I do not own Gundam Wing.  This fan fiction has no commercial value and I am not making any kind of profit or income off of this.

AN: Okay this is going to be a long one…. For those of you that haven’t seen the Princess Bride, continue reading. For those of you that HAVE seen the Princess Bride, click here to go to the beginning of Chapter 12.

Synopsis of the Princess Bride (BTW – I don’t own that either):

It starts off with Fred Savage, a young boy, sick in his bed. His grandfather (Peter Falk) comes over to read him a book called The Princess Bride, which was supposedly the book that was read from father to son whenever someone was ill. But the dear grandson didn’t care much for grandpa, nor sappy romance…(we hear the obligatory “yech” sounds at any kissing scenes), so he’s a little less than thrilled at the prospect.

In the book, Buttercup (Robin Wright (now Penn)) was the daughter of a nobleman. Wesley (Cary Elwes) was the poor farm boy that served the somewhat snobby young woman who only referred to him as “Farm Boy”. As in, “Farm boy, fetch me that pitcher.” To which, Wesley would reply, “As you wish.” And the story goes that one-day, Buttercup realized that when Wesley said, “As you wish (and he always had THAT look in his eye when he said it),” he was really saying “I love you.” And then came the day when Buttercup finally realized she loved him, too. But he was poor, so he went off in search of his fortune so he could come back and marry her, but his ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, and he was presumed dead. Then the story skips ahead 5 years, and the evil (or vile, whichever) Prince Humperdink (yes, that’s his name) has chosen Buttercup to be his wife. His thought was that since she was a commoner, she would be beloved by the people of Floren (their country), so when she ended up dead, (by his own doing, of course), and he claimed that Gilder was to blame, they would insist on going to war with the evildoers. What he didn’t count on was Wesley, aka the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Buttercup was abducted by agents of Humperdink’s and dragged to Gilder territory where they were supposed to kill her and have the Prince find her body on the foreign soil. The 3 men that kidnapped her, however, were no ordinary men. I don’t know all the actors’ names, but there was a Giant named Fesik (Andre the Giant), a Spaniard who could fence better than Dorothy (Mandy Patakin), and then there was the ‘brains’ of the operation, Vicini, who lost his life in a battle of wits to the man in black (Dread Pirate Roberts/Wesley)…but not before declaring his trademark adjective, “Inconceivable” so many times it has become its own catchphrase. The man in black caught up with the trio of bad guys, besting the Spaniard, Inigo Montoya, in a fantastic fencing match, putting a sleeper hold on big bad Andre the Giant (yeah, picture scrawny Cary Elwes wrestling Andre the Giant…..O_O), and then beating Mr. Inconceivable at a round of “which glass is the poison in.” He then had possession of the future princess, who told him to die because she hated the Dread Pirate Roberts who killed her only love. “It’s possible, I kill a lot of people,” he replied. But when he told her, “As you wish,” she knew exactly who he was, and so they ran from the Prince who had come to “save” her (audience snorts) into the dreaded fire swamp. They survived, only to come face to face with the “pig fiancé”, and Buttercup gave herself up after making her future husband promise not to hurt Wesley. Yeah, right, they took him straight to the torture chamber conveniently located in the basement of the castle (audience groans at stupidity of Buttercup). Unaware, the beauty laments her lost love, and finally goes to Humperdink and says that she cannot marry him – she loves Wesley. And so he promises to send his 4 fastest ships out in search of the Dread Pirate Roberts’ galleon. He says if Wesley wants her, then he blesses the both of them, but if not, she is to marry him as planned. Well, guess who didn’t send the ships? Why? Because, as already stated, Wesley wasn’t ON his ship…he was in the very castle being tortured to death. But, as the story goes, “Death cannot stop true love – it can only delay it a little.” And so the Giant and the Spaniard find his dead body and have him resurrected for a little matter of Inigo’s revenge against the man who killed his father – who just happens to work for Humperdink. Billy Crystal does a hilarious turn as “Miracle Max”, the miracle worker that “the king’s stinking son fired, thank you very much for bringing up such a sore subject.” They resurrect him from the dead, lead the assault against 30 men guarding the castle gates the night of the wedding, kill the man that killed Inigo’s father, save Buttercup from the evil prince still plotting to kill her, and make their getaway. And everyone lived happily ever after…. *happy sigh*

The very end of the movie goes back to the grandson and grandpa. Dear Fred no longer hates the kissing quite so much and even tells his grandpa that he could come back and read it again tomorrow. And the patented reply…..? “As you wish.” (I know, I know – that’s INCONCEIVABLE!)

