By Myself
By
Dark Deity
Disclaimer-
Gundam Wing does not belong to me, nor does the song
Relena Darlian
Peacecraft was sitting in yet another peace meeting, fighting a silent battle,
while listening to a spoken one, and as usual, making sure peace is maintained.
At the moment the Vice-Foreign Minister was turned around in her chair, lost in
thought, finally deciding to leave this in particular subject to those who
actually believe it important. This has happened many times before; start a
subject, then forget about it after 15 minutes of arguing. Thinking about past
actions, second thoughts coming to mind, wondering if she had made the right
choices. Her mind wonders to her brother, hoping he is okay, as well as alive.
He was the last time we all thought he was dead.
Her mind takes a turn in the direction of Heero. Hoping once again for
health, but also for stability. Relena starts thinking about the last time they
met; Heero practically dead from exhaustion and wounds, falling into her arms,
promising himself that he would never have to kill again.
Some one was calling her name. Turning around and nodding, Relena
returned to reality, and the meeting she was supposedly attending.
~~~
What
do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do
I follow my instincts blindly?
Do
I hide my pride from these bad dreams,
And
give into sad thoughts that are maddening?
~~~
Back at her home,
Relena sits in her office and feels as if she’s on the brink of insanity.
Breathing in deeply and exhaling slowly she picks up another document, ‘that
was so conveniently put on my desk’ she thought bitterly. “Do they
really think,” she said out loud, going over the document, “That I wasn’t
going to notice that they just want the money. This ‘Act’ is just another
greedy cover up so that they can stuff more into their already over stuffed
pockets, not to mention it will probably lead to another battle between
countries.” She could have tore the damn thing in half. She was simply
furious. Ignoring the rest of the papers on her desk, she got up and went to her
balcony. Standing in the rain, she had just one thing on her mind,
“Heero…”
~~~
Do
I sit here and try to stand it?
Or
do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do
I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or
do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
~~~
Part
2
Heero is in a
battle, yet again. As a Preventer he was sent in one of the few mobile suits
left. Another rebel believing revenge for another is needed. Heero, now always
making sure to only DAMAGE the enemy, not destroy, was growing impatient. Every
bit of him wanted to fire, to cut his opposition in half, anything to
destroy him. He would, he really would, to no one’s surprise, but he
couldn’t. He had made a promise. He made a promise to himself and… her, that
he would never kill again. Pounding his fist to the side, grabbing the controls
and mixing a few quick movements, he completed his latest mission. Gathering up
the now immobile suits, he absentmindedly made his way back to his headquarters.
So lost in thought he didn’t even give himself time to stop the pain from
entering his fist or the thoughts of her from entering his mind. Or the
thought of visiting her… tonight.
~~~
Because
I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin
I
make the right moves but I’m lost within
~~~
He sighed as he
looked up at the stars, from earth’s point of view, then turned slightly to
look at the balcony above him. Without a second thought, or glance, he ran to
the side and took a good grip on the side of the house. Relena’s room was on
the third floor, and the part he was climbing was like a small thin path that
led up the side of the house, er… mansion, to her balcony. It was as if it was
only meant for him. With a few quick, soundless and swift movements he was on
her balcony. His eyes, somehow, softened at the sight before him. There she was,
definitely in all her glory. Instead of wearing one of her many political suits,
she was wearing a pair of loose, baggy shorts that reached her knees and a gray
sports bra. As of now she was headed for her computer. Once seated comfortably,
she started to tap away at the keyboard. Watching this, the only thought that
came to mind besides ‘Beautiful’ was ‘Probably work’. At that you could
see a small smirk cross the corner of his mouth, but then even though he knew
she would not see him he put on his cold mask once more., in case he should
‘accidentally’ show himself. After that thought he reminded himself why he
stood away from her view, at least for now.
He would surely get hurt by her if he were to be with her at the moment.
