Moment of Truth

 

 

 

Lines of worry creased his brow as he smoothed clammy palms over the coarse fabric of his slacks and reached to open the door.  His mouth felt dry as he pulled the delicate gold band from his pocket.  Upon his entrance, he saw her spring from her chair, eyes wide, and heard her utter his name in a strangled cry of recognition.

 

"Relena…"

 

He reached and took her hand, clasping it a moment before lifting it to his lips.  Still holding it gently, he bent down on one knee. She breathed an astonished gasp as he looked into those familiar blue eyes that always regarded him so tenderly.  And knowing he had nothing left in the world to lose, he willed himself to ask the question all logic told him not to dare.

 

"Will you marry me?"

 

She blinked once, twice, and a third time; he couldn’t read the expression on her face.  He didn’t miss the slight tremble in her lips or the tears that formed in her eyes. He held his breath a moment, still tightly clutching her hand, holding it near his chest, near his heart.

 

"No."

 

He felt his heart drop into his stomach at her answer.  "Relena….” He called out again, feeling her wrench her hand from his grasp.

 

"I said no, Heero."

 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  He wasn't going to go down without a fight.  "Why not?"

 

Her eyes widened for a moment before narrowing to angry slits.  "You know damn well why not!  You know I'm already engaged, what do you think you're doing?  Did you think I'd just drop everything and forget my whole life, my relationship because you come waltzing back in here…" She looked up and met his gaze with flashing light blue eyes, "into my life…" Her voice faltered and her expression softened, the deep creases of her brow relaxing, "with a…ring."  She looked down at the ring she still held and he could see more tears spring to her eyes as her hands began to shake.  "…a beautiful ring and …"  She swallowed and couldn't continue.  She turned back towards her desk to grab a tissue.

 

Heero watched her break down in painful silence.  He had at least gotten through the first line of her defenses if she was crying.

Hope swelled in his chest and he ventured the words that had been sorely missing from their relationship.  "I love you, Relena. I'm not just offering you a ring, and you know that.  You know how difficult this is for me, you know how difficult it's always been."

 

With her head bowed and her back still turned towards him, she recovered enough of her composure to speak again, "You said you couldn't live in my world, Heero.  You left because you didn't want this life.  What did you think, that I would wait forever for a man who told me not to?"

 

"No.  I just didn't realize…"

 

"Didn't realize what, Heero?"  Her voice was still quiet as she turned slowly around to face him, dragging her eyes with effort up to meet his gaze.

 

He took another deep breath and whispered in a shaky voice, "I didn't realize how miserable I was without you."  He could see pain spark in her eyes with that statement an instant before she lowered them to stare at the floor.

 

"You were miserable with me, remember?"  Her voice wasn't sad, it was empty, devoid of the emotion that so defined her in his eyes.

 

"No, I wasn't.  I just…."

 

This was so hard; finding the words, putting emotions into words had always been difficult for him.  But it had never been more important than at this moment.

 

"Everything, every situation in life is different.  It has good points and bad.  Being unhappy is when the bad outweighs the good, but sometimes…." He swallowed against the unfamiliar lump that had started to form in his throat.  "Sometimes you have to try a different situation before you see all the good points in what you had before."

 

"You left because you said you couldn't handle the spotlight, the parties, the politics."

 

He could hear the harsh timbre of accusation in her tone and his pulse quickened with his anger. He suddenly felt hot all over.  "No, I left because I hated having to share you, Relena," he said with narrowed eyes and a dark scowl etched upon his features as he remembered what had been almost like another lifetime.  "All day long it was your job, and politicking, and reporters and parties.  I got tired of being your escort and your bodyguard.  You took it for granted I'd always be there…"

 

"I took YOU for granted!"

 

He could see the way her lips were pressed into a thin line and her hands had formed angry fists at her side.  Yelling at one another was not the best way to resolve anything, and so he sought to calm himself.  He took several deep breaths to slow his heartbeat back to its regular pace.  "Yes, you did."

 

He wasn't sure if it was a blessing or a curse when she turned her back to him again.  On the one hand, it was easier to speak when she wasn't staring at him with all the hurt and pain two years of separation had caused, but on the other, it spoke too closely to the truth of their situation now.  He could see the way her shoulders were shaking and knew she was crying again.  But there were still things left unresolved between them, things he had to say.

 

"I needed to find my place in this world, Relena, I thought it was with you.  But you were always too busy taking care of the rest of the world's problems to help me through mine.  It didn't matter how it made me feel to see those people glare at me, and to hear the snide remarks they made about my being by your side.  My presence soiled you in their eyes, and I hated that."  He took a deep breath before continuing and felt the sharp pang of emptiness in his heart.  "I hated myself."

 

Her resentful laugh echoed eerily in the room.

 

"So you left."

 

The bitterness of that statement washed over him in a cold, heavy wave.  He could feel tears in his eyes as he spoke to her quietly, in a voice that might have belonged to the kind boy he had once been. "I needed to become a better man, Relena."

 

She reached a hand towards her desk for support, as if afraid her knees would buckle.  He took a step forward prepared to catch her if she fell, but instead she turned around to face him once again.  More tears coursed down her cheeks as he lowered his gaze to the ground; he couldn’t bear to see the pain he was causing her.  Unconsciously, his hands clenched at his sides.

 

"Heero, I…" Her voice cracked and failed her, bathing the room in strained silence.

 

Summoning the last of his strength and courage, he tore his gaze from the ground and agonizingly forced himself to meet her eyes.  He could see the same pain and hurt he was faced with every morning in the mirror reflecting in those light blue orbs.  He took another step towards her and was encouraged that she didn't flinch away and so he reached out a hand to wipe away her tears as he had once before, so long ago.

 

She closed her eyes at his gentle touch and seemed to revel in it for a moment.  His heart contracted painfully in his chest; it had been so long….  He felt her warm breath caress his cheek for a brief instant before he pulled away and spoke to her again.

 

He straightened his posture, the tension of his shoulders and the tight lines in his face revealing all the feelings he usually sought to hide. "Tell me that you love this guy and I'll leave you alone with only my best wishes for your happiness." He began, straining to keep his voice steady and without the telltale emotion that seemed to creep in all too often these days.  The rapid beating of his heart pounded in his ears, threatening to drown out the sound of his own voice as he formed the words that would hold his life and death in the answer.  "But if you still care anything at all for me, Relena, I'd like another chance."

 

There was no question in her eyes when she looked at him.  He was sure he knew the answer she was about to give, and felt the world drop from underneath his feet.  He steeled himself for the words she was about to say and hoped that he would be able to at least leave with his dignity, and not break down like he felt he already was inside.  In all the battles he had fought, a few simple words from this woman would be the ones to destroy him.

 

"I…I love him, Heero."

 

He nodded quietly and ignored the searing pain in his chest.  Gunshot wounds and broken bones were nothing in comparison to the stabbing pain of a broken heart, he decided as he turned on his heel and with shaky legs began to move towards the door.  He wanted to say something, but he didn't trust himself to speak; he didn't know what to say, anyway.

 

He reached a numb hand towards the doorknob, and felt the comforting smoothness of the cool metal against the rough flesh of his palm as he turned the object to let himself out of her office, and out of her life forever.

 

And then the silence and his pain were broken with the salve of truth and sacrifice.

 

"But not as much as I love you."