If you haven’t seen the movie, I highly recommend it. I love it so much I have it on VHS and DVD. It’s a great flick and one you never grow tired of. I hope this was enough of a summary to get you through this chapter and not miss any of the jokes (lame though they may be). I appreciate your time, and now….on to Chapter 12. J

Chapter 12

Mission one of 'To Catch a Soldier' is complete, Duo said to himself with a smile. He looked over at Heero who was staring blankly at the road while the self-proclaimed “God of Death” drove them over to Quatre’s for some ‘lessons in love’. He had called ahead on his wristcom to alert the blond Arabian that they were on their way, and asked him to call in Sally and Noin for backup…and pizza.

When they arrived, Quatre welcomed them in, while Dorothy stood nearby, arms crossed in a posture of superiority that Heero would come crawling back for help after his most ungracious exit a few days before. Duo decided to start the entertainment.

“Well, since Noin and Sally aren’t here, yet – we can start where we left off last time, Heero buddy, with practicing your delivery when asking Relena out,” Duo declared jovially. Dorothy smirked while Heero raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“Okay, here, I’ll start.” Duo said with a mischievous grin. “Here,” he said and tried to maneuver Heero to step back a few feet and stand next to the wall. He wouldn’t budge. “Heero, please – humor me and just put your back against the wall for a sec, okay?”

Heero wordlessly complied having no clue what horrible fate was to befall him. Duo reached out with his left hand, placing the palm of it against the wall just above Heero’s right shoulder. An exaggerated expression of suave sophistication played on his features as he looked at Heero through heavy-lidded eyes and purred. “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven, angel?”

Dorothy snickered, while Quatre groaned. “Duo…” he started, but didn’t have a chance to finish his admonition before Heero’s fist smashed into Maxwell’s face. Duo staggered back from the blow, his hands flying up to the already swelling eye.

“What the hell was that for?” He cried out.

“There’s no way I’m saying that to Relena,” Heero said flatly.

“Well, you don’t seem to have any better suggestions, Romeo,” Duo spat angrily.

Heero glared at his friend, ready to attack. “I’ll kill you,” he snarled, furious over the events of the day, and the latest insult his supposed friend had just hurled at him.

Duo straightened up and looked Heero straight in the eye. “I hate to say it, but you’ve used that one already. And to be honest with ya, it’s a wonder Relena didn’t run away screaming. It’s not a line that would work on just any girl, you know.” A hint of a smile played on Duo’s swollen face.

Heero continued to glare at his friend, but his anger was slowly seeping away. “Ha ha,” he pronounced dryly, his body relaxing somewhat as Quatre and Dorothy giggled in the background at Duo’s joke. “It’s still better than your cheesy pickup line. I’m asking her out on a date, not trying to get her to go home with me from a bar.”

“Awww, that’s too bad. Cheesy pickup lines are my specialty. Wanna hear another one?” Duo asked with a grin.

“No.”

“Hey, do you work for the post office, ‘cuz I could swear I just caught you checkin’ out my package,” Duo said in the same ‘seductive’ voice that he had used earlier.

“Duo! That’s awful!” Dorothy exclaimed, unable to hold back her laughter as Quatre turned beat red at the dreadful line.

“That’s enough Duo.” Heero said with a grim look.

“No, I’ve got a million of them!” Duo exclaimed cheerfully.

“Unless you want a second black eye, I suggest you shut up now. Where are Noin and Sally?”

“You’re no fun,” Duo pouted and crossed his arms.

“They should be here any minute with the pizza and movies,” Quatre said in answer to Heero’s question.

“Movies?” Heero and Dorothy asked at the same time.

