JERRY SPRINGER: GUNDAM WING SPECIAL
Pt. 1
By Clint Worthington

Once the camera clicked on, Jerry Springer, the host, lifted his microphone
and announced, “Hello and welcome. Today’s topic is: I’ve been sleeping with
my Gundam!” He gestured to the guests, sitting down in the chairs in the
studio. “Today we have Heero Yuy and Relena Peacecraft. Now, they’ve had a
stable relationship, until one day Relena walked in on Heero and his Gundam,
Wing! Now, Relena, how do you feel about this?”

Relena said angrily, “I’m pissed, that’s how I feel! How could you sleep
with IT of all...Mobile Suits?”

Heero said, “Well, Wing and I have been through a lot together, and it’s
what it wanted...”

“I can’t believe you’ll take orders from that @#$!%!”

“Now, Relena...”

“@#$% what?! You were the one who cheated on me!”

Jerry raised his palm to silence them. “Now, Heero, where is Wing now?”

Heero sagged in disappointment. “She left me two days ago. I don’t know
where she is.”

“Well, Heero, we’ve got a surprise for you. Let’s bring out
Heero’s...friend...WING GUNDAM!”

As Wing walked out, crashing through the doorway (and the roof) and crushing
the floor as it walked, the crowd booed and booed. Three burly security crew
dragged out a gigantic padded chair for it. They set it down, and Wing sat
down. However, the chair crumbled under the weight, and Wing just sat on the
floor.

“What are you doing here, you slut?!”

Wing shrugged and raised a fist.

“Don’t deny it!”

“Relena...”

Relena turned to Heero. “And YOU! I could see there was something in your
spandex besides your Gun when I caught you with it!”

Relena stood and ran over to it. Duo tried to stop her.

“Relena...”

“Shut up, @#$!%!!”

Relena brought Heero to the ground with a punch, and started on Wing. Of
course, her foot met metal, and a furious clanging roused the crowd. The
audience was standing and cheering. The infamous chant began. “Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry!”

Jerry stood there, gesturing for them to sit down. But Heero joined the
fight also.

“OMAE O KOROSU!!!”

The “Jerry, Jerry” chant became interjected by several BLEEPs.

A few seconds later, security crew began trying to break them up. Then the
“Jerry, Jerry”s were completely drowned out by a continuous
“BLEEEEEEEEPPPP!!!”

Soon, chairs began flying, Wing drew it’s Beam Scythe, and havoc ensued.
Cheering, jeering, punching, BLEEPing, and yelling—Jerry turned to the
camera, ducking several flying objects, and said, “Next week on JERRY
SPRINGER—“My Gundam pilot boyfriend’s had a sex change!”

THE END...FOR NOW (evil laugh, dramatic music cue)

JERRY SPRINGER: GUNDAM WING SPECIAL

Pt.2

By Clint Worthington

Jerry Springer’s face popped into view on the screen. “Hello, welcome back
to our week-long series regarding Mobile Suit pilots! Now, if you’re just
tuning in, our topic today is, ‘My Gundam pilot’s boyfriend’s had a sex
change!’

He turned away, revealing a very depressed (yet very pissed at the same
time) woman in her 20’s. “This is Sally Poe. She’d just been going out with
her boyfriend for 2 weeks, before he did something that shocked her to
death-What was that, Sally?”

Sally spat, “That Chinese @#$%!&^% turned himself into a girl! I never want
to see him...her...whatever the hell it is-AGAIN!”

Jerry shrugged and said to her, “Well, it appears you made that vow too
soon, because here comes our object of discussion—CHANG WUFEI!”

Wufei stepped out, the audience booing at her long hair and plastic rack.
She waggled her short-skirted hips as she walked toward a chair, her
ruby-red high heels clicking on the studio floor. Several audience members
screamed obscenities at her as she flipped off the camera, a fuzzy blob
censoring it.

She appeared to be smacking gum between her lipsticked lips as Jerry talked
to her. “Welcome, Wufei.” He noticed some hands going up in the audience.
“Ah, I see we have some questions.” She walked up to a very large black
woman and gave her the microphone. “Yo, Sally-if you wanted him so bad, why
didn’t you keep a better eye on him?”

Sally stood. “I couldn’t! He’s too slick! I can’t keep track of him!”

“Then you should just move on to another man, you SL#T!”

Another audience member, a twenty-something man, stood. “Hey, Woo-Ferry. Why
didn’t you hold onto the chick?!”

Both stood, Wufei yelling, “What did you call me?!” , Sally exclaiming,
“Chick?! I should kick your @#$!”

Wufei yelled, “I never wanted her! She was a weakling woman!” He stopped
himself, “Oh no---I’M a weakling woman! INJUSTICE! What have I done?!”

Sally, “You’ve turned yourself into a woman, you @#$!%!! Didn’t you have an
idea in HELL what the #$@%  you were doing?!”