He had to wait, had to till he was sure he would have a future. One that would
consist of emotions. One that he was sure he would not get hurt, and he knew he
could rely on himself to not hurt her, or any one else.
~~~
I
put on my daily façade but then
I
just end up getting hurt again- by myself [myself]
I
ask why, but in my mind
I
find I can’t rely on myself [myself]
~~~
~~~*Chorus-
I ask why, but in my mind/I find I can’t rely on myself [myself]
I
can’t hold on/[to what I want when I’m stretched so thin]/ it’s all to
much to take in/I can’t hold on/[To anything watching everything spin]/With
thoughts of failure sinking in*~~~
Part
3
*Slam* *Tap*
*Crack* ‘Now we’re tied…AGAIN! Every time we tie that woman beats me. She
never falters… and that’s what makes me falter. I won’t loose again!’
Wufei pretends to turn right, then quickly turns left. He swings slightly and
notices his back is to Sally, ‘Fuck, I did it again!’ he lowers his sword
slowly; eyes closed waiting for the final blow. It doesn’t come. Eyes open,
wide with surprise, he turns. He sees Sally.
Noticing his
surprise she replies to his silent question, “It’s not very honorable to
kill a respected and skilled soldier, even more so when his back is turned.
That’s not very just, nor does it make sense. Especially when that soldier is
my partner.” With silent agreement, Wufei nods his head.
For once he truly
respected this women. He swallows his pride and bows to her, “You win” After
those words he turns to leave giving one last glance toward Sally. For this
Sally was shocked, he had just admitted defeat.
Just then Sally
remembers something, “Oh, and Wufei,” she stops and waits for him to turn.
He does, with a slight fearful look in his eyes, Sally just barely caught it,
“Since you have lost that battle, you now have to give me some of your time as
my reward.” She had the smallest smirk, but it did not go unnoticed by Wufei.
‘I may have lost
the battle, and my free time, but I will not loose this,’ “But at least my
time goes to you.” Sally’s jaw almost literally hit the ground. After
getting her reaction he silently records, ‘I win’ He then adds, “I don’t
want a trainer that has nothing to teach,” He turns and walks away leaving
Sally to shut her mouth with a bit of anger and much amusement evident her eyes.
‘I wonder if he notices that’s the second compliment today’
‘Damn, I almost
had her too’ Wufei walks a bit faster. He needs to train a little more, alone,
“By myself”
~~~
If
I turn my back I’m defenseless
But
to go blindly seems senseless
If
I hide my pride, and let it all go on
Then
they’ll take from me till everything is gone
~~~
Part
4
Quatre Raberba
Winner sits in his office, desk full of papers, top, in, under, everywhere. All
these were questions, requests for interviews, meetings, peace mergers, and even
some were for Miss Relena, questions about her social life ‘n such. Most of
the documents were useless, and he knew it too. Although they are, he also knows
that if he doesn’t return them to their giver with some kind of answer he
will, not might, but will gain enemies. Things he most definitely does not need.
Shifting through
the documents, he comes across one that’s different. It only had his first
name on it. ‘Who could this be from?! It’s not
my sister’s, ANY of my sister’s, writing… It looks like an
invitation’ After opening it his eyes brighten. He recognized the writing
immediately. He read the letter quickly, almost just skimming it. Relena had
invited Trowa, Catherine, Duo, and himself to stay with her for a few days to
‘Catch Up’. There was something about riving friendships and helping Trowa
too. ‘Well why not go? If I don’t I probably won’t see them again for a
long time after. Especially Trowa and Catherine, with all that traveling.’ He
rereads the parts about helping Trowa, ‘I hope there’s nothing terribly
wrong, and no matter what, I hope we can help…’ Quatre’s sea green eye had
concern showing through them, then they turned to determination. ‘I guess if
I’m going I better work on all this paper work and get it done’ After about
a half hour he makes a decision. He calls up Relena. He gets a bit excited at
the fact that she answered, and not some secretary. With a cheerful greeting and
a big smile he told her we would be there early. “How about in two days,
instead of three?”
“But won’t
that mean your leaving today?” Relena questioned. She was a bit confused with
her fellow workaholic leaving early.
“Yes, is it a
problem… I don’t want to be a disturbance-” He didn’t, not at all, but
he would do a few more documents have his secretary send them, then take the
rest with him. By the time he got to earth’s atmosphere he’d be done.
“NO!” Relena
blushed at the fact that not only had she raised her voice a bit, but she had
also cut Quatre off mid sentence. “It would be wonderful if you came early. We
could talk, and of course make fun of other delegates that don’t get peace,
and its meaning” As Relena finished her thought she smiled brightly as Quatre
all but snickered at the fact the Relena thought the same thing about all the
other delegates and politicians they came in contact.
“Okay, with that
in mind I might even be there by tomorrow, I’ll be leaving right away Miss
Relena”
“No, just
Relena. We are friends Quatre, not acquaintances, right?”
“Right you are
Relena, I’ll see you soon…” with a nod from Relena he cut the connection
and quickly gathered up all his things. He’d leave some documents here. His
secretary and Rashid could work out most of them, and any problems they could
ask one of his sisters. “Rashid? Could you please book a shuttle to earth
right away? I would like to get there as soon as possible.”
“Yes Master
Quatre, is there something wrong?”
Dropping out of
his usual formal tone of ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ he went to his more casual one.
“Nope, everything’s perfect” He received a nod and an odd look from Rashid.
That just made him smile more. He’s tired of being in his office looking at
papers all day, every day, “By myself” he finished his thought out loud.
~~~
If
I let them go I’ll be out done
But
if I try to catch them I’ll be out run
If
I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then
I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
By
Myself [myself]
~~~
~~~*Chorus-
I ask why, but in my mind/I find I can’t rely on myself [myself]
I
can’t hold on/[to what I want when I’m stretched so thin]/ it’s all to
much to take in/I can’t hold on/[To anything watching everything spin]/With
thoughts of failure sinking in*~~~
*{dream
sequence}*
“NOOO!!!!”
A young man bolts upright in bed, covered in sweat, and panting. Duo Maxwell
shakes his head, trying to get the images of his latest night mare to go away.
He looks around his room. Every thing was basic and plain. White walls; Black
wood desk; Black bed-sheets; White doors; and there was the silver cross. He
looked away immediately. More images, and sounds came to mind. He shook his head
once more, hitting himself in the back and sides with his swinging braid.
He
leaned back down on his bead staring at the ceiling. ‘Who would-a thought that
the happy-go-lucky guy would be in so much pain’ He turned on his side closing
his eyes with the image of the cross fully visible on the black screen of his
eyelids. His last coherent thought was ‘Go figure’ Once again he slept, but
not peacefully, far from it in fact.
{A
young boy lie next to another his age, holding his hand. The boy closed his
dulling violet eyes as he felt the tears rise again. He started to remember the
days events… “SOLO!! No, wake up... don’t... close… your... i, i,
eyes” He closed his eyes and lie next to his lifeless friend. “Why… did,
did.. you le, leave me as, as well” the boy managed to get out between sobs
and hiccups. He gave his friend one last hug and lie down next to him, taking
his hand, willing whatever happened to his friend to happen to him.
>>>the scene changes to a day where the sun is out and he’s lying on
grass looking up at the sun. “Hello Sister Helen. Where’s Father Maxwell?”
“He’s
in the church hun, I’m going to join him okay? Are you coming?” Sister
Helen’s eyes sparkled with calm contempt.
“Nah,
I’ll stay out here. It’s really pretty ya know?”
“Yes,
it is Duo.” Sister Helen walked away and back into the church. Duo resumed
looking at the sky, which at one point turned into a sunset. A few seconds later
a scream, and an explosion were heard. After that a burning smell of some sort
could be sensed. Sensed by Dou’s nose. He watched in horror as the only home
he felt comfortable in dissolved right in front of him. “Sister Helen!! Father
Maxwell!!” the young boy screamed while running to the fallen church, that was
formally his home. He stopped in front of the ashes and stared wide-eyed at what
was left of his life…”NNNOOOOOOOO…}
“NOOOO!!!!
Come back!” Duo woke up in the same exact state he woke in earlier. He got out
of bed and went to the kitchen. He grabbed an apple off the counter and started
to eat. He couldn’t take this anymore. Being alone, having no one to talk too.
He was forced to confine in himself, and be himself. He used to know what to do
with himself, but now without having anyone, not even Heero, or the other overly
stoic gundam pilots, he was out of practice. Maybe it was time to see someone.
Someone who grew up differently, but with the same results. Someone who had to
act cheery and all smiles all day. “Relena!” the first name that came to
mind came out. She fit the description. Maybe it was time to develop a close
friendship. She could probably use someone to talk to just as he did. He would
finally be able to act himself around someone, and confine in them as well. Sure
Quatre knew how it went as well, but he was just to kind, but Relena was forward
and truthful. Yes, he would see Relena…he was sick of not knowing anything but
what war had taught him.
~~~
How
do you think / I’ve lost so much
I’m
so afraid / I’m out of touch
How
do you expect / I will know what to do
When
all I know / Is what you tell me to
~~~
Brown bangs
obscured his eye, but he saw her clearly. His sister was doing a small after
show for the children. He saw how she dealt with them. The same way he dealt
with the animals. With care and understanding. He envies her somewhat for the
fact that she could be so compassionate to them. So sweet, loving and careful.
He wished he could go over to her and help her.
As
the mini show ended she saw and walked over to him. Giving another sweet smile
to him she decided to ask him, “Trowa, why don’t you ever come and talk with
the children? You seem so compassionate with the animals; why not try you luck
with the children?”
Trowa
looks away from Catherine’s gaze and down to the ground as he spoke. “I want
to Catherine, I really do, but I just can’t, and I don’t really know why.”
To the point, he always was.
“But
Trowa, why can’t you just show some kind of emotion. It’s not hard surely
you can do it. You’ve been showing signs of emotion a bit more often than
before. Mostly to the animals, but to me and others in the circus as well. So
why not after the show?” Catherine knew she wasn’t going to get far, but she
pleaded anyway.
It
was true. He was finally becoming more of something, no someone that resembled
normal, but it took, and takes time. The process was being very slow. “I’ve
tried, I have, but I can’t. This is how I was trained, and the training was
long and intense. This kind of training takes time to get over and forget. To
ware off.” He paused for a moment. H wanted to choose his words carefully. To
make sure she understood. “I have all these emotions but it’s like I’m
stuck. My facial movements are plastered the way they are. They are slowly
cracking, but they still aren’t moving much. I just don’t know why”
Through out the entire time, he had said it in a monotone. No emotion, except a
bit of one. A need for someone to understand.
Catherine
listened closely. ‘He IS trying, I can tell. I have an idea, my dear
brother.’ “I think I have a solution. How about a reunion… with friends.
The ones that you are sure could help with this.”
Trowa
thought about this. Yes, it would work. Catherine, Quatre, Duo, and probably
even Relena would help, ‘No, are the only ones that CAN help’ He nodded to
his sister and said the names, “Quatre, Duo and Relena.” With that he nodded
again to his sisters smile and turned to go to his trailer. ‘To be normal
again’
~~~
Don’t
you know
I
can’t tell you how to make it go
No
matter what I do, how hard I try
I
can’t seem to convince myself why
I’m
stuck on the outside
(repeated)
~~~
~~~*Chorus-
I ask why, but in my mind/I find I can’t rely on myself [myself]
I can’t hold on/[to what I want when I’m stretched so thin]/ it’s all to much to take in/I can’t hold on/[To anything watching everything spin]/With thoughts of failure sinking in*~~~(repeated 3