Quatre looked uneasy. “Yeah, it was something Lucrezia suggested. It’s not a bad idea, really…”

Interest lit up Duo’s face. “What kind of movies?”

Quatre shook his head. “I think it would be better if Lucrezia and Sally explained it.”

“OOOOOH, I think I know! They’re bringing porn movies! That’s cool! Give Heero an education of what to do on their wedding night! Great idea – too bad I didn’t think of it myself,” Duo said excitedly.

Heero paled at the mention of ‘wedding night’. His mission had only been planned through the ‘I do’s’; he hadn’t prepared for anything after that…. What will it be like? He wondered. Will she want to? Will I be expected to? Will I want to? Is it right? Would I be taking advantage of her? His thoughts swirled around in his head as his body tensed again with uncertainty.

The front door opened, and his train of thought was interrupted by the sound of female voices calling out from the foyer. “We’re here! Break out the VCR and a box of tissues while you’re at it – you’re going to need it.”

“Aw sweet! You did bring porn!” Duo joked as Noin and Sally entered the living room; Sally had three pizza boxes in her hand and Noin carried a large sack with the local video store’s logo on the side.

“Porn?” Noin made a face. “We didn’t bring porn, we brought classic romantic movies with leading men – Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, Mel Gibson, Tom Hanks, Patrick Swayze -that can help Heero with his dilemma.”

Duo eagerly rushed forward and grabbed the bag of videos. He dumped them onto the floor and plopped down next to the pile while Heero glared at them from his corner of the room.

“Ghost?” Duo looked up at the two Preventer women with a horrified expression. “Ugh, Hilde likes this one, too. It’s horrible! What is with women and this movie?”

“Hey! Duo Maxwell don’t try to play tough with us, Hilde told us you cried like a baby at the end.”

“Yeah, I was ecstatic it was over, the movie was so lame. No way soldier-boy over there is going to learn anything from a freakin dead man.” He tossed it aside and picked up the next one. “Dirty Dancing? Ugh! I hate that guy. He’s the same one from Ghost. Nope, not going to watch that one either.” He said and tossed it over his shoulder with the previously discarded title.

Sally and Noin frowned at the former Deathscythe pilot.

“Ah-ha! Now here’s a good one! Why didn’t you mention this one before?” Duo asked with a grin and held up The Princess Bride. “Pay attention to this one, Heero, buddy.” He said and popped the tape in the VCR. “And where’s the pizza, I’m starved?”

Quatre shook his head and Dorothy rubbed her temples to try and alleviate the pain. She looked at her husband and suddenly grinned. “Inconceivable!” She exclaimed with a wry smile. He smiled and bowed. “As you wish,” he said and held out his arm. She took it and allowed him to lead her to the couch where they settled in to watch the romantic comedy.

“I can’t believe they picked The Princess Bride,” Sally said with an exasperated look. “They didn’t even consider An Affair to Remember or some of the other really great titles in there.”

Noin smiled and placed the pizza box on the kitchen table. “Well, it is somewhat appropriate, although I don’t know if he’ll learn anything from it.” She said and pulled pieces of pizza and placed them on plates to serve to the others. “I guess it’s a good thing I picked it up, even if it was intended to soften up Zechs.”

Sally laughed. “Yeah, right. As if such a thing would be possible. I’ll just make sure and have plenty of sedatives on hand when it happens.”

Noin smiled at her friend. “That may be best.”

Sally’s smile faded and her expression turned thoughtful. “Excuse me for saying so, Noin, but am I the only one that thinks this whole situation is a little odd?”

Noin shook her head. “Which part?”

“The whole thing. Heero’s never seemed interested in her in a romantic way. They were always friends, but how come he’s suddenly ready to marry Relena?”

“I’m not sure Sally, but you know how he is. Once his mind is set on something, it’s everything for the mission.”

“Yeah, but does he really love her?”

Noin smiled. “Yes. He just doesn’t know it yet.”

Sally looked confused for a moment, and then realization crossed her face. “Ah…I see. Why must all the men we know be like that? Wufei was just as bad.”

Noin shook her head. “And you still didn’t have to wait as long as I did.”

Sally nodded. “True, true. But then why are we helping Heero instead of Relena?”

“Because none of us had been pushed as far as Relena has. She has every right to be stubborn at this point, but in the end, she’ll end up happier this way – I hope. Ultimately, we’re helping Relena by helping Heero. At least that’s the way I see it.”

“Good point. But we’d better get the pizza in there while it’s still hot. And I hate to miss all the ‘As you wish’ sappiness in the beginning!” Sally said with a grin.

“Do you think we can get Heero to say that instead of ‘Mission Accepted’ all the time? It might make for a nice change.” Noin suggested.

Sally rolled her eyes. “Not a chance.”

* * * * * *

“As you wish,” Peter Falk said on the tv screen just before the credits began.

Quatre got up and turned on the lights, while Duo hit the stop button and began to rewind it.

“So, what did you think, Heero?” Duo asked his friend.

“Of what?”

“The movie!”

“The sword fighting was excellent,” Heero replied flatly.

“Yeah, it was,” Dorothy agreed and winked at Quatre across the room. He blushed.

“Um, hello? Ring ring, it’s the clue phone. I meant, what did you think about the romance in the movie – you were supposed to be taking notes!” Duo exclaimed in exasperation.

“I didn’t get it.”

Everyone turned to look at him incredulously.

“What do you mean you didn’t get it? Didn’t get what?” Duo yelled.

“I didn’t see why she loved the poor farm boy. All he did was fetch pitchers and say ‘As you wish’. Why would she want to be with him instead of the prince, who was a better match for her and her family?”

“WHAT?” Duo’s jaw dropped.

“Well, had Wesley saved her from the enemy in the beginning, then it would have made more sense. But we have no insight on why she loved the farm boy, and had Humperdink not been plotting to kill her, she would have been better off with him than Wesley.”

Five couch pillows were thrown at the former Zero pilot. He glared at his friends.

“Heero there isn’t always a reason why a woman loves. And just because the Prince was a better social match doesn’t mean she should love him – much less will love him. He wasn’t a very nice person, and Wesley was honorable and caring. Despite his poverty at the beginning, he was more deserving of Buttercup’s love than Humperdink,” Sally explained patiently.

“But as the Dread Pirate Roberts, he would have killed hundreds of innocent men. How is that honorable or caring? And Buttercup - she is nothing compared to Relena. Relena wouldn’t have been foolish enough to agree to marry someone she didn’t love, nor would she have fallen for the Prince’s obvious lie about sending his ships after Wesley,” Heero said flatly.

“And she would have talked Humperdink into putting down his weapons before a war could start with Gilder,” Dorothy grinned.

Noin and Sally chuckled. Duo smiled mischievously. “And Buttercup isn’t nearly as pretty as Relena, is she, Heero?”

“No. But I fail to see how this is going to help with the mission. So far, Relena’s danced with me, but kissed another guy. I need her to accept my proposal, and I don’t see where watching this movie helped. Wesley never took Buttercup on a date or asked her to marry him.”

“He didn’t ask her to marry him, but they went on dates!” Duo exclaimed – eager to continue tormenting his friend.

“When?”

“Well, we just didn’t see it at the beginning,” he said with a slight frown. Then an idea struck him. “Oh, but there was the time when he saved her from the fire swamp! That should count as a date,” Duo joked.

“Great. That’s all I needed, then.” Heero said getting up from the couch.

“Huh? Where ya goin’?” Duo asked.

“Seems to me that Relena and I have been on enough dates – I’m going to propose again.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Well, there was Libra, then I rescued her from the remnants of White Fang that were trying to kidnap her and get their hands on our Gundams (Blind Target), and finally the Mariameia incident. Three dates right there. And you said we didn’t have a relationship,” Heero’s face was deadpan.

Everyone in the room was speechless. Heero quickly exited and made his way to the front door.

“Hey! You weren’t even conscious when you were together at the end of the Mariameia incident! That doesn’t count!” Duo called out and ran after his friend. “And you never told us anything happened between you two on Libra!”

Quatre and the others looked at one another in defeat. “I think we failed.” Noin remarked dryly.

Dorothy smiled, “Maybe so, but he did just give me an idea.”

All eyes turned their attention to the clever blonde.