“Jerry! Jerry! JERRY!” The audience chanted.

“You weren’t there when I needed you!”

“I know what you need--#$@%ING  THERAPY!”

“SHUT UP WOMAN!”

“KISS MY @#$--WOMAN!”
Suddenly, the whole room exploded with violence. Even the audience members
chipped in, jumping over the rails to join the catfight between Wufei and
Sally.

The people trampled Jerry, who after a few minutes, shakily stood in front
of the camera, the screen showing his broken glasses, tousled hair, bleeding
nose, and the bruised hand that held the ripped microphone (oh yeah, and the
vicious battle in the background), who said in a shaky, cracking voice,
“Join us tomorrow for the next part—I hope...” Then suddenly a splinter
group from the crowd pulled Jerry back in. “Oh no...AAHHH!”

PART 2 END

GUNDAM WING: JERRY SPRINGER SPECIAL

Pt. 3

By Clint Worthington

Jerry Springer appeared on the camera, a sling on his arm, and several
bandages on his forehead. “Hello, everybody, thank God. Welcome to the 3rd
show in our 5-part special on Gundam pilots and their ‘problems’. Here today
our topic is ‘My protectors won’t leave me alone!’ here we have Quatre
Raberba Winner and his girlfriend, Dorothy Catalonia. And over here we have
the leader of Quatre’s bodyguards, the Maqanac Corps, Rashid.” The three sat
at their seats, Quatre sipping his tea. “Now, Quatre, Dorothy, how do you
feel about this?”

Quatre put down his teacup. “I just feel that they’re leaving me too little
privacy.”

Rashid immediately turned to Quatre. “But Master Quatre, we’re trying to
protect you.”

Dororthy stepped in. “You call this protecting? One week ago, Quatre and I
TRIED to go on a date. You followed us everywhere. When we ordered food, you
‘ran to the rescue’, eating everything because YOU thought it was
poisonous!”

“But Miss Dorothy!”

“’But’ me one more time, Sideburns, and I’ll stick my sword where YOUR ‘but’
is!”

“Dorothy...” Quatre said, trying to calm her down.

Before things heated up, Jerry turned to the audience. “Uh, um, it seems we
have a question! Yes, sir?” He walked up the steps and handed the microphone
to a tall built man in the back. “Hey, Four, why don’t you just ditch the
bodyguard and take the girl? OR ditch the girl if it’s too much for you!”

Quatre flared up and pointed a finger at the man. “Hey, leave Dorothy out of
this!”

“She’s neck-deep in it, small fry. Besides, what’cha gonna do, hide behind
your buddy’s leg, CRYING?!”

“Why don’t you come down here, I’ll show you what I’ll do!”

The audience member ran down the steps and rammed into Quatre, sending him
to the floor. He was pushed off by the strong Quatre. He got up and yelled,
“IS THAT ALL YOU GOT! COME ON, SKANKY @#$!@!  YOU @@##$!  @##$@%#!  YOU! YOU
WERE BORN IN YOUR MOTHER’S @##, #$%@#!” Quatre jumped on the floored
audience member, landing a flurry of punches.

The room became a madhouse, audience members coming down to join the fight,
trampling the helpless Jerry.

Dorothy said to Rashid, “This is for invading my Quatre’s privacy!” She
bitch-slapped him, sending him backwards. “This is for bringing his problems
to the attention of national television!” She bitch-slapped him on the other
side of his face, making him stumble. “AND THIS IS FOR EATING THE FOOD!” She
delivered a  fierce pucnh that decked the soldier to the ground. She turned
to the crowd. “WHO WANTS SOME?! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!” She began taking out
audience members, joining the dog pile forming over Quatre.

As the smack continued to be laid down, Jerry crawled up to the camera, and
grabbed onto it with both hands for support. “If I’m alive after this show,
we’ll continue the special. See you next week. Dear God, help me!”

PART 3 END

JERRY SPRINGER: GUNDAM WING SPECIAL

Pt. 4

By Clint Worthington

Jerry Springer hobbled onto the set as the camera turned on. Along with the
cast from before, he now had a leg cast, and used a crutch. His voice is now
very shaky. “Hello...and welcome to the Jerry Springer show. Today’s topic
is ‘My brother is an egomaniac!’ Today we have Catherine Bloom, a caring,
supportive sister to her usually silent brother, until one day he underwent
a horrific change. Tell us about it, Catherine.”

“Well, my brother used to be so silent, modest, never said a word, kept to
himself. But now, ever since that show...Anyway, now he won’t stop.”

“Now, what show, Catherine?”

“Making the Band. What else?” Catherine replied.

“Well, it’s a good thing we have him here to see how far he’s going.”

“What?!”

“Let’s bring out TROWA BARTON!”

Trowa, his super-bangs gelled stiff, strutted out, as the audience booed. He
had changed from his signature navy turtleneck and tight white jeans to
baggy cargo pants and an unzipped workout jacket.

