--"

"I'm covered in blood, and I've smeared enough on you. I don't..." He took a deep breath, his eyes drawn to the bassinet behind her. "I don't want...Kanya to... I'm not... I shouldn't..." Never good with words, he ran out of the means to express himself, faltering to a halt.

"Are you afraid, Heero?" Relena asked softly, her cheek pressed to his chest. She had never known him to be like this--save once. He was the same as he had been their first night together, so broken and confused. She'd asked him the same question then, too. "Are you afraid to be loved? Is that it? Do you think you're not worthy of love?"

"I..." Heero gritted his teeth. "Yes. I'm not what he needs. I'm not good enough to be his father--"

"But you came anyway, didn't you? You are his father and you will always be his father," Relena said, her voice filled with tears once more. "If you didn't care enough to care that way..."

"I'm afraid," he confessed in a whisper. "I don't want him to be like me."

"He'll be like you," Relena murmured, causing him to draw away with a soft, pained rasp. "He will!" she asserted, holding on to his sleeve. "He'll have your strength, your determination...your heart. I want him to be just like you. Maybe he won't be a soldier like you, but...he'll be strong and good and dedicated to peace."

"But if he knows me he'll--"

"He'll what--turn into you?" Relena demanded. "Don't be silly. Unless you plan on training him like you were--"

"No!"

"--he'll be a perfectly normal little boy. And it'll be so much better for him if you're here."

"I might...I might..." He stuttered, searching for the right word. "...taint him."

"Don't be ridiculous. Do you know what it's like for a little boy to grow up without a father?" Relena whispered. "Think, Heero."

His Perfect Soldier disguise was stuck at half-mast. He was running out of arguments; she was stripping away his defenses yet filling him with more strength than he thought possible. Just like that day... "Relena, please. Knowing what I am...I still...did this to you. I was so selfish...I didn't think--"

She drew back and silenced him with her fingers to his lips. "Heero, you did not do anything to me. Pregnancy is not a disease. A baby is not a wound you can inflict on me. Kanya is as much my doing as he is yours."

"But you're so important to the world...to everyone. I shamed you in their eyes--"

"Shut up." She pressed herself to him again. "Just shut up. I don't care about the world right now. You and Kanya are the only ones who matter to me."

"I know..." He pulled back, despite her grip. He seldom talked this much, and certainly not about his own feelings, not even during their nights long ago. Relena was eloquent in her expression even through her emotion and tears, but it was making Heero raw to be so open. "I know that, and I keep wondering why you love me. Even though you know who I am...what I am...you still love me. In spite of me."

"No," Relena whispered. "Because of you."

Apart from her, he stood and looked at her, barely able to meet her determined gaze as she stared right back. His resolve trembled; he could not be certain of anything any more. There was only the powerful, heart-wrenching desire to stay with her, to be near her, to hold her in his arms as he had in that weak moment a few minutes ago. But there was also the awful, gut-churning fear that if he stayed, he would drag her--and Kanya--into Hell with him.

"Relena, I just can't..." His voice caught, surprising him. He wasn't going to cry, was he? Since when had he become so weak? Why was he so very, very afraid to stay? The responsibility of caring for one single, tiny new life was more staggering, more overwhelming, more impossible than any mission he'd ever been given. He didn't trust himself not to screw up; he couldn't let himself ruin his son's life with the shadows of his own.

"Heero." She reached out for him as he drew back toward the window, desperate to catch hold of him before he disappeared again. "Heero...Heero, no...!" Her mind raced for something, anything, to make him stop leaving. "Heero, you touched Kanya, didn't you?" she demanded.

He froze, one hand on the windowframe.

"You touched him," she continued, so close to him now but not daring to touch him; it might frighten him away. "You felt it then, didn't you? You felt love. Even if you never understood love before in your life, you knew it when you touched your son."

Heero remained frozen, head lowered. "Yes."

"How can you abandon something like that?" she asked, so soft even he had to strain to hear.

"I thought...I could never feel more for anyone or anything when I fell in love with you," Heero responded, still not facing her. He had to dig deep to find the right words. "I thought I didn't have room inside for any more. You're...so much. But I held him...I just looked at him, Relena...and I thought my heart would burst because I was so full of something..."

"It felt wonderful, didn't it?" She smiled faintly, even though he didn't see. "Kanya feels it too. He knows you love him. He smiled for you, didn't he?"

He turned to look at her, a faint smile just brushing the corners of his mouth. "He did."

"Don't take that away from him," Relena begged.

Heero took a deep breath, wavering. "I don't know what to do," he confessed. "I'm scared of this. It's...it's too big for me to hold inside. It's too...pure for me to touch..."

"Stop running, Heero." Relena took hold of his arm to turn him around. "Stop running away from who you were. Stop running away from who you are. Stop running away."

"Relena--"

"I was scared too, you know?" she continued, holding his wide eyes with her own tear-filled ones. "I was scared to death. For months, I was scared. Then Trowa told me you were still near, watching over me. And I wasn't scared any more, because I knew I wasn't alone. I knew you were with me, and that you still cared. I'm not afraid." She touched his cheek, felt him twitch. "You need to stop being afraid. I'm here. I'm with you now. We can do it. Whatever you're scared of, we can face it together."

"I'm scared of...being alone, but I'm...more afraid of...hurting the ones I love."

"Don't be. You can't hurt me. You could never hurt me--or Kanya." Relena released his sleeve suddenly, startling him. She stepped back, standing beside Kanya's bassinet as the baby slept. "Will you stay with me--with us, Heero?"

Heero stood beside the window, torn. He rocked back and forth, half a dozen times heading one way or the other. But her words came back to him--he had to stop running away from who he had been...and who he could be.

Something else flashed throug his mind; what she'd said to him that night long ago, the first night they'd made love--she'd told him he had to be brave enough to make a choice. He had to have the courage to say, "I love you," and face everything that those words meant.

He had faced hundreds of catastrophes during the war, and courage had had nothing to do with it. He had simply done it because he was cold and empty and obeyed orders. He had not cared. Now, faced with the powerful yearning to be near Relena and the numbing concern that he would destroy the lives of his lover and child the way he destroyed everything else, he sought escape--as he always had before. Withdrawing from humanity, from life, rather than face it. A fearful boy concealing himself behind a mask of cold indifference, hiding away as only a Perfect Soldier can. Yes, he was afraid.

It was times like this that Heero realized how little courage he truly had.

But what he did have, he mustered--and turned away from the window. Her eyes widened slightly as he took one step toward her, then another. "Relena, can you help me...not be afraid?" he asked roughly.

"Heero...!" Her eyes overflowed again, and she practically ran to him, holding on to him once more. This time, he wrapped his arms around her instead of standing like a statue. This time, he was committed.

Heero held her tight, as if by keeping her there he could make them one. His eyes were shut tight and his jaw clenched; one arm encircled her slim shoulders and his other hand held her head close to his chest. He pressed his cheek to her soft hair, feeling her body shake with sobs once more. Why? Oh, God, why did I leave her? What made me leave her alone? "Relena, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Impossibly, he felt dampness on his cheeks--his own tears. He'd spent his life denying his emotions; he hadn't cried since he was very, very small--yet this young woman and her child had made him shed tears for the third time inside of a year. Only this time, instead of fear and anguish, they were tears of joy, peace, comfort, happiness.

Everything was okay now; she was in his arms again, where she belonged. Where they both belonged. How could he have walked away from this? Why had he been so afraid? He finally realized why it had been so impossible for him to simply ignore her and vanish as he had before. Seven months ago, he'd been a fool. He had not understood.

He still couldn't think. He couldn't see beyond this moment. As far as he was concerned, the future didn't matter. He was oh-so-tired of his burdens, but her warm embrace gave him rest. This was what he'd been missing for so long; the lack of it had made him empty. He could stop running. Finally, world-weary, he could lie down like a lamb. He had missed this heart-deep peace for so many long and lonely months...

He didn't know how long they stood there together, holding on so tight. He only knew that the turmoil and pain in his mind had eased, and her tears had finally abated. She just leaned against him, shivering slightly in the cold winter air still flowing in the window.

Relena's eyes widened when he pulled away and reached out towards the window again. She nearly grabbed him to keep him from leaving--until she realized that he'd grasped the pane and slid the window shut, symbolically locking himself in. She was just about to weep for joy and hug him again when the sound of heavy footsteps and a knock on the open door made them both whirl.

"Sorry to bother you, 'Lena, but would you happen to know what Hilde did with my--?" Duo Maxwell broke off mid-sentence, staring fixedly at the half-embracing pair beside the baby's bed. The God of Death rubbed his eyes, blinked, and rubbed them again. "Heero...is that you?"

"Who'd have thought someone like you
Could take a desperado like me?
But oh, here I am, as meek as a lamb,
With my bleeding heart there at your feet."
--from Billy Ray Cyrus, "Shot Full of Love"

Hi! This is the much-requested 3rd portion to Promise of Peace. I hope you enjoyed it! I know it seems disjointed and they do some talking that Heero normally wouldn't, but please bear in mind that this is a sequel to another story, in which some very serious things have happened. (You'll see once I finish writing it!) Our dear Perfect Soldier has changed a little bit--not much, but he's willing to share a little with Relena. (But beware--I may revise!!)

I was thinking maybe I should do a 4th part of PoP to give it some closure; you know, bring in the other characters and let 'em strut their stuff. I have a really cool scene idea with Chang Wufei.