Immediately, Catherine blurted, “What the HELL is that?!”

“They’re the style, sis!” He said as he arrogantly ‘raised the roof’.

“Sit down, Trowa,” Jerry said, to the relief of the audience. “Now, Trowa,
what caused you to change from a boy so sweet and modest to...this?”

“Making the Band. What else?” Trowa replied.

Jerry raised his hands in frustration. “What’s so special about this show?”

“Well, I got to watchin’, y’know, and I thought to myself, ‘I can do better
than that’, and now, I am. MUSIC!” He shouted.

Suddenly, the beginning music to “Make My Way”[1] began playing, and, as in
the actual song, Trowa struggled to sing it, and did it turn out badly!

The audience screamed and held their hands over their ears. Jerry began
waving his arm (remember, the other one is in a cast) to stop him. Trowa,
however, misinterpreted it as a strange version of “raising the roof”.

Catherine yelled, “Stop, Trowa! Stop!”

During a guitar solo in the song, Trowa turned back and snapped, “I’m sick
and tired of your whining and crying, sis!” He returned to the horrible
singing.

One brave audience member shouted, “Get off the stage, idiot!”

Trowa stopped singing and yelled, “You wanna make me?!”

“Come here!” The audience member yelled, and he jumped from his seat and ran
down the steps, spearing into Trowa.

“AAAAAHHHH!!” Jerry shrieked, as the audience once again jumped out and the
melee began.

The trampled Jerry fought for life as he braced himself on the camera.
Behind him, Trowa was fighting back a horde of audience members as the
now-voiceless music of “Make My Way” continued. Jerry’s broken nose and
battered face filled the camera as he whimpered, “God, I wish I could go
home, but the producers force me to go on for...(gulp)...one more week. Tune
in for the final part. Uhhhhh...” He groaned as he slid to the floor.

PART 4 END

[1]Make My Way is, for those of you who don’t know, one of Trowa’s image
songs. And I gotta admit, Trowa’s singing was not that great in that one.

JERRY SPRINGER: GUNDAM WING SPECIAL

Part 5

by Clint Worthington

The camera clicked on, and the rebuilt set appeared. There was a two-week
delay for the next new show after the last show's damages. Jerry was wheeled
into view by a stagehand with a wheelchair, in a full body cast. The arm was
fixed so the microphone was positioned near his mouth, where a thin slit was
cut in the cast. Still, his voice was muffled. "Hello, everyone, and welcome
to the last show in our Gundam pilot series, thank God. If anyone is
wondering, I'm fine, and the colon transplant went well, thank you. The
final topic is 'My boyfriend is an Internet pimp!'. Here we have our guest,
Hilde Schbeiker. Now, what do you have to say, Hilde?"

"I'm simply ashamed of my boyfriend. I just can't believe there hasn't been
enough love in our lives that he has to have cybersex with strange people
over the Internet! I just never want to see him again!"

"Well, Hilde," he gave an exasperated sigh, "--it looks like you spoke too
soon. Here comes Duo Maxwell!"

As Duo, in his ubiquitous black jumpsuit with priest collar, walked out into
the BOOs of the audience, the caption on the bottom of the screen sprang up.
It read,

      DUO MAXWELL
            Has cybersex over the Internet; Is big doofus

Duo sat down in the chair, and yelled, "I am NOT a doofus!"

The audience (knowing about the caption from the monitors) scratched their
heads in curiosity, as they pondered how he could have possibly known what
the caption said. As if reading their minds, Duo yelled, "It was a lucky
guess, okay?"

Jerry had the stagehand silence him by raising his hand to him. Jerry said
to Duo, "Now, Duo, how do you feel about this whole event?"

"Well, overall, I got an overwhelming sense of pleasure..."

"DUO!" Hilde shrieked.

"But don't get me wrong, honey, yours was great..."

Hilde groaned, embarassed.

One brave audience member, "Shut up, you pervert!"

Duo stood still. He slowly looked up to the audience and said, "What?!"

The woman, who was fairly pudgy and street-wise, stood up and said, "You
heard me! And what's the deal with the braid, man? You look like a woman!"

He stood and pointed a finger a the woman. "Don't EVER call Shinigami-Sexy a
girl!"

The woman replied incredulously, "What?"

"That was my handle, lady!"

"Oh my God, no," the woman gasped. "You! I actually got it on with YOU in
cyberspace!"

Duo gasped also. Both Duo and the woman screamed in unison, "I THINK I'M
GONNA BE SICK!"

Jerry gave a relieved sigh and said to the camera, "Finally, a show without
one fight. Well, that's the end of our show, folks. See you next--God NO!"

The woman and Duo began duking it out, several enraged audience members (and
Hilde) assisting. A small crowd ran over Jerry in his wheelchair, crushing
him to join the fight.

As the camera faded out, the words

            In Loving Memory of
            JERRY SPRINGER

appeared.

End of Part 5 (